If someone always imputes bad motivations behind anything and everything......

[coronabeer]

... then they don't much like the person they're talking of, do they?

For example, if someone always assumes you must the one be in the wrong where there is any disagreement with anyone, without even getting further details beyond the fact that there was a disagreement itself - surely that is a sign that that person dislikes you?

Or they assume the worst possible motives for any mistakes when you make them, but excuse that exact same behaviour in themselves and others - again, isn't that a sign that they don't much like you?

When wicked motivation is attributed to everything you do, how can you do anything right? When I try to be kind, I'm accused of trying to make someone else look bad. I am expected to listen to a litany of my faults without complaint including the criticisms other people have apparently made of me. I have a step-family on my mum's side but, according to her, none of them much like me. Nevertheless, I am accused of being the one who "has a problem" with them even though as far as I'm concerned I have never really had much of an issue with any of them. They're just there and I barely know them. I've certainly never had any arguments or disagreements with any of them - in fact, I rarely see or hear from them. I would imagine they view me as neutrally as I view them, but who's to say?

I think I know the answer to this, but it's still hurtful when the someone doing this is your mother. It seems like I'm always in the wrong as far as she's concerned - she has even taken stbxh's side in our divorce, never even bothering to ask me why I'm divorcing him. She chats with him, visits him and I get nothing. (He wasn't that keen on her visits when we were married!)

I have no other living relatives other than my children and it's really hard at times. I would like to try to patch things up with her and she says she wants to.. and then yet more criticism and nastiness is aimed my way. I wouldn't even mind so much if she listened to both sides and then decided I was wrong - seemingly she doesn't need to listen to any side to know that I am always in the wrong. She says she loves me, but she doesn't even like me, does she?

Where are your boundaries at here with regards to your mother?. They are far too low and she is treating you really badly. Lessen all forms of contact with her going forward because seeing her at all is not doing you any favours.

My guess too is that she has always been like this towards you as well.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, likely not and your mother is no different. She is not at all interested in patching things up with you and does not want to; she has made you the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. What if anything do you know about her own childhood; that often gives clues. Regardless as to why she is like this its not your fault she is the ways she is and you do not have to tolerate it. You can walk away and further reduce contact.

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point. It may well be worth seeing a therapist too.

Your heart lies with your mum for mother love but the fact is that your mum's heart lies with putting everything that she feels bad about, onto you.

There seems to be a lot of hate, negativity and perhaps even enjoyment in hurting others in your mum. You, as her daughter, were/are the nearest and least able to defend themselves person. Children, even adult children, are programmed from birth to love their parents and it makes them the easiest target.

Also children who do not receive enough unconditional love when small are terribly vulnerable to someone who acts so attackingly. Just like a puppy will come back to the person who kicks it, hoping desperately over and over for affection even in the face of the evidence that they'll only get another kick. The impulse to elicit affection, love and respect is that strong.

It is not your fault at all; your mother is a separate person from you and has put her issues directly onto you. Unfortunately it -is- your problem because you have to deal with the pain she inflicts. In visiting your ex, she's actively trying to hurt you more. Love? this isn't love. Love is in actions, not in words.

The best solution is to walk away permanently but things often aren't that easy either practically, or emotionally.

Have you considered therapy? it isn't for everyone, but if it works at all for you it can really, really help you find a clearer life and head.

Thanks @Attilathemeercat and @ljsbear

I would quite like to see a therapist about all of this but unfortunately funds don't allow at the moment. I have a thing where my mum says she wants to be closer and that she loves me and then in almost the same sentence says something which, at best, suggests that she has a very low opinion of me. And she's quite old, not getting any younger so I feel guilty about not spending much time with her and worry that she'll die before we can patch things up.

A trivial example of the kind of thing she'll do/say: if she forgets a birthday card for someone it is because she is too busy and/or has other problems in her life. If I forget a birthday card then that is a deliberate attempt to hurt and upset someone and proof of what a thoughtless and selfish person I am.

A more serious (actual example): she found out (years ago) that I was no longer in contact with a male friend from uni. She decided that was proof that I cannot keep friends and am not a nice person. It's true that the friend appeared a pleasant, affable person who seemed easy to get on with. What my mum didn't know was that the reason we had "lost touch" was because he sexually assaulted me - she just assumed I must be the one in the wrong and that was enough for her. She still tells me what a great guy this person was.
If I ever told her the truth I don't doubt she would accuse me of lying and attention-seeking.

I am just trying to decide what to do. She can be kind and generous at times. My brother died a couple of years ago and I know that was hard for her. At the root of everything is a feeling I cannot shake, that she doesn't much like me. And if your mother doesn't like you, the who will?

.............. I feel guilty about not spending much time with her and worry that she'll die before we can patch things up.

I'm afraid that patching things up is not only due to you, corona. It takes two to have a healthy relationship, with a good attitude on both sides.

I'm sorry. Realising that your parent is actually, really not very nice and nothing you can do will earn their approval is heartbreaking.

Gosh sounds like the awful woman I work with at the moment. Pure projection from her.