Married in love with another man

vedareal · 2021-06-29T14:18:40+00:00

Hi I m married for 10 yrs. and I m in love with another man for past 8yrs has any one left there husband and has been happy with another man ? My OH is good man I feel awful but I feel I was never in love with him we where too young when we got married. I don't know what to do.

ELCSPlease · 29/06/2021 15:21

You need to see this as two separate situations - you're not guaranteed happiness with the other man either.

Walk away from your unhappy marriage, get yourself on your feet and happy in your own situation, and then consider pursuing something with the OM (obviously if he is not married or in a relationship at that time.)

Walking out of a marriage into a relationship is just asking for more complications.

minniemouseshouses · 29/06/2021 15:24

Completely agree with PP.

I have been in a similar situation. Sure, you might end up with the OM. But, if you want to leave and are sure about this - leave your marriage for yourself - you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t make you happy. If it’s meant to be with OM, it will happen. It has happened before. But for your own sake I would imagine it is difficult to live like this. Make a break, or forget the OM and work on the marriage. Good luck

Original poster

vedareal · 29/06/2021 17:10

@minniemouseshouses

Completely agree with PP.

I have been in a similar situation. Sure, you might end up with the OM. But, if you want to leave and are sure about this - leave your marriage for yourself - you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t make you happy. If it’s meant to be with OM, it will happen. It has happened before. But for your own sake I would imagine it is difficult to live like this. Make a break, or forget the OM and work on the marriage. Good luck

I don't know they r nice mans and I feel I have dig my own grave .. I m so not happy with my OH when I meet the other guy he helped me a lot and he has been waiting for me for past 7 yrs. On the other hand due to family pressure I stayed in my marriage but I was not in it. Now my OH is trying to improve and all but my heart is just not there .. I feel so awful about the whole situation. I'm 38 now not getting any younger I need to decided soon before it's too late.. but I m just doing into circles 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

vedareal · 29/06/2021 17:17

@minniemouseshouses

Completely agree with PP.

I have been in a similar situation. Sure, you might end up with the OM. But, if you want to leave and are sure about this - leave your marriage for yourself - you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t make you happy. If it’s meant to be with OM, it will happen. It has happened before. But for your own sake I would imagine it is difficult to live like this. Make a break, or forget the OM and work on the marriage. Good luck

I don't know if I can do that .. I'm 38 I don't want to end up alone .. with no house, no family & no kids .. Although I know u r right. I'm being selfish but it's my life how I cannot think about myself for once .. I wish I would have taken this step when I was in my late 20's and not listing to what everyone else was saying or what others will think .. I have destroyed my life 😣

OP posts:

Original poster

vedareal · 29/06/2021 17:23

@ELCSPlease

You need to see this as two separate situations - you're not guaranteed happiness with the other man either.

Walk away from your unhappy marriage, get yourself on your feet and happy in your own situation, and then consider pursuing something with the OM (obviously if he is not married or in a relationship at that time.)

Walking out of a marriage into a relationship is just asking for more complications.

I don't know if I can do that .. I'm 38 I don't want to end up alone .. with no house, no family & no kids .. Although I know u r right. I'm being selfish but it's my life how I cannot think about myself for once .. I wish I would have taken this step when I was in my late 20's and not listing to what everyone else was saying or what others will think .. I have destroyed my life 😣

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minniemouseshouses · 29/06/2021 17:28

@vedareal Listen to me. You have NOT ruined your life. Your life is now. It’s yours to control and ultimately the choice you make will have both negative and positive consequences. I have been there and I decided to leave (age 30) and I am very happy I did, although it’s been rough (still very new). You should also consider your OH and that he also deserves to be with someone who loves him and isn’t emotionally detached. 38 is no age - go live your life and build the future you want - do a training course, save money.

