Is there something wrong with my and my views of sex.

[Anotherporn1]

I cannot and don’t want to have sex without emotional!intimacy. My body is not just handed to anyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time and I had sex because it was something I was supposed to and abused into doing, I had zero emotional connection to him.

I got out and found myself with a man who was really lovely and calm but watched a lot of porn. Instantly I checked out emotionally. He was busy wanking himself off to mostly lesbians and it completely turned me off and it shuts me off sexually, my body was clearly not special enough to him.

Is this me am I asking for the wrong things or is every man like this. I can’t continue like this. It’s taken me a hell of a lot to recover from abuse and this is what I find. It triggers me back to the time where I wasn’t good enough.

I do think the majority of men watch porn regularly, but that doesn't mean you can't find a partner who doesn't. You would need to make your boundaries clear on that and explain it's a dealbreaker. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way if it's how you feel.

Have you had any support or therapy to rebuild yourself after going through abuse? I'm not saying you should do that so you can make yourself be comfortable with a partner who watches porn, or that you need to try force yourself to be okay with sex without emotional connection. But abuse is a heck of a thing to go through, it can change how you feel about yourself and how you see the world and others. If you can access professional support then I would.

I have only ever had sex with my DH.
I can’t imagine having sex outside of a relationship.
No judgement on those who do, I just know I couldn’t.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and you’re not asking for the wrong things.

The use of porn is unrelated to you or whether you’re good enough. You are definitely good enough. We each feel differently about sex and the situations and conditions in which we will want to have it.

Lots of men don’t rely on porn and will want to enjoy a full relationship with you. This was an initial unlucky experience. Look after yourself and take your time.

You sound quite normal to me.

You’re looking for a man who values the same things as you do. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to sexuality as long as you’re doing what’s comfortable for you and makes you happy.

Some people watch porn, some don’t. If it’s a dealbreaker for you then that’s something you need to make clear early on. Good relationships and sex are about communication - knowing what you need, being able to convey that to your partner, and responding in turn to what they’re telling you. Problems tend to arise when you just expect people to be able to guess or are giving unclear messages. Talking therapy can be really good for empowering you to express yourself better and be unafraid to do so, rather than slide into something you dislike because you feel too awkward to say anything.

I had lots of sex pre-DH, the vast majority with no emotional attachment and for all the wrong reasons, it was, almost without exception, utterly shit. DH has always been completely focused on me sexually, porn does nothing for him and it hasn't seemed to matter what state my body is in (weight fluctuations of over 4 stone over the years, pregnancies/birth damage, periods of poor MH and me really not looking after myself etc) his interest has never changed. It's taken me far too long to really believe that due to past trauma (I was raped aged 13 and had a couple of fairly abusive relationships before DH) and it's become obvious that sex really doesn't work for me without total trust and a deep emotional connection.

So no, I don't think the things you're asking for are wrong, or unreasonable/unattainable. It does narrow your options but I'm not sure that's a bad thing, nothing wrong with being discerning! I think the trick is probably to hone your red-flag-spotting skills and waste zero time moving on if they're waving, there are good men out there but there's no denying that we have to wade through a lot of shit ones to find them. And it's not about you not being good enough, it's that the men you've been involved with aren't good enough for you

They're not all like that thankfully.
I get that it's depressing that some are though! Nothing wrong with you at all.

It does sound like you have an (over?) romanticised view of sex - of course, you're allowed to have that standard for yourself and it isn't 'wrong'.

But I think the parts about 'handing your body to him' and your body not being special enough do reveal some slightly problematic views about love and sex, and the roles of men and women.

Ultimately though, you get to pick your dealbreakers and as long as you're aware that your standards aren't necessarily the 'norm', I can't see what harm it does.

I’m with you OP. I couldn’t have sex with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with - I’ve always held this view. I need to be connected to someone emotionally to get intimate with them.

I’ve only slept with one man - my husband.

I'm the same as you, and think it's a really healthy approach to sex (for women and men).

I understand how you feel. I'd avoid someone who watched a lot of porn like the plague! Porn is not real and is degrading.

Sex without an emotional connection is pointless in my view. I did 'get around' a bit before meeting husband and there is no comparison.

Good luck.

Emotional connection /being in a committed relationship are normal requirements for many people to have sex.

However...

I actually don't think u should be dating or having sexual relationships with anyone until you seek some therapy. It's not normal to be feel riggered everytime someone fails your standards. You have obviously not healed from your past trauma with the ex, and your mental health and self image is very fragile. It's best to work on your self image and your own boundaries before you venture back into dating.

@Hont1986

It does sound like you have an (over?) romanticised view of sex - of course, you're allowed to have that standard for yourself and it isn't 'wrong'.

But I think the parts about 'handing your body to him' and your body not being special enough do reveal some slightly problematic views about love and sex, and the roles of men and women.

Ultimately though, you get to pick your dealbreakers and as long as you're aware that your standards aren't necessarily the 'norm', I can't see what harm it does.

There's nothing problematic or abnormal about seeing sex as something kind of special that you don't just do with anyone!

I personally do not like having sex outside of a relationship. What happens if I do that, is that I start thinking it means something and the man thinks it means nothing.

Friends with benefits or casual sex is a myth propagated by sex positive people. It doesn't work for most. If you scan the relationship boards of this website you'll find so many people who had sex and then got hurt because they developed feelings.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that! There's a name for it and it has a flag and everything!

I think for most people it is absolutely normal.

I'm the same. Look up demisexual

I'm the same. Look up demisexual

Come on now. This is not a sexual orientation or an identity and it doesn't make you part of the LGBT+ community. It's just a normal feeling for lots of people, including likely the majority of women. It doesn't need a label.

I can't have sex with my husband without kissing. So if he has a cold sore that off the agenda. I think it's pretty normal.

@teezletangler

I'm the same. Look up demisexual

Come on now. This is not a sexual orientation or an identity and it doesn't make you part of the LGBT+ community. It's just a normal feeling for lots of people, including likely the majority of women. It doesn't need a label.

There is a difference... People who are demisexual aren't holding back from sex, or feeling physically attracted but waiting for intimacy to grow. We really don't experience the attraction till after knowing the person. It's as if the possibility of attraction clicks into focus suddenly after not bring there at all before. This is why it's really easy for me not to cheat even without any moral consideration. It takes a lot of closeness for someone else's sexuality to register as existing at all with regard to me.

@ComtesseDeSpair

You’re looking for a man who values the same things as you do. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to sexuality as long as you’re doing what’s comfortable for you and makes you happy.

Some people watch porn, some don’t. If it’s a dealbreaker for you then that’s something you need to make clear early on. Good relationships and sex are about communication - knowing what you need, being able to convey that to your partner, and responding in turn to what they’re telling you. Problems tend to arise when you just expect people to be able to guess or are giving unclear messages. Talking therapy can be really good for empowering you to express yourself better and be unafraid to do so, rather than slide into something you dislike because you feel too awkward to say anything.

I'm dating at the moment. Interested to know how you would approach this early on in a relationship?

Not like you can write on my Match profile: "Looking for a kind loving man, gsoh, who doesn't wank to porn"

Half lighthearted half genuinely curious!