I think I need to end it with my boyfriend and I’m really sad.

[Ifeelsosad83]

We have been dating about a year. I really like him a great deal, he is a lovely person but I can’t see it working and I don’t want to get hurt (although I’m already feeling hurt)

He has no children, I have one from previous relationship. He is 7 years younger and I’m heading increasingly close to 40 so don’t think I’ll have anymore. If only I met him earlier but I was stuck in an abusive marriage.

Which is another thing, I am struggling a little with my emotions. I was emotionally abused and I can’t control them too well at the moment and it’s not for him to keep putting up with me being needy. He is not very good at expressing himself and I need to express myself as I’ve never been allowed, I have to get it out. So he doesn’t really say any nice things to me and I really do need to hear them. I need some I love you’s and I miss yous etc as the only voice I’ve ever heard was my abusive husband and it was mean.

It’s such a shame as he does make me feel safe but I’m just too needy and too old I think. I’ve tried to tell him this but he keeps telling me to stop being daft. But he will want kids and I will get incredibly hurt if I really open up and it ends.

Have you tried saying all of this to him? If you’ve broached parts of it, and he’s saying you’re being ‘daft’, listen to him. Don’t let your insecurities ruin a good thing, because it sounds to me like you are assuming one day it’s going to end so you may as well end it now?! That’s not a healthy way to look at a relationship. If you’re happy, let yourself be happy and don’t worry about the future for now.

So Sorry to hear about your abusive relationship; I’m glad you are out of it now. To be honest it sounds like you’re aware that this is more to do with your understandable vulnerability than any shortcomings in your relationship with him necessarily? Have you had any counselling or therapy to help you work through what’s happened to you?
I was in an abusive relationship and therapy really helped me. I was self sabotaging a lot of relationships, needing a lot of reassurance and in a way I was almost being quite controlling as I was so terrified of being hurt again.
You deserve to be happy and he obviously doesn’t think you’re too old as he’s with you and thinks you’re being daft when you question the relationship. I hope you have friends in real life you can talk to about it too but definitely recommend a counsellor if you can do that.

I agree with pp you might want to think about speaking to a counsellor. Try to separate your past from your relationship with him. Why end it if you like him?

Agree with PP about the self sabotaging. You're scared and vulnerable which is understandable but to save you hurt you are sabotaging it. You don't know what he wants, maybe you should be open with him about what you have said above.
Also counselling helps alot. I used to be like this. Very clingy, needed reassurance and if I didn't get it I'd want to run away because I was scared and hurt.
Look up anxious attachment it helped me understand myself better. It would seem you are the same.

Honestly, I think the things you’ve highlighted as issues with your relationship can be worked on. Like it’s not the end of the road - I do agree with the self sabotage comment

Realistically he’s aware that you’re older than him and that you have a child and that he wants more children etc, and he still chose you. You’re not a problem for him.

Yes, he isn’t super affectionate or romantic but that can be worked on. I do think you would benefit from mental health support to allow you to process your past trauma

Yes I feel you are all right and I wrote a rather large message to explain it all. Rather get it all out. I am scared for him to see me in case he doesn’t like it, which is probably the abuse talking. When I am upset he wants to console me and I always run away. I don’t know why I do this.

He replied with such a lovely message I will just have to let him see me on the days I’m finding it hard instead of always pretending I’m ok. This scares me I don’t really understand why he would want to put up with that but that is the real me.

If he likes you, he will like you all the time, no matter how your doing at that point,

So sorry to hear what you've been brought OP.

I agree with everything PPs have said about working on yourself and the emotional side of things being resolvable (if that's a word!)

What does he say about the children side of things tho? If you're unlikely to have more and he wants then what is the solution to that? What does he say when you bring it up?

I'm not trying to be negative but I was in a similar situation myself 2 years ago (although I'm 37 and have underlying health issues meaning I definitely won't be having more DCs) so I ended it and will now only date men who already have DC to avoid the same situation coming up as it was heartbreaking to end it at the time

Thats nice. I didn’t really see it like that as my marriage was transactional. When I was feeling emotional or needed some consolation I didn’t get it, I was a burden or punished.