Original poster

vedareal · 29/06/2021 17:36

[quote minniemouseshouses]@vedareal Listen to me. You have NOT ruined your life. Your life is now. It’s yours to control and ultimately the choice you make will have both negative and positive consequences. I have been there and I decided to leave (age 30) and I am very happy I did, although it’s been rough (still very new). You should also consider your OH and that he also deserves to be with someone who loves him and isn’t emotionally detached. 38 is no age - go live your life and build the future you want - do a training course, save money. [/quote]
I'm going to break his heart and that breaks me I have been so confused I did mention to both of them I don't deserve this u guys are wasting ur life and time on me .. but they have been just waiting in hope I will be choosing and on the other side I m trying to get my mental state right I have been in depression and now recovering from it. Now after 2 yrs fighting with my depression I feel I can think now and do what is right.. I hope I can do that it kills me thinking I m doing to break someone's heart.. dying seems more easy then that...

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LostThings · 29/06/2021 17:42

Dying wouldn't be easier OP, I hope you don't mean that. You need to do what's best for you. In the nicest possible way, whichever one you leave will get over it and move on with their lives too.

minniemouseshouses · 29/06/2021 17:47

Exactly as PP put. Life is full of tough decisions. It’s time you make one. Same as we all have to do from time to time. Seeing as the men are already aware of this situation, at least it won’t come as a shock. Seek support from friends and family.

Original poster

vedareal · 29/06/2021 17:59

@minniemouseshouses

Exactly as PP put. Life is full of tough decisions. It’s time you make one. Same as we all have to do from time to time. Seeing as the men are already aware of this situation, at least it won’t come as a shock. Seek support from friends and family.

Yes I have been going to my mom she is v supportive don't want to trouble her and stress her off she is getting old I cannot make her feel sad and worried while we r living in two separate countries.. thanks for ur advise.

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Original poster

vedareal · 29/06/2021 18:00

@minniemouseshouses

Exactly as PP put. Life is full of tough decisions. It’s time you make one. Same as we all have to do from time to time. Seeing as the men are already aware of this situation, at least it won’t come as a shock. Seek support from friends and family.

Much appreciated 🙏🏽

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Muddlebubble · 29/06/2021 18:27

My honest opinion, I've been there married 29 years. Had a male best friend for 16 years, turned into an affair for last 4 years, my god he was everything i thought i wanted, he woukd drop everything for me, be there for me, talk to me, he was my best friend for so long we got on so well. I pushed my husband out because of cause we were "soul mates" he said how much he loved me, never loved his wife, poor man suffered with guilt we supported each other through it all, call, text all day everyday, sounds almost perfect if we weren't both married to someone else. But of course this wasn't a seedy affair like you hear about, we loved each other for so so long, decided to leave our partners i did first, and guess what? He ran, he moved him self and wife 6hrs away during the night to stay with family and never came back.
I lost a man who i pushed away but a really good husband, i lost the respect from my children and my family, and now alone and pathetic, which to be honest u actually deserve.

If i had just looked at what u already had instead of chasing something i thought i wanted, if i wasn't so selfish .
If i could go back now and put all that effort in to my husband like i was before then i would be still happy, unfortunately it took alllll this to see that, all this hurt on both families because i wanted something that i shouldn't.

Ask yourself are you feeling like this towards your husband because this man is taking all your focus? Do not run in head first as it rarely works out

Muddlebubble · 29/06/2021 18:28

Sorry for spelling mistakes. And married for 20 years not 29

changesoul · 29/06/2021 19:36

@Muddlebubble

My honest opinion, I've been there married 29 years. Had a male best friend for 16 years, turned into an affair for last 4 years, my god he was everything i thought i wanted, he woukd drop everything for me, be there for me, talk to me, he was my best friend for so long we got on so well. I pushed my husband out because of cause we were "soul mates" he said how much he loved me, never loved his wife, poor man suffered with guilt we supported each other through it all, call, text all day everyday, sounds almost perfect if we weren't both married to someone else. But of course this wasn't a seedy affair like you hear about, we loved each other for so so long, decided to leave our partners i did first, and guess what? He ran, he moved him self and wife 6hrs away during the night to stay with family and never came back. I lost a man who i pushed away but a really good husband, i lost the respect from my children and my family, and now alone and pathetic, which to be honest u actually deserve.

