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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being love bombed by a new 'friend', how do I get out of this when we share the same hobby?

23 replies

Chocaholic9 · 01/07/2021 16:49

About 6 months I started a new hobby (a dance) and met a woman whose partner teaches this dance and she is his teaching assistant.

I learned the dance with someone else (not this couple)

This woman became my friend in the last few months. I haven't really shared much with her as I didn't fully trust her, but we messaged every day for a few months and saw each other a lot at the dance parties we go to.

She is very full on...messages everyday, and lately with very affectionate words that seem to be increasing in intensity (we haven't know each other that long so this makes me wary.) Things like love you always, and sending so much love today. I'm thinking, we've only known each a few months!!

Before I realised that she was too full on, I decided I wanted to learn the style that this couple teaches and so I signed up for one of their private classes. The second class we had was very odd. Her partner (the teacher) was creepy and inappropriate and kept trying to massage me. She ignored it. She screamed at him and swore at him (this was before the attempted massaging) and I also noticed that she talks disrespectfully about her partner a lot. We had dinner together twice with her partner there and I noticed there was a lot of controlling behaviour from her with him. Ordering him around about small things. I was so uncomfortable.

The day of the weird private class, it became clear that she was also trying to profit from me as she encouraged me to buy something that I didn't need and misled me about my need for it because she made a cut from the sale. There were some high pressure tactics involved.

After the 2nd class, I told her that I don't have money to continue as there's been a change in my income (which is actually true.) I also said I am working more hours (also true) so don't have as much time as before for messaging. I said all of this to distance myself.

She continues to message daily with affectionate things that are doing my head in. She is also overbearing and bossy in the messages. I feel infantilised when I read them.

She is even offering me free classes (I told her I don't have time for that.)

I paid for a block of classes in advance (4 lessons) and have only used 2. Not sure if I should ask for my money back. I just want to get as far away from this couple as possible.

But I don't want to create awkwardness in the community we're a part of as we see each other socially, but I don't know how to deal with it.

I feel like I'm screwed because if I'm honest with her and true to myself, there will be awkwardness when we see each other. And if I'm not honest, I'll be pretending to be her friend when we see each other socially and at other times.

:(

Anyone have any advice?

Should I just continue to say I'm busy and broke? How on earth do you respond to things like "love you" from someone you've known for all of 3 months. I feel like I'm being love bombed and manipulated somehow and just want to get as far as possible away.

OP posts:
Geanna2 · 01/07/2021 17:06

Just thank her for her kindness but maintain the front that you can no longer participate. With luck eventually she'll find another victim.

DixonD · 01/07/2021 17:11

She sounds like a typical MLM’er, hence the forced sale and how intense she is being.

DixonD · 01/07/2021 17:13

You don’t say if she involved in any such MLM schemes, but she sounds like a perfect candidate.

I’m not sure what to suggest but if you don’t want any awkwardness, you might have to pull away gradually until she leaves you alone. Ignore the declarations of love. Don’t respond to them, keep telling her you’re busy.

username059471 · 01/07/2021 17:14

There are a lot of red flags here OP. I've noticed that people who bad mouth their spouse will eventually do the same to you. It sounds like she treats him really badly and that will eventually be you. She is doing the idealise, devalue, discard triad on you and that's the sign of someone disordered.

I would dump and block. Block her number and just move on. Keep away from her. Let her keep the money.

Stichintime · 01/07/2021 17:18

Sounds really intense and strange. I would ignore her messages and be polite but distant if you see her socially.

Gothichouse40 · 01/07/2021 17:19

Delete, block and leave the class. These two sound very odd.

Chocaholic9 · 01/07/2021 17:22

I also think she is disordered.

She isn't in an MLM but she sold me something connected to the dance I am learning and got a cut. She put a lot of pressure on me around how easy it would be to get these items in the future so I thought there was scarcity when it turns out there just wasn't. I later found out I was also overcharged. So I realised then I wasn't a friend, I was a business opportunity.

I wondered if the intensity is just to reel me in, in a business sense but then she's also offering free classes which doesn't make sense.

I am friends with her on FB (don't want to be anymore) and will be seeing her at dance social events so can't just get rid of her out of my life completely unless I stop dancing, which isn't an option. I might do the option on future Facebook posts where she can't see them.

I created this post partly to get it off my chest. Thanks everyone for the replies.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 01/07/2021 17:29

I don’t think you can ask for your money back, or if you did, you wouldn’t be likely to get it. It’s you that have decided not to continue with it, regardless of the reasons why, valid as they may be. I’d block her & move on. She sounds weird & OTT.

Chocaholic9 · 02/07/2021 18:10

@LegoCaltrops

I don’t think you can ask for your money back, or if you did, you wouldn’t be likely to get it. It’s you that have decided not to continue with it, regardless of the reasons why, valid as they may be. I’d block her & move on. She sounds weird & OTT.
I've decided not to ask for the money back, I think you're right I wouldn't get it.
OP posts:
66babe · 02/07/2021 19:29

I would just block her everywhere
And get on with my life
If any questions are asked in your social circle you can just say "oh no I'm not dancing just now , no problem just busy and trying to build the finances back up "
BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK

Imjustsootired · 03/07/2021 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 00:22

"hopefully soon you will describe me as your friend, not your neighbour"
OMG, it sounds like a threat ...if you don't obey me treat me like a lifelong compadre you might get a horse's head in your bed (or whatever it is they do)
Do you think she like getting nasty OP? Does she have form'?

maras2 · 03/07/2021 03:39

choc
'These are sex people' To quote Alan Partridge. Wink

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/07/2021 14:27

Yes, with the sex people. I wasn't going to put that on, and risk being shouted down, but it has similarities with a situation I was on the edge of a few years ago. It turns out they were 'sex people'. Thanks for being brave enough @maras2. Also, does the mara part of your name give a reference to your birthplace? If it does, I'm from a similar area. Grin

TourdeTarte · 04/07/2021 14:42

Sex people?

TangledTrees · 04/07/2021 14:48

Fake an injury to force a coolong off period without any social awkwardness. Ongoing physio etc.

RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 04/07/2021 14:59

I think you can block her number and be friendly but distant at dance events.

Don't give up a hobby you're enjoying because of the wierdness

maras2 · 04/07/2021 15:03

spongebob
Not birthplace but an anagram(ish) of my RL name. Wink

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/07/2021 17:31

Oh, ok.

Stilltalkstotrees · 04/07/2021 17:39

@TourdeTarte

Sex people?

Here:

ScabbyHorse · 04/07/2021 17:46

Nut jobs.

TellingBone · 04/07/2021 17:49

The attempted massage would have been the end of it for me

blossomtree323 · 04/07/2021 19:42

Sex people Grin

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