Would you be ok with this?

[Anxietyhelens]

Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. We’ve been together a year but the only time DP is verbally affectionate is when drunk. He has sometimes said he misses me or I look beautiful, but it is quite formal and awkward. When he’s drunk he’s not exactly gushing to tell me how he feels, but there’s a marked change in his tone, much warmer, very chatty. I guess like most people who have had a drink.

I just feel frustrated that I only see affection like that from him after alcohol. Would it bother you?

Why are you two together at all?

Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?. This is NOT what it should be like a mere 12 months in. I would consider ending this relationship because this is likely who he is.

How often too does he get drunk?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat not often drunk actually, that was badly worded. He has a drink once a week on average. Doesn’t take him much to be tipsy. He’s quite formal generally. He’s always been like that and partly I think it’s who he is, partly lack of experience with women.

Your most recent reply was all about him, what about you here?.

What are you getting out of this?. Is he all you think you deserve from a relationship?. What has prevented you from ending this relationship to date?.

I’m not sure it would bother me - if he’s living in other ways but just doesn’t verbalise it then I’d be ok with that. But it depends if it’s making you happy.

Some people are just very reserved, but less so after a couple of drinks.

Well I wouldn’t say my DH is verbally affectionate - he’s very contained in that way. What’s significant is how he conducts himself in the relationship and how he treats me. He’s just run around for me for my birthday - making me cakes, buying presents and flowers etc. So I would be measuring by deeds not words necessarily.

Some people find it hard to be gushy unless they've had a drink to loosen them up. Do his actions show that he loves you?

Sounds like he's not doing anything wrong as such, it's just who he is. It's up to you if you want to be with him.

He’s quite affectionate when together, wants to hold me a lot and pays for dinners and buys chocolate and food I like when I stay. I guess it just feels frustrating that he’s so so formal in messaging. He’s clearly capable of being verbally affectionate or affectionate by text but only happens after a drink!

Some people are like that, my husband isn’t very verbally affectionate, well, not to humans, he is to animals if he thinks no one can hear him.

But he is affectionate in other ways and I very much feel loved by him. It doesn’t bother me, I’m very verbally affectionate, I’m fairly sure my husband would prefer it if I was more about gestures. People are just different.

We both have fridays off together, if he plans something for us he sends me a calendar invite, the height of romance. My

As @Divebar2021 said, it's about deeds not words. I'd also find it very reassuring that after a drink or two what comes out is affection rather than anything else, it's a good sign.

I don’t think it’s an issue, he’s probably just less reserved when drunk and less shy about talking about feelings.
But if you don’t like it then you don’t have to stick around. You can ask a lot of strangers if they’d be OK with it, but really it only matters if you are OK with it too and it sounds like you’re not.

Have you spoken to him about it @Anxietyhelens?

It’s fine if that’s the way he is, but perhaps he needs to hear you’d like more reassurance/affectionate words?

Aren't we supposed to mention love languages now! Some people show they care in different ways. Usually people express love in the way they prefer to receive it.

DH is verbose and romantic. It was sort of endearing at the start, but now it gets on my tits. I would prefer he unloaded the dishwasher. I'm not very verbally affectionate, if at all really. I've no doubt he loves me, but what is the value of this when I feel tired or need a hug. A lot of romantic waffle can sound hollow after a while.

I think only you know whether he can make you feel happy, secure and loved. Personally I think lots of verbal affection is often a lazy short cut that the giver believes will alleviate the need for any other expressions such as acts of service, and cheaper than buying gifts. Its not just the intention you should consider, its actually whether what he does and who he is makes you happy. Do you feel loved? I think its one of the very few situations where outcome is more important than intention.

This is interesting to read! And a bit of a sense check with myself because yes he’s great otherwise. When we are apart I often wish he would tell me he’s missing me or he loves me or something else similar. He’s just not like that though and the best I will get is an ‘I miss you too’ if I say it first.

I’m probably being silly though, when we are together it’s all fine and I feel very loved. In a way I wish he wasn’t verbally affectionate when drunk because it makes me think oh just say it sober!

Sounds like that's just who he is. I'd focus on how he is with you rather than the messaging as that's what matters long term