If i had just looked at what u already had instead of chasing something i thought i wanted, if i wasn't so selfish .
If i could go back now and put all that effort in to my husband like i was before then i would be still happy, unfortunately it took alllll this to see that, all this hurt on both families because i wanted something that i shouldn't.

Ask yourself are you feeling like this towards your husband because this man is taking all your focus? Do not run in head first as it rarely works out

Thank you for ur honest response. My OH is nice man but he is very controlling. I have not been honest with him for long time the truth is I should not have married him but I was too young. I never loved him but he is good man in taking care of me etc .. I don't have kids. The OP is single I meet him when I was 28 he was 27 and it's been 8 yrs I have known him. U r right u never know what other ppl intensions are and I know somehow now I m feeling I have been selfish but I did mention to my OH when there where not going gr8 between me and him but he never took me seriously UNTILL the OP game in picture. What u mention that's what I m scared off.

TacCat49 · 29/06/2021 21:16

Is that you Gina?

changesoul · 29/06/2021 21:35

@TacCat49

Is that you Gina?

No it's not Gina but there is someone else too who is in same situation... 😓

Muddlebubble · 30/06/2021 08:40

I feel for you OP i really do, it's awful when your head is all over the place.
I used to read all the threads on here as never had the guts to actually post, having an affair is never black and white tho, in my case i was obviously craving something he had to offer and the determination he had knowing this, don't get me wrong tho he was the nicest man, kind sweet, patient with me, like i said my best friend, i let myself believe it all, get swept away with it, he was saying all the right things all the things i needed to here, he supplied the love, comfort and understanding at a time when i needed it. But he left, and although at the time it broke me i can now see it was the best thing for me, he actually did me a huge favour.
You need time away from both men, if you don't love your oh then have some time away, dont rush into anything, see how you feel being away from both of them, no messaging nothing.
Also the one thing i didn't do was picture my life alone, to me it was with DH or other man, being alone scared the life out of me, but it's not scarey at all.

changesoul · 30/06/2021 09:10

@Muddlebubble

I feel for you OP i really do, it's awful when your head is all over the place. I used to read all the threads on here as never had the guts to actually post, having an affair is never black and white tho, in my case i was obviously craving something he had to offer and the determination he had knowing this, don't get me wrong tho he was the nicest man, kind sweet, patient with me, like i said my best friend, i let myself believe it all, get swept away with it, he was saying all the right things all the things i needed to here, he supplied the love, comfort and understanding at a time when i needed it. But he left, and although at the time it broke me i can now see it was the best thing for me, he actually did me a huge favour. You need time away from both men, if you don't love your oh then have some time away, dont rush into anything, see how you feel being away from both of them, no messaging nothing. Also the one thing i didn't do was picture my life alone, to me it was with DH or other man, being alone scared the life out of me, but it's not scarey at all.

I know what u mean .. I cannot imagine alone too it's either him or OH. I'm so confused. The Other person is good he fought with his family for me. Change jobs for me, houses for me , he don't do any savings but make sure I save all my money etc .. my OH is nice man but we had loads for issues due to his controlling nature but not to extreme kind of abused. Sometimes I feel I miss the friendship I have with the other guy and not my husband. I got no family where I m living there r living in different country and it's been difficult no family no friends. I still remember the day v clearly when I was kind of begging my husband that I'm not happy and he did not care & when he realised it was too late

Thewookiemustgo · 30/06/2021 09:29

@Muddlebubble Fantastic post for anyone involved on any side of infidelity. Very generous of you to share here.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I think you’re very brave to post your story on here. My husband had an affair and is equally devastated and can’t get his head round who he was back then. Nobody escapes the pain in an affair situation and mentally doling out who deserves what to happen to them muddies the waters. It stops everyone moving on and learning from what is a horrendous experience for all involved.
You’ve obviously accepted responsibility, your remorse is heartbreaking to read. Time to forgive yourself now and just give all you can to those you love. You’ll get loads back in return. Love isn’t always everything but it really is a healer.
I hope you find a way forward for yourself in the future. Take care X

Onthedunes · 30/06/2021 10:03

@Muddlebubble I also think you have been extremely brave posting your own particular situation which didn't end well.

