If you are NC with a family member, do they respect your wishes?

[NCissues]

Hi,

Just that. I don't want to give too many details, as it's quite outing, but let's just say that mine doesn't.

No abusive or threatening behaviour exactly (now) and very rare physical uninvited/unexpected visits, but the not so occasional text, card etc. Just enough to keep me from moving on completely. Just enough to keep me a little messed up.

I know I could involve the police if they kept turning up at my house, but I can't for an unwanted birthday card!

To be clear, this person is completely toxic for me - for anyone actually and I have 100% made my mind up that I don't want them in my life. This isn't new. This has been almost 10 years now.

Is there anyone who can relate? Anyone with any advice?

Thank you.

Do they know you have gone No Contact? I have a son who contacts me only sporadically, I don’t think he’s gone NC with me but maybe he thinks he has. He does ask me for money or other practical help from time to time. I send him odd cards, small presents & text photos from time to time with no requests for information or contact, my goal is to let him know we respect his space but are always there for him if he needs us.

@BigGreenOlives, they absolutely know this is my wish. They occasionally act as though it's the first they've heard.

If this person was the type to respect your wishes then you probably wouldn't have needed to go NC. So I don't think there's anything that you can say or do that will make them suddenly understand.

Try to think of them less personally, as though they are weeds in your garden. Sure it would be great if you could take out all the weeds and then there would never be any more, but that's not the nature of weeds. So you just keep on top of it, when the weeds find a way in you get rid of them. So block texts, return cards to sender or throw them away unopened, do whatever enables you to put them out of your mind.

Not initially no but I made it very clear repeatedly until they got the message.

I had to block on phone, all sm, email and I moved address which stopped the postal side (that's not why I moved) and I also made it clear to any others who could potentially give her my info that were they to do so it would impact and potentially end my relationship with them also. This was not an automatic thing I did with them but if they kept on at me to try and get me to reinstate contact or to not be "so harsh"

You have to be really clear, and really assertive

I still have to remind certain people on occasion not to give them my info or any personal info about me.

Lack of reaction is often better than feeding the narcissism tbh so binning an unwanted card without comment rather than reacting to it in a way they may know or get to know about it. Withhold the fuel from their fire

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar, I wish I could, but they're a very close family member and I so every time I hear from them, it's so hard to not be instantly transported back to a place I don't ever want to be reminded of. You're right though. They are the most self absorbed, narcissistic and manipulative person I have ever known, so why would they listen to my wishes?

@Graphista, we have moved several times over the past decade and each time my cover is blown. One time completely unintentional and the person was very sorry. Another was another close, almost equally toxic family member, who did it out of spite when I wouldn't play their games.

I’m NC with a sibling. They send me a birthday card and a Christmas card every year. I know it’s done for two reasons- firstly to annoy me and secondly so that they can say “well I always sent Sammy cards, she is the one not talking to me” etc, and claim what she thinks is the moral high ground. What I do with the cards is that I consider them sent with bad grace and I chuck them in the bin straightaway, I don’t even open them now, just rip down the middle and bin.

Yes I'm nc with my mother but she still tries to interfere via my father. I just continue to tell him that I'm not interested in her opinion and I don't wish to hear any more. Giving "advice" about what I should do 🙄🙄 I know she is just trying to provoke a reaction though , so I don't give it to her.

My sibling knows I am no contact with them, haven’t spoken in a year, but she still sends my kids Xmas presents and birthday (which I don’t give them) and turned up once randomly and knocked on my door but I didn’t answer