My dad is 85 and in good health. My mum died unexpectedly two years ago, aged 75. My 45 year old brother moved in with dad, in part because he wanted to live in a quieter place, rent-free etc. In return, he cooks meals, runs my dad about and frankly puts up with him - he deserves a medal, and he's certainly not trained as a carer. Mum's death was a huge blow to us all.
But to the issue...before mum's death, I could go weeks without speaking to my dad, because we agree on almost nothing - we have different views on politics, religion - everything. I sometimes can't believe I'm related to him, and I generally avoided him and his belittling (about my job, what I eat, my political views) and controlling manner (I don't want you to do that, you shouldn't do that, don't tell your brother. I'm nearly 50!). He offered no help (and I mean none) when my kids were born, and prevented my mother from coming to stay because 'who would look after me?'.
Since mum died, I've been phoning him every day - partly to ease my guilt that my brother has shouldered the load, partly to break up his day. He has few friends, but close relatives live within a 5 mile radius - they don't really help.
This seems so simple now I write it down. But how can I break this cycle of phoning? Each conversation leaves me with red mist descending which I then offload on OH. Hearing about who he's fallen out with, grumbling about the weather, socialists, why women shouldn't be priests, how he's run off his feet tidying the house (he won't accept help) - he knows these topics will annoy me, but he can't seem to help himself. So many micro aggressions that are severely testing me - and the reason I used to avoid speaking to him.
Me: I'm working nearly full-time from home, have kids in primary and my own life to worry about, plus a very ill MiL. Over lockdown, as I'm geographically distant, I've sent him treats, hampers and whisky, and surprised him with trips more recently. I know I'm not perfect.
My OH just says: tell him you won't phone if he's rude or just moans again. I've tried this, and he replies - well thanks very much. The old controlling guilt trip! Not - oh, I didn't realise or I'm sorry I'm having a bad day - just the guilt trip, and I feel like I've kicked a puppy.
I'm torn between pity for a widowed man who has struggled to find his feet of late. I'm sad that my relationship with him is so poor, and jealous that others have supportive relationships with their parents and can seem to have a normal adult conversation with them.
But mostly, I want to start by breaking this cycle for my own MH, without upsetting him in the process.
Anyone been in this sort of situation? How did you handle it?