Should I log with police?

[whatthefuckity]

Husband and I separated a couple of months ago. Been living separately since. Dcs involved. I'm still in the jointly owned property.

All has been on very good terms, just grew apart both brought up the separation topic because we don't see the point anymore. No big dramas occurred. Both agreed we don't want a relationship with each other, better off as friends.

I'm doing him a big favour soon with regards to his days and he asked if he could ever do anything to help to let him know because it was a huge help to him with work etc and I've rearranged my work to help.

So I asked if he would watch the dcs just for a couple of hours so I could meet a friend I haven't seen in ages and offered for me to go shopping and for a drink...he said that was fine and suggested to feed the dcs dinner and put them to bed at mine as it wouldn't work with his work schedule the next day. Fine I have no problems with that as we're still good friends etc I was going to be back at 8/9 so thought it would work great.

But when I got home he went mental, lost his shit completely. Said he's seen a car outside a few times recently (no idea whose, lots of people live on this street) went searching through my outside bins and found a condom.

Accused me of having an affair (not true), went mental saying he was babysitting whilst I was on a date (not true).

I mean I know the condom doesn't look great and I have had sex with one person, one time. But before the split we didn't have sex in over a year and even before then I reckon we haven't had sex more than ten times in 5 years that's including trying for dc2 as well. It was always something that seriously bothered me. It was with someone I know and trust, not a total stranger, certainly not in a relationship and I definitely didn't do anything when the dcs were in the house.

I can see why he might jump to "affair" but I also feel a bit creeped out in all honesty. He actually went through 2 weeks of dirty bins when I thought he was being nice and returning the favour. When really the plan was to search through my belongings inside and outside. I'm now suddenly a home wrecking whore for wanting a bit of physical intimacy for the first time in my life even though he would never give it to me.

I don't know if I should shrug it off as a moment of madness or log it somewhere official in case it escalates because I'm so shocked he did that I feel a bit stressed about the next curveball that might occur.

Also have I missed something and had sex with someone else way too soon? I feel bad but in my head we're separated. That's done. He never wanted any physical intimacy with me anyway, so why would he be bothered.

Should I have waited longer? Should I ask to have the locks changed even though it's still jointly owned.

You are separated
You can have sex with whoever you choose to
He's a prick
Not sure the police would be interested but I would just say "you are being ridiculous who knows who's put a condom in there now piss off back to your own house and get your senses together "
We are both allowed to date you know
But I'd leave it there .. especially as you don't intend this to be a regular partner ? The condom owner I mean ...
you've done nothing wrong @whatthefuckity

You're separated, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Don't have him in your home anymore, you can't trust him.

What are you thinking of "logging"? The fact he went through your bin? I don't think it is an appropriate use of police time.

If your dh is a joint owner of the house, you have no right to exclude him from the house by changing locks.

I don't think you can "log" anything with the police. You're either reporting it or you're not.

I don't think they'll do anything, as it sounds like a row between a couple who are breaking up.

OP was this in front of your children?
Does he have form for this? What I mean is, when you were together, was he controlling and had rages? Did he go through your stuff?

Whether you had sex or who with or when, isn't important here so don't fixate on that. He had no right to go through your bins and you are no longer together, so who you sleep with is none of his business. He has no right to call you names or abuse you.

I would dial 101 and speak to the police, get some advice.
If you're married then get the ball rolling on divorce. If the property is jointly owned, can you start working on what to do there. Get some legal advice, you can contact Rights of Women or get a solicitor.

OP you need evidence, so start logging his behaviour in a journal. Download the Brightsky App and get yourself a doorbell that records, try Eufy in case he starts to harass you.

Sorry I don't mean I want the police to do anything but the behaviour to me is so batshit I wonder if it's wise to have it documented. I don't know?! I don't want to waste anyone's time obviously.

Just worried he'll do something more batshit soon.

So I mean if he does something else crazy then there's a record of weird behaviour.

