DDs dad messaged me.

[Nostacti]

My DD is 21months. When I found out I was pregnant, her dad wasnt supportive at all and broke up with me. When DD was born, I sent him a message (which he ignored).

Last night, he randomly messaged me asking if he could see DD as he's now ‘grown up’ and wants to see her. I don't trust him as surely if he wanted to be involved, he would've messaged sooner? She's nearly 2!

I haven't replied to him yet, any advice will be appreciated.

Ask him for his address for Cms. If he is serious about stepping up he will comply.

Its a difficult one. My advice would be to try and remove your (understandable) feelings from the situation and try and look at things from you DDs perspective. What is in her best interests? In all honesty its probably best for her to have a relationship with her dad. I know he doesn't deserve it, but that's not you DDs fault.

If you were to enable such a relationship, at least she's young enough to forget him if he fails to stick around. But maybe he would be a positive addition to her world and he really has grown up. I would have a really good talk with him and make sure he understands what it takes to be a good dad going forward.

Maybe he realised the error of his ways or maybe he is planning of coming and going from her life. You need to contact him back and talk with him about what he wants with regards to DD but also tell him what you want and what slow cautious steps he needs to do if he wants to be introduced to DD.

Understandably you are hurt by his shitty coward behaviour when u were pregnant, but at the same time u owe your daughter the possibility of having both parents in her life. If u stop him from meeting her he could always take it to court(if bothered), which wouldn't be nice for you or DD, or you are risking one day when DD is adult going searching for her dad and him saying u stopped him from having contact with her when she was little. And you will be the bad guy (even though its not what happened).

Best to open a line of communication with him, and do this in a way that will have the least impact on your DC and in a way that you are most comfortable with. Better than the possibility of the decision being taken out of your hands xx

If it was me? I’d give him a chance to come and see her. People fuck up, and yes it’s a pretty big fuck up but I’d give him one chance and one chance only. Good luck x

Are you getting any maintenance from him? I'd be arranging that firstly...

You don't trust him for understandable reasons, but, I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.... once. Having said that, that doesn't mean I'd be opening the door and telling him to do whatever he likes

I'd start with suggesting you have a proper conversation. Ask him to spell out what exactly it is that he thinks he will be doing with and for DD? How does he want this to work? Then of course, work out whether this is in DD's best interests and is practical. Then, depending on what you have agreed is the long term goal, I'd be putting in place a process to get there, with various milestones along the way. If he doesn't meet those, then you know he can't be trusted to meet the bigger ones.

I'd also be asking what he's planning to do about supporting her financially if he wants to be involved.

I think you owe it to your dd to give him one chance but make sure it’s just one, I’ve given my ex countless chances and I regret it as it’s damaging to the kids, so I say one chance and one only

The more people who love your DD the better. Give him a chance, but make sure he understands it's one shot and if he fucks up he won't get any more.
She's young enough to build a relationship with him, give her the opportunity to do so.

I would let him personally but tread carefully in the beginning to make sure he means what he says. If it doesn't turn out very well then at least Ur daughter knows you didn't step in the way of them having a relationship. If it goes good then amazing, your daughter will have a father figure and someone else to love her

I’d give him a chance, but on your terms. Have a meeting with him and talk it all through so you both go into this with the same expectations.
People make mistakes, immature idiots grow up, if this ends with your DD having a good relationship with her other parent then surely that’s a good thing?
You’ll quickly find out if he is serious about being a dad, toddlers are boring and if this is just a whim/phase he’ll be quickly gone, your daughter won’t remember and you can in good conscience say you tried.

@Triffid1

You don't trust him for understandable reasons, but, I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.... once. Having said that, that doesn't mean I'd be opening the door and telling him to do whatever he likes

I'd start with suggesting you have a proper conversation. Ask him to spell out what exactly it is that he thinks he will be doing with and for DD? How does he want this to work? Then of course, work out whether this is in DD's best interests and is practical. Then, depending on what you have agreed is the long term goal, I'd be putting in place a process to get there, with various milestones along the way. If he doesn't meet those, then you know he can't be trusted to meet the bigger ones.

I'd also be asking what he's planning to do about supporting her financially if he wants to be involved.

Basically this. He needs to be a grown up and have a conversation / plan with you. You set the rules and the pace and he builds trust gradually.