I’m really down about my behaviour in relationships. I’m over 30 now so feel desperate to get over whatever this is. I’ve had loads of therapy but nothing changes really.
I can be loving, caring, endlessly patient, understanding, etc. I know all this and I’m proud of these traits. Yet there’s another side to me that completely ruins all of those qualities. I am utterly terrified of being abandoned. I don’t know why I am like this?
It’s not just my partner leaving me. I’ve had break ups and know deep down I would be fine on my own. Spent many years single. But it’s little things that make me wonder IF he will leave me. Just this morning he said he might have to ‘rain check’ our plans for Thursday as work is getting busy. I know this is a genuine reason. I know this in my head. In my chest I felt this instant panic, sick feeling, not of being alone on Thursday night (I could make other plans or just watch tv and chat to friends!!), but of him abandoning the relationship. I feel like it’s a sign he’s not interested. I go further than this sometimes and I second guess him. This has led him to say sometimes that I always assume the worst in him. That broke my heart as I really don’t see the worst in him, he is a very decent man.
I am so unhappy living like this. Even down to a goodnight text, on bad days I will read into number of kisses and suddenly decide he’s not into us anymore. I never respond like this directly but I will get upset and distant and try and cause an argument to hear him say ‘I want to be with you.’
It’s exhausting. I haven’t told him this in full but he does know I get anxious. I just don’t know how to handle my emotions. I’ve never worried anyone was cheating on me, never checked their phone or stopped someone seeing friends or going to stag dos etc. Ok weirdly relaxed about the typical things people seem to be on edge about. But any form of sense of abandonment and I feel physically sick and scared.
Just looking for some help really. I want to change so much but it is so hard :( already today I am panicking he’s going off us after what he said this morning.