I didn't realise me just documenting it in writing myself would suffice.

No he didn't do it in front of the dcs and hasn't made me feel scared before. I just feel so creeped out every time I've walked past my bins I've felt shame. Like I'm some sort of man eater looking for the next one with a pulse to shag. He made me feel so embarrassed.

As you're not divorced, yes, it was extra-marital sex. Whether it's wrong or not is a completely different issue, and I can't see that there's anything wrong with that.

It sounds like perhaps he hoped you'd get back together and is now realising that's not the case- I had a similar thing with my exH. He was the one that ended things, four months later I started the divorce proceedings and he got upset that that meant it was definitely over... well I'm afraid that actually happened when he walked out!

How he feels about that is not your responsibility, aside from that- he's broken your trust. Don't allow him access to your house again (I also learnt that lesson the hard way) but also don't retaliate. He hasn't done anything illegal (as far as I can see) as you gave him access to your home and although he got angry he didn't break anything, steal anything, hurt or threaten anyone.

Adjust your expectations of him though and be careful.

OP,
You are separated and he has left the home.

None of his business.

I think him going mental is a big deal and I would most definitely log it with 101.

Were your children witness to his behaviour?

Log all details with the police.
That must have been very scary.

Do not allow him in the house again and tell him his behaviour has been passed to the police.

Clearly you didn't know him as well as you thought.

You never know!
Protect yourself and know you have done nothing wrong.

It's none of his business what you do or who you do.

He might have been holding onto hope of you getting back together. Maybe you need to have a frank discussion. Explain why his behaviour wasn't acceptable and lay down some rules about child care/ communication.

First of all you separated months ago?
Haven’t the bins been emptied since then?
He is an arsehole

You can always call 101 and they will made a record and give you a reference number, helped a lot with my ex.
You can sleep with whoever you like.

Now, when it comes to this big favour you are doing for him. Unless there is an apology.
I would not contact him at all after this behaviour and when it’s time for this favour just be very noncommittal.
“Yeah, yeah, once I get out from under this bloke I’ll be there”

Oh and…. And…. You cannot babysit your own children.

You can't just "log" something with police . What offence has he committed? Bring a dick isn't a criminal offence.
(I work in the legal field with lots of experience in domestic abuse )

There is nothing to log or make a complaint to police about .

He was invited round . He hasn't turned up unannounced. Yes he's found out you're moving on and got upset - queue to stop seeing him as a friend , he's a co parent and an ex . He clearly isn't in that same headspace. Distance yourself. He's obviously more bothered than he's let on . But if it's done and over don't expect him to be your friend .

Exactly what @fuckedandbombed said. You can't just 'log' it with the police. You are either reporting something that you want them to take action with or you're not reporting anything. The old days of police discretion are long gone. If you choose to contact police they will want information from you about you him and the children which will be shared with multi agencies. There's too much risk re safe guarding around domestic abuse for police to just log stuff with no action.

Is he after custody? Perhaps this is a method of character assassination?

Hmmmm two sides to this story I reckon

The best you can do is log the behaviour on a diary. Times, dates, words. Get a detailed account of what happened and keep hold of it.

Yes you can log this with the Police. They will make a domestic report with all the details, even though no offences have been committed. Information about the children will not be shared without multi agencies unless they have specific concerns about the children's welfare.

As a PP said - bet the bins have been emptied a few times since you separated.

There's nothing to log. The police can't do anything and he hasn't committed a crime. Just don't let him round again.

If you do ring 101 they'll simply record a "non crime domestic ".

You'll be recorded on police system as "victim " of a non crime and he will be logged as suspect of a "non crime ".

@Roblox01

Hmmmm two sides to this story I reckon

What do you think the other side of the story for him going through her bins is?

You can’t log things with the police. That’s a made up Mumsnet thing.

What you can do, is record it factually in a diary, with the date and time, in case this becomes a pattern and you need to refer back to this incident in future.