Another in-law one, how to survive

[Bathmonster]

Hi
I could do with some advice from other mums on how to handle my situation. When I've spoken to people in real life I've been laughed at and told I'm "such a first time mum" but I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for my baby.

I've just given birth to our first child and I'm absolutely smitten with him but not sure I'm being over protective or just sensible. I got on well enough with my husbands parents until I became pregnant. There were a few issues during the pregnancy but DH did have words with them about boundaries and generally had my back. Until now we've lived far enough away that it wasn't a big deal but we're about to move nearby so I'm starting to worry about what's to come.

MIL is an alcoholic. She doesn't drink every day but when she does she falls over and breaks things. The family try to hide alcohol from her as much as possible but she's an adult so they can only do so much. I've been warned by my husbands sister to be careful letting her babysit as she has been found drunk while looking after her daughter. The family think that as long as FIL is also there it is safe (he also drinks but not as much).

She also smokes about 40 a day in her house. She is expecting us to visit with the baby and allow him to stay with her. With her current grandchildren she thinks it's OK to move to another room to smoke with the door ajar, her choice but I've already said I'm not happy for my baby to be indoors with all that second and third hand smoke.

I've seen the way both grandparents are with their other grandchildren and am very wary about them not following our instructions if they were to spend time alone with the baby. The grandchildren are given multiple chocolate bars daily instead of real food and throw and smash things around the house while the grandparents smile and say how well behaved they are. There was once an incident when one of the grandchildren was found pretending to smoke a lit cigarette she found on the floor (left by MIL after drinking).

There is so much more but I'd be here all day if I wrote everything down. DH is supportive and says he agrees with me but naturally wants his child to have a good relationship with their grandparents and tends to go along with them for an easy life.

Sorry for the essay, I've been getting more anxious the closer we get to the move. I really want to explain to DH how strongly I feel but don't want him to think he has to choose between us.

Never leave them alone with your children - insist they visit you too

Please don’t move near them - you will regret it

Don’t leave your child alone with them, just visit as a family.

You need to agree with DH before you move that his parents will never be babysitting. Yes it might cause friction, but your job is to protect your baby.

I got as far as the drinking mil. Before I was thinking nope don’t let them baby sit ever
But smoking too and you can’t be 100% fil will be responsible either

No. Get a nursery or childminder place sorted And never leave these two alone with your baby
Your baby’s health and welfare is your priority. His needs far far outweigh the in-laws

Seriously re think the moving closer thing - you may regret that

Do you have to move nearer.

Oh hell no. There’s no way I’d be taking a newborn into a house where someone is smoking 40 a day for starters. And the other stuff would make me not want to leave my child with them, could they visit at your place or in a public space?

Do not move closer to these people under any circumstances. Never leave your child solely in their care; they are not safe emotionally healthy people to be at all around you, let alone your child. Your FIL enables his wife's drinking so he is not reliable either.

Your child's needs far outweigh those of your H who wants to go along with them for an easy life. His own inertia along with FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you.

Thanks for all the replies, I was fully prepared to be told their relationship with their grandchildren was more important than my anxiety.

Unfortunately we need to move for DHs work but we will be in a position for me to be a SAHM so no need for babysitting. I think it will be expected as the other grandkids spend a lot of time there and I'll be seen as the overdramatic DIL for refusing to send him but I couldn't risk something happening to him. I'm breastfeeding so baby can't be away from me for too long just now anyway.

I will have friends and family of my own nearby so won't be reliant on them in any way but I'm glad to know I'm not being a dick. I dont want to stop then having a relationship with my son but I want to have proper boundaries (visits to our home/ public space only and no alcohol).

I don't think DH will take baby to them against my wishes but he's so used to their behaviour and how much the other grandkids love them that I worry he doesn't see what could go wrong.

You’re not being precious OP. There is no way my children would be spending alone time with them ever, you can’t leave children with people you can’t trust to look after them.
That doesn’t mean they can’t have a relationship with them though, it’ll just be whilst you or DH are around to look after them.

If they choose alcohol and cigarettes over being dgps that is on them op not on you..
No way would I be visiting or leaving a dc there... Your dh needs to consider the health and well being of your dc not pandering to adults...

Surely you can move to another area on the opposite side of Dh's workplace. Make sure you move to the furthest possible area away from the inlaws. Don't bring the baby to their house. You don't have to inflict her disgusting cigarette smoke onto your child, or yourself for that matter. If she visits your house don't allow her to smoke and make sure there is no alcohol available. Don't ever feel guilted into allowing her to babysit. She just won't be doing that - ever. If her other adult kids are happy for their kids to be left unsupervised with her and fil then that's up to them. You don't have to follow suit. If you do decide to go back to work at any point make sure you use a childminder or nursery, not family.

OP, your own instincts are telling you far more than other MNers can, I understand he's your first but no need to doubt yourself one bit. Stick to your guns.

No way would I be leaving my baby in that environment.

"I dont want to stop then having a relationship with my son but I want to have proper boundaries (visits to our home/ public space only and no alcohol)"

Neither is going to happen if MIL is an alcoholic. There will always be alcohol and enabling people like FIL around her. Her primary relationship is with drink and her thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. If she does visit your house do not allow her to smoke or have any alcohol available and if she does not like that, well tough.

Agree with the suggestion that @Notaroadrunner has suggested about moving close enough to your DH's work but the other direction to the inlaws. So your DH's work would be in the middle from your new home and your inlaws would be further on again from there.
There has to be a way to get the move for your DH's work to work in your favour.
Definitely don't let the inlaws do any sort of childminding for you.