Is he cheating? How do i find out

[curiouscamel]

I have nothing to go by. He's not cheated before.
Maybe im just being a bit insecure, but i have this niggling feeling.
Tonight he's gone to the pub with his mates, i was so tempted to ring the pub an ask if theres a group of guys or not.
I didnt....
He doesnt really like me using his phone... if im using it to send myself a message or something he will ask for it back pretty quickly.
Ughhhh
Has anyone got any tips to see if he is or not?

No idea but go with your gut, think I would be a complete head case and go detective

@WhoUsedMyName what would you do? Apart from look through his phone?
Im sort of too scared too, not because i think he is but maybe because he will catch me

I think the phoning the pub when he hasn't given you a reason to think he is cheating is a bit extreme and unhealthy.

If you feel like your gut is telling you something then when you can check his phone.

If it doesn't show anything, you need to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want to be in if you feel this insecure.

I think this is very strange, unless you have a reason not to trust him...

Why do you need to use his phone to send a message to yourself?

Instead of snooping, which you know is wrong, you need to have a conversation with him & tell him how you are feeling.

If you can't do that & you have no trust, I would suggest that this isn't a good relationship that has a secure future.

There must be more to it than going to the pub, it doesn't seem abnormal especially when the footballs on.
Is he going out more than usual?

@BaronessOfTheNorth for example if my phones in the kitchen and i need to send a reminder or add something to the shopping list.
Recently i was locked out of my apple ID and it said i need to use another device to go through the steps i could literally sense how uncomfortable with it

You keep your powder dry, that's how.
You will spot the signs in time if you are looking for them.
My top recommendation is to keep notes, or a diary, on your phone or somewhere private cos he will gaslight you.
Best wishes, and I hope your concerns come to nothing.

I am not cheating on my husband but would be very uncomfortable with him using my phone. It's private. A phone holds so much more these days then simple call records. It is like a diary in many ways. I have notes, photos, conversations about private stuff with friends that I may not have chosen to share with him - not for any sinister reason other than simply not his business. We are all entitled to a private life even when married.
If my DH decided that my uncomfortable behaviour about sharing my phone gave him some kind of god given (or in this case MN given ) right to violate my privacy to satisfy his paranoia I would be really angry and want to reconsider my relationship.

If you are insecure you need to speak to your partner. If his answers do not make you feel better then you do not have trust and the relationship is doomed. You need to end it and find someone who does not make you feel like that.

I don’t like my dp using my phone even though I’m not a cheat. He could look at my MN posting history for a start 👀 which would be mortifying enough but I also have a video of myself squeezing an incredibly satisfying blackhead on my chin and my search history almost certainly has his ex’s name in there along with loads of other stuff that would look dodgy as hell if just taken on it’s own. I don’t think it’s unusual to be protective about your phone.

He could have been worried that a very laddish message would pop up from one of his mates and annoy you or embarrass him. My DH is a mature 30 something year old man but some of his group chats look like they could written by a bunch of 13 year olds. He's not bothered about me seeing them but I know some of his friends' partners would be less than impressed.

Also, if he's a football fan there's no chance he was anywhere other than the pub tonight.

Do you have children together, OP? Are you tied to the house while he's out?

I've been here and you need to ask yourself why you feel insecure, for me I could feel the relationship drifting and I became obsessed with checking the phone. I never found anything but I was subconsciously trying to work out what was going on. If you're happy and feel secure, you wouldnt want to check so what is making you unhappy? Thats the first step to working all this out

At this stage there's not much to go on, hold your water. I wouldn't speak to him about your insecurities just yet, if he is cheating he could blame future suspicions on your emotions and your insecurities.
I would also avoid reading his phone. If there's no smoking gun there you might have it a while. He may catch you and if there's no cheating then this will cause a problem in your relationship. I don't feel comfortable with DP using my phone. There are private conversations there where people have confided in me.
Sorry for the questions but these are things I would be thinking about.
Does he go out more often?
Does he have any traces of perfume/makeup on his clothes when he comes home?
How is he towards you in general, loving/caring?
Is it just the behaviour with the phone that's making you feel this way?
Is he only shifty with the phone when you're using it?

You may not find anything on his phone even if he is cheating. There are apps like KIK that make affairs so easy to hide. It's like WhatsApp, but you can delete the app and then login and it remembers all your chats and details. You can join with a username no need for a phone number or any personal information.

If you want to warrant snooping then I think it has to be a bit more clear than just a feeling and this is from experience.
It's happened twice to me.

First time he suddenly altered his behaviour. We were young (early 20s)and used to go out with friends drinking a lot. He was quite flirty with one them so I did feel on edge, but he started encouraging me to stay home, telling me he didn't want me to come etc.
It was out of character, so I snooped. Turned out that he was close to cheating and he was on the verge of hooking up with someone.

It happened again maybe 8 years later. He started to mention a colleague more and more. Then he went on a night out with friends and they all stayed over at someone's house after an end of term party.
He came home late the next morning causing me and my daughter to miss an event we had planned to go to as a family.
He was out of sorts all of a sudden, his behaviour shifted.
This time I found chats with a colleague as something had obviously happened. I'm not sure what as it wasn't explicitly written, but there was joking of "if only we were both single" and "you didn't 'feel' very old last night" and "what we did wasn't wrong though"
The images of those messages will be forever burned in my memory.
It takes a lot to rebuild trust (again experience as I'm now married to the guy and its been 6 years since the last incident) so don't break that seal unless there is more to it as either you find something that could destroy you, or you don't and you'll have to take a long hard look at yourself and the relationship.

I’ve been cheated on.

However you say nothing that would indicate it, and therefore taking action which is intrusive like looking at his phone or phoning the pub isn’t really on. Don’t do it.

A lot of people don’t like other people using their phone. They would have boundary issues in someone constantly expecting to have a right to share it. The reasons you give for wanting to use it are weak.

My reading of what you have written is that you do have an expectation that you share his phone and you are describing him as being uncomfortable with that. It’s a relatively normal thing.

You seem to be pushing across his boundaries and looking for new reasons to do it, including accusing him of cheating. That doesn’t happen in good relationships because you have trust and respect.

Could be anything OP not necessarily affairs— could be porn on his search , hook ups, friends sending inappropriate stuff he knows you wouldn’t like. In my experience men get defensive if they know stuff is on there you would react at— but it’s not alwaysaffairs