No intimacy in marriage.

[Rhi131]

Weve been married 10 years together over 15. My husband is great, he is supportive and kind and we have a lovely home.

We have no intimate relationship. Its all down to me not him. I just dont feel that way about him anymore. I feel so guilty for feeling this way as hes great and i hate hurting his feelings.

I dont know what to do. Do i carry on with no intimacy at all or do i throw away a good person and home? Its really affecting me and im just so unhappy.

What changed?

Has he always been like this or did he change over the years?

No it hasnt always been like this. Theres no event or anything that has made a change. Its completly my feelings not his.

Any chance counselling would help?

How old are you OP? Sometimes hormones can play a part in low libido as can depression or stress. Are you healthy? Has he said anything about no intimacy? Some couples are perfectly happy and ok with no intimacy and they carry on in successful relationships.

If you don’t want to have sex with your husband, that’s your choice and that’s fine, but you need to tell him, and let him decide how he wants to proceed, maybe he will be okay, maybe not

There are plenty of threads on this forum from females in sexless relationships not of their choice, just take a read and look at their feelings

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4278092-another-sexless-marriage-one

Im 35. We have spoken and i dont think either of us would be happy if we never had intimacy in a relationship again. Im so upset i feel this way but i cant see how to change my feelings.

Can I suggest you go and talk to a professional about this? You might be able to unravel your feelings or lack of feelings, it could help. Alternatively, it might just be your relationship has come to a natural end for you. Its common and happens to many people. You see him as a friend now and not an intimate partner. Thats ok if that is what has happened but you need to tell your husband so he can make choices for his own future.

Are you on hormone contraception? That can kill labido.

I am on the contraceptive pill yes but have been since i was 16 so dont think thats the issue. Yes he is my best friend but thats all i see him as its just deciding if thats enough i guess.

You need to give him some agency in this too though, he deserves to know that you only see him as your best friend so he can decide 'if that's enough' for him too.

I would be so sad to think my partner only saw me as a best friend and would want to split so I had the opportunity to meet someone who also wanted a physical relationship and intimacy with me too.

It would be really cruel to stay with him but keep him in the dark as he could hold on hoping things will change while you know you just aren't attracted to him.

He does know I have expressed my feelings to him. I think he just hopes itl change.

I am on the contraceptive pill yes but have been since i was 16 so dont think thats the issue.

The pill could 100%, absolutely be the issue. You aren't 16 anymore, and your body's unlying hormonal balance has been changing dramatically. Your lack of sex drive could definitely be because of your pill.

I agree. I'd want to come off the pill before making any major decisions.

Ill look into the pill maybe talk with the doctor. The reason i think maybe its not that is because i do want intimacy in a relationship i just dont feel it with him. I feel horrible for saying that.

@Rhi131

He does know I have expressed my feelings to him. I think he just hopes itl change.

That's what I mean though, if you know it's really unlikely that will change or you know in your heart of hearts that it won't - you need to tell him that straight so that he can make an informed decision.

Thankyou all for your comments. Lots of difficult conversations to be had I feel.

Check out Ester Perel on YouTube, mating in captivity. You need to create some distance. And coming off the pill is a good idea.