I just can't do the false bonhomie with someone I really dislike.

[TrojaninTroy]

Does anyone else share this character trait with me? It makes me feel so shit. I know my reaction is probably personal to me rather than the actual behaviour of the other person. This time it's my son's teacher whose behaviour towards him has I believe has come very close to crossing a line on several occasions over the last year. I don't want to go too much into that because my post is more about my own character trait but suffice it to say that I trust my son and I do believe what he has told me. I have brought some of these up with the teacher (we have to email in). I've tried to be neutral in my emails, and it's enough to stop/change what has been happening. But then a few weeks later something else happens which seems really unacceptable.

In the normal course of events I would just give his teacher a wide road but with the school's COVID practices in place we drop the children off/pick up from the car each day and either the teacher or TA opens the door. So impossible to avoid the teacher for much of the time.

I wouldn't actively set out to be rude to her and am civil if she has something to say. I usually like to be friendly to school staff especially if they are actively involved with my own child. But I just can't bring myself to do the cheery 'How are you today ... have a good evening' that usually goes on. I think she did tentatively wave at me a couple of times a few weeks back, but I didn't want to get into that. I still don't. And with the end of term fast approaching, I can see us just driving off on the last day without even wishing her a good holiday. It would feel hypocritical to do so, but at the same time mean.

I haven't much discussed this with any of the other parents, although from the brief conversations I have had with a couple of them, she is perceived of as very harsh at times.

I know that to virtually blank someone I dislike is my character trait and also my choice so more about me than about them. I just don't see another alternative whilst remaining true to myself.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Is there a way to feel more positive about it, or do you just try to squash it down and behave as though all's fine and dandy.

Just read the thread title - same. And I see no issue with it.

I’m exactly the same-I wear my heart on my sleeve, whether that be positive or negative

Seems fine to me. I do it too. I can also cut people off if they cross a line. It’s called having boundaries, and it’s to be encouraged.

Sorry, the bit about the car drop off/pick up distracted me! Like a drive through? I don't get it!

Anyway, I find it hard to stick around people I don't like. I think most people with any self respect do. People are more annoying this year too

Sorry but I disagree. Sometimes u have to suck it up for the greater good. I can't stand my ex but for the sake of my son, I play nice, smile and have a conversation. I don't like someone I work with, I am civil and friendly and buy flowers when her mum died. I think my 'sacrifice' helps make life a little easier for those around me, and that's more important than me having a grump.

It's absolutely fine to be this way.

One of the most important life lessons I've learned is that it's okay not to be overly friendly and familiar with everyone. Cool, politeness is absolutely fine and all you owe somebody. If you don't feel comfortable putting on a cheery manner with somebody then don't.

Women are socialised to be friendly to everyone, even in situations where it's not deserved or we feel uncomfortable. It sounds like your instincts are to go against that, which is fantastic. You're in touch with your own boundaries.

For what it's worth I feel the same, when I'm not around the person, I feel like it demeans me to be super friendly and welcoming when I actually can't stand them. But then when I'm actually around them I find myself slipping into it anyway! If you can avoid doing so then that's a good thing in my book.

Yes OP, also totally agree with @WeatherSystems. Women are conditioned to have poor boundaries and it does us a disservice. I too wear my heart in my sleeve and I simply cannot play act being nice to someone who has been mean to me or to my family or friends. And that is no bad thing. It is called integrity.

Absolutely fine to be that way.
You don't like her.
You don't think she is particularly kind to your child.
You sound fine to me.

@baileys6904

Sorry but I disagree. Sometimes u have to suck it up for the greater good. I can't stand my ex but for the sake of my son, I play nice, smile and have a conversation. I don't like someone I work with, I am civil and friendly and buy flowers when her mum died. I think my 'sacrifice' helps make life a little easier for those around me, and that's more important than me having a grump.

You can be civil without being overly nice. In OPs situation, a smile and a brief 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' would suffice.

In your examples, the same with the ex would be sufficient. As for your colleague, a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss' is enough.

There are people who I would quite happily wish a slow and painful death upon, and the fact that I haven't facilitated it is being polite enough thank you very much.

I don't see this as she kind of flaw on a personality trait. Why do you feel like that?

If this person isn't nice or kind to your child, why are you going to be friendly to them? It makes no sense so how you want to heave is natural. 🤷

@ihavethesamedress. Actually it makes a massive difference to my son, who can have 2 parents in the same room together for a time without causing an atmosphere.
It also makes a difference to my Co worker who I can't stand, don't agree with her values but she doesn't need animosity at the time I her life.
It makes the world a little bit morebearable in general

You don’t have to gush or spend more than 3 seconds nodding politely to someone but blanking someone who may have no idea what they’ve done wrong just makes the world that bit more unpleasant for everyone.
But some people get off on that I think. Makes them feel superior.

[quote baileys6904]@ihavethesamedress. Actually it makes a massive difference to my son, who can have 2 parents in the same room together for a time without causing an atmosphere.
It also makes a difference to my Co worker who I can't stand, don't agree with her values but she doesn't need animosity at the time I her life.
It makes the world a little bit morebearable in general[/quote]
I think most people would agree it's a bit different when there are children involved.

The coworker example though, @Ihavethesamedress simply said As for your colleague, a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss' is enough..

Saying 'I'm sorry for your loss' compared to giving flowers isn't animosity.

I actually think you're fine!
I've had it the other way round where someone was lovely, bright and cheery to me when actually had a massive issue with me.
Now I know that I think she's two faced and I'd always prefer to know someone doesn't like me! Or at least know they think I'm a casual acquaintance rather than a person they actually like.

I'm exactly the same, I feel internally embarassed at my hypocrisy although no one else would know. I sometimes wish I could turn it on, as I have noticed life is a bit easier for those who can. On the whole, however, if I'm unable to strike the perfect balance between fake bonhomie and blunt honesty, I'd rather err on the side of honesty.

Me neither, but my face says it for me.

Thank you everyone for your words of support. That does make me feel better. FWIW I have seen a number of counsellors over the years and all of them have identified me as a harsh self-critic.

@baileys6904 I see where you are coming from and in the situation you mention with a co-worker yes, of course, everyone would deserve a bit of compassion, and it wouldn't be beyond me to offer it.

I am the opposite and will be nice to people even when they have been horrible. I’ve had to work on it. I think when it comes to some situations you need to be congruent. I think the teacher needs to know it’s not ok and you won’t put up with it. We had a similar situation with a teacher that reduced little children to quivering, bed wetting messes. Awful woman. I had to force myself to nit smile and placate and channel my inner tiger. It worked. She took me seriously and changed. Bully at work I took too long to do it and she got away with all sorts. Wish I’d stood up for myself sooner.

Pros and cons. No right or wrongs. We all need to find our own balance I guess?

I think it's unfair to pretend to like someone you don't. That doesn't mean you should be rude or provocative... but you shouldn't be two faced.

Imo the minimum baseline of any civilised human is to be neutral and polite to those with whom we have to have non-chosen interactions.
If you are not someone I like but I must do business with you (like your situation op) I will extend polite courtesy but no more.
With people I like I'm utterly charming and friendly.
So pretty much same as you op, carry on as you are.
There are times when it is in everyone's interests to oil the wheels if you have to be in someone's company you don't like, such as at social gatherings or the workplace. But this doesn't need to be more than transactional if you're confident of your assessment.

A head nod to acknowledge their presence but blanking someone is impolite. Ex tries to start a conversation but I stare to let him know that me acknowledging his existence is as far as I choose to go.