Op, you havn't ruined your ife, you have just made this affair the centre of your world. You have given yourself too many choices, we all make choices but choose what those choices are about, for instance most women place their choices with children, jobs, hobbies anything really.

You are placing too much onus on this affair, it has over taken over everything else and you are right you to need to make a decision.

Is your husband older than you? Is he financially secure, whereas the OM is not, you say you are saving money and the OM cannot as he has life expenses. So you are basically staying for the financial security.

You also state your husband knows about the affair and has stepped up his game upon finding out about the OM, they sound as though they are battling for you.

Be careful, this situation puts you at an advantage at the moment but like @Muddlebubble, you could end up with nothing.

I personally would leave and be on your own and decide from there but I think you will not, you fear losing either of them, the financial security of your husband and the emotional security of the OM.

Hard choice you have given yourself. One day this choice may not be there for you to take, your husband may grow weary of it and find someone else to lavish his financial security on and the OM may grow weary of your emotional love.

Which one would you miss the most if the decision was out of your hands?

Muddlebubble · 30/06/2021 12:10

Thank you so much, you are all too kind, i don't deserve it.

I learnt the hard way and i know no matter what happens in the future i will never ever do this again, that feeling you feel when you are on a high with OM is not permanent and will never be worth hurting everybody else for.

Op from what you have posted with your partner, if this is exactly how you feel and is actions you need to leave, but if like me you told your self all this to justify what you are doing then look at it all for exactly what it is.

changesoul · 30/06/2021 14:03

[quote Onthedunes]**@Muddlebubble I also think you have been extremely brave posting your own particular situation which didn't end well.

Op, you havn't ruined your ife, you have just made this affair the centre of your world. You have given yourself too many choices, we all make choices but choose what those choices are about, for instance most women place their choices with children, jobs, hobbies anything really.

You are placing too much onus on this affair, it has over taken over everything else and you are right you to need to make a decision.

Is your husband older than you? Is he financially secure, whereas the OM is not, you say you are saving money and the OM cannot as he has life expenses. So you are basically staying for the financial security.

You also state your husband knows about the affair and has stepped up his game upon finding out about the OM, they sound as though they are battling for you.

Be careful, this situation puts you at an advantage at the moment but like @Muddlebubble, you could end up with nothing.

I personally would leave and be on your own and decide from there but I think you will not, you fear losing either of them, the financial security of your husband and the emotional security of the OM.

Hard choice you have given yourself. One day this choice may not be there for you to take, your husband may grow weary of it and find someone else to lavish his financial security on and the OM may grow weary of your emotional love.

Which one would you miss the most if the decision was out of your hands?[/quote]
I know I have dig my own grave I can see now v clearly due to this mess which I never thought has put me in depression coz I was so tired of my husband when I was struggling and his family I wish I little bit wiser and would not have done this . Wasted so many years and now I'm 38 they are 37,38 and I feel I have mess there life's .. and that's kills me every time .. having sleepless nights and anxiety is on another level .. took off from my work coz I was so messed up inside ... but not anymore I know I have to get out be brave and be honest most of alll....

1st I need to do the right thing is to think of I can live with my OH if answer is yes then I have to tell no to OP so he can start his life.

And that's all it's going to break ppls heart but I m sure they will be better off once there is any clarity from my end.

changesoul · 30/06/2021 14:38