Apologies for the long post, I think mainly I just needed to clear my head a bit with a rant.
Myself and ex separated a few months ago. We are still living together (just waiting for sale to complete) and share a business together. Realistically Covid got in the way of an earlier separation but I'm still pretty upset by it as we had been getting on much better and had even discussed buying another business leading up to the separation.
A little bit of history:
- She keeps telling me things and giving me unsolicited advice about stuff that makes it look like she cares what happens to me but then I find out she's told other people the exact opposite. My friends (male & female) say is just her trying to control me e.g. don't go for that house / job etc. Usually it's with little caveats like 'you won't be able to see the kids'. She tried to get me to buy a house next door to a load of druggies so she could stay in our home.
- Wants me to move out now and says that a proper man would do, and what man wants to stay with his ex etc. But after Covid I don't have much money although she does and could afford to if she wanted to.
- Initially went and got herself a mortgage and planned to take both kids with her and claim UC and maintenance from me (no issue paying this btw). This was scuppered when our daughter stated she wanted to live with me. Of course I got blamed for that.
- Constantly undermining me (been going on for years but normally I gloss over it) with the kids, saying things like 'don't get in the car with your Dad, he'll run off with you' or 'your Dad will sell your stuff and keep all the money because he's greedy'. Actually she had a go at me for saying similar stuff but it turned out it was the kids misunderstanding things she had said herself!!!
- Has been bad mouthing me behind my back to people I know, and to people she doesn't even know very well, with one sided stuff that happened years ago (and I mean years like 5+, but portrayed as happening recently).
- Announced our separation to everyone we know without telling me, we discussed when we would say to people and set a date, only to find she'd effectively shouted it all over FaceBook weeks before.
- Had numerous one night stands over the last few years and a 6 month affair last year (yes during lockdown). I only found out because I know his neighbours well.
- I spent the last two weeks trying to get us both financially on our feet post house sale arranging mortgages etc (self-employed it's tough at the moment). I was stressed out of my mind at some points and had zero help from her because she doesn't do phone calls or financial stuff.
- Refusing to let me have copies of baby photos she has and other momentos because she collected them. We actually did it together, she just put them in box.
Now while most of it really hurts, stepping back I can understand it from a neutral point of view that it is what often happens when people separate. I was trying to hold it together and not go down the same route as she's taken. I've not told the kids or anyone else about the affair and I've tried my hardest not to be negative about her around the kids.
But now I think she's gone too far but I wonder if it is just a culmination of stuff and I'm actually over reacting:
Current situation:
- Both looking for jobs, me to supplement the business. She is starting a new business so needs something to get on her feet. This was her decision btw.
- We contract services out and last year before the separation she applied for a job with a company we are quite friendly with and we both do work for (me weekly, her once in a blue moon). This was in a different capacity to our normal work and she didn't get it. She knows I have always wanted to work for this company full-time but they don't have jobs come up very often. We even said at the time that the next time there is an opening there I would go for it and she said she wouldn't work for them anyway as she didn't get even get an interview.
- Just last week I was in there and asked if they had any work openings. Then on Friday she got a call asking if she wanted a job there and she's taken it.
- I'm really upset by this, firstly she knows I am there a lot so will see her all the time, and secondly that I really wanted to work there (now it's suddenly her ideal job as well!!). I'm also pretty pissed off with the company who have apparently heard my ex's tales of woe and taken them at face value.
Am I right to be pissed off? I honestly can't face seeing my smug acting ex every time I go and work there (I mean I thought it was an unwritten rule or something that you don't get a job at your ex's place of work). I don't even know if I can work with the company any more that'll take her side over mine and clearly don't want me working there more often. Just as a side note the previous job she didn't get wasn't quite as obvious and was on different days. I've explained how I feel to her but have just been told I'm being controlling, and I should let her live her life. I suppose I am being, but I feel like I've been pushed to this place now and am backed into a corner, without any way out.
Should I just back down, give up the job and effectively the business and look for something else? Hope the feelings of despair disappear with time, I'm sure they will at some point but the more I see her the worse it is at the moment? Has anyone else ever had an ex suddenly get a job where they work (how did you handle it)? I've also said that I won't help her with any more stuff and that if she is just going to look after her own well being then I'm going to do the same.