Adult Son problems

[Guardsman18]

I hope that this is ok to do. Please ignore if I am out of order.

I posted some time ago and the names that stick in my mind are @RandomMess and @sslooou who gave me good advice and really helped.

I last posted about my DS2, his father and how he was shouting at me about him but not really doing any parenting himself. (I don't know how to link, sorry). I put things in place thanks to your advice and it was going well. DS2 has got good results (I got him a few tutors although that was a torrent of abuse because of the cost etc. It was my money btw) so now all is good there. There is nothing to shout about as DS2 doing fine.

Now we have DS1 very upset, shouting and losing control because I'm this, I'm that. I just know that his father talks to him about things that he shouldn't. I don't handle 'confrontation' very well, I know. I hate to be yelled at and clam up a bit. I feel that I have been a steady presence in his life over the past few years; helping when he's needed it but keeping my nose out when it obviously isn't.

I'm not perfect I know - I'm drinking too much since the first lockdown and can't seem to snap out of the apathy I felt. I've lost my job so things are not great.

The things that DS1 is shouting at me must come from his father. He was very upset and is saying things that just wouldn't come from him. He's too busy working, seeing his friends, playing sport to be wondering what I'm doing or not doing. He shouts things that are just not like him.

I'm dreading seeing him as I don't know how to not be me as I don't know what I've done wrong. I know it's his father saying things to him but I don't know what to do. He said yesterday that he was going to move out and I thought - thank goodness for that - it's an awful thing to think. I just feel that I've left one abusive man and replaced it with another.

Apologies for this being so long but I really don't know what to do or how to handle this.

Thank you

How old is DS1? Sounds like he's at least 18 if he's threatening to leave home?

Whatever his age shouting at his mother and calling her names is not OK. It doesn't matter if his father is feeding him this stuff, he is old enough to know better. I'm afraid if you 'avoid confrontation' then you've probably created a dynamic where he knows you won''t discipline him or stick up for yourself. That needs to stop.

I'd suggest you need to get some counselling and read up on techniques for conflict management to help you have a conversation with him that sets boundaries and consequences. I'm guessing there are some long standing psychological reasons for why you cannot cope with confrontation (which is often more about being assertive and not letting people walk all over you, not 'confronting'). You also need to address the drinking and apathy as I'm sure you know. You sound depressed and need some help to get through that.

I have no idea why you think it's awful to think it would be a relief if he left (unless he's much younger and I've misunderstood). You are entitled to respectful behaviour in your own home from all who live there, irrespective of if related or not. And if you are paying then bills and he's living subsidised, waited on and/or free even more so.

I would be setting up a discussion when he is calm, maybe get him to go for a walk or some way it's less 'in your face'. Tell him how you love him but are very disappointed in him, this is not the loving child you know etc (pile on the guilt). Describe the unacceptable behaviour - be very specific "you cannot call me X or Y", don't just say 'don't swear at me'. Hearing the actual words back from your lips might shock him a bit and realise how nasty it sounds.

Firmly state it is not acceptable. I would then pick up on the leaving home threat and tell him that if this behaviour continues then yes, it will be a good idea if he found somewhere else to live. Call his bluff.

If he tries to deflect with blame about you, then head that off. Even if he has legitimate issues about your behaviour (e.g. your drinking) then be clear you are prepared to talk about it but not right now and you will arrange a separate discussion. Don't be defensive but separate the two out and don't let him distract from the main issue here, which is how he is treating you.

At no time suggest this is all coming from his father or even mention his father. Nothing will come from blaming the other parent. And if he uses his Dad as an excuse - then no, he needs to own his actions.

If he won't talk to you, write it in a letter or email and be clear you expect a response. If you let this go now I think you know it will only escalate.

I'm wary of giving advice as I don't know your situation and the history and it sounds very complex.

Is it possible that ds1 is treating you the way his father treated you? Either way, it's not acceptable and you must ask him to move out. He is demonstrating a complete lack of respect and unless you stand up to him and take action, he will carry it in because he can.

Secondly, please get help for your drinking.

Good luck

Thank you for your replies. DS1 is 20. Over the years he has been very influenced by his father. He doesn't know that his behaviour is because of the things his father has said. Does that makes sense?

Yes, I feel that he is treating me the way his father did/does. He'll only be with his father if he moves out and I feel that would be worse.

I just feel very stuck.

He's 20??? Then he can bloody well move out of your house, and get his own place, can't he? A young teen parroting words he's heard his dad say is one thing, but an adult man is quite another. Find your spine, love, and stand up to the rude little shit.

Him moving out is not a failure on your part. It’s a normal part of growing up. He he wants to join forces with his father and be a misery with him, at 20 I don’t think there’s much more you can do.
Previous poster has good points in taking it forward, there’s no room for you to be abused in you own house. Make that clear, zero tolerance.

You sound depressed and anxious, the alcohol is showing you that. There’s better and more effective help out there. Please give yourself the same efforts that you put into ds2 when he was struggling. Show your boys the strong woman that you are!