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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused and saddened - or am I crazy?

13 replies

namechanged9999 · 28/06/2021 22:20

I have been seeing a guy I met on OLD for 3 months. I'm getting divorced (he knows this) and have 1 DD (he knows this). We are both 31.

He's never been married and never even lived with a woman.

We really like each other, we are exclusive, we meet twice a week and enjoy spending time together. We talk a lot. Things have developed quickly.

We both have stressful lives - he has issues with work and me with my divorce. We are going abroad to a wedding in august. We do weekend trips.

He talks about meeting my family and my DD, about the future, but he's not from England and whenever he's a bit sad he always says he will move back to his home country in mainland Europe. This hurts and saddens and confuses me. What does he want? Why is he so up and down and moody and making these statements when he also sees a future?

He knows I can't move to his home country not least bc DD's dad won't let me take her away. Should I address this or is 3 months too soon and am I expecting too much? I'm afraid he will laugh at me for even thinking he would sacrifice not moving back for someone he's known 3 months.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 28/06/2021 22:33

Too soon. Does he have permission to stay in the U.K?

Original poster
namechanged9999 · 28/06/2021 22:34

@Knittedfairies yes.

OP posts:
Pinkicecream · 28/06/2021 22:48

You know what. I would address this. As in, are his plans to stay in this country or is he leaning towards going back as he has mentioned it several times now? If the latter, he needs to be straightforward with you and if he is just saying it reactively whenever he's in a strop he needs to know that it affects you as a potential serious partner. Let him know you're not messing around.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 28/06/2021 22:50

3 months!???
Too much too soon. All of it.

Zerrin13 · 29/06/2021 08:30

I would think very carefully about wanting to move this relationship on to a more serious level. I speak from experience. My husband moved here from his own country 18 years ago and has always been homesick. It waxes and wains but never really leaves him. Not being able to just go back when he normally would has made it much worse. Also his father was diagnosed with an illness recently that unfortunately can't be cured and this plays on my husbands mind alot. I know his homesickness will never go away. He has always said he will return to his home country when our children are independent.
It isn't easy OP. I wouldn't recommend it.
Cultural differences can be very frustrating too. You only have to read the threads on here from women who have moved abroad
and miss their homeland every single day.
They describe it as a sadness and a feeling of incompleteness. I would not rush into anything with this man. Things could get very complicated if you do.

Itsstartingtorainout · 29/06/2021 08:36

It’s too soon for him to be dumping this on you. Okay he might have mentioned it once, but it sounds like it’s a common thing. It’s supposed to be a new relationship, you’re supposed to be besotted with each other, and the fact that he makes these comments would indicate that he is not. I’d be wondering about his motives to be honest.

iwouldlikearefundonmybody · 29/06/2021 18:44

Mmm alarm bells ringing. I would take things a bit slower.

Original poster
namechanged9999 · 30/06/2021 00:40

@iwouldlikearefundonmybody can you explain pls

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 30/06/2021 00:45

Too much too soon. I would walk away from this if I had a child to consider. Who needs pressure like this? If he loves you why would he pressurise you ?

spotcheck · 30/06/2021 00:53

Why is he always sad?
How long has he been away?

I think it is ok to ask if he plans on staying in the country/ how long he will be in the country.
That's a pretty basic level of information 😂

iwouldlikearefundonmybody · 30/06/2021 22:57

@namechanged9999

I think you need to make sure he isn't using you. You hear stories of people being scammed and you think your in love and they are after your money.

Lizgal · 01/07/2021 08:17

Sounds like he is confused and maybe a bit insecure. If he tells you anything to suggest a future and then talks about moving away, there is something not right about that and any logical person would see and rightfully question. You shouldn’t have to spend time wondering if there is a future if that is important to you. Be upfront and if he can’t handle that then maybe you will be dodging a bullet.

FlowerArranger · 01/07/2021 08:34

Given how often he has mentioned moving back, he clearly isn't happy here. If you stay with him you are potentially setting yourself for serious heartbreak.

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