Sad anniversary, struggling

[liquifiedmoon]

I am in a long distance relationship, we have spent time living together but now apart due to COVID. We haven’t each other for almost a year. Last Friday was our anniversary and I very much wanted and needed to be in touch with my partner for this special day as I have recently been diagnosed with cancer and have a lot of money worries..my partner is not good at being in touch but I thought he would realise I need him on our anniversary. I sent him flowers and he sent me nothing, not even a message - this hurt me because he is a writer. He then chose to go and visit a female friend in London (an hour train journey from his home town) and spent the day with her and didn’t call me on our anniversary. This has left me heartbroken. He thinks I am overreacting, am I? I just desperately needed some love, especially on an anniversary. I am so sad.

Why haven’t you seen each other? Why doesn’t he visit you?

All sounds a bit rubbish and no you did not over react

Thank you for your reply. I live in Australia and he is in the UK..Australia has closed its international borders for over a year now. We used to se one another for months at a time, several times a year. He was here last year during the first lockdown for 6 months but had to go back to the UK for work.

I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis on top of money worries. Not seeing someone for a year is very difficult even for the most committed of relationships. I think you may need to focus on his actions. 1) He didn't contact you on your special day, 2) he chose to spend your special day with another woman 3) he didn't acknowledge your upset and told you that you were over reacting. Just read those points over and over again. With the world still on lockdown for the foreseeable future do you think this partnership can go anywhere?

Thank you litterbird, I know what you mean. The difficult part for me is that while he is becoming less and less in touch - he is also emphatically telling me how much he loves me, wants me and no one else, how much he is willing to wait for me…but then when anything happens, or even if I just want to speak ‘just because’, he isn’t there. I am a single mother in Australia, after twenty one years of a horrible marriage and four children, I met my partner 4 years ago, we became a couple three years ago (Friday)…it has meant so much to me to have finally found that connection. I feel so heartbroken by his lack of actions and particularly sad at the moment, wondering why he can’t just let me go and stop telling me how much he loves and wants me if only to then ignore me and the special moments.

Today the best I could do was get my kids to school and then just sit and cry on my bed. I got myself back together and collected the kids, made dinner, talked about their day, did homework, read bedtime stories with a lump in my throat and now just floods of tears over it all. It is too much. I wish he would just let me go because it feel so painful to keep being given these words. I need what bit of energy I have for my kids. I was stupid to think I could ever have anything for myself in this way, real love.

I really feel the pain from you post OP. You must be in such heartbreak. He is almost manipulating you to stay around whilst he steps away. Thats not a trait of a good partner. I know you wont be able to do this straight away but it is you who needs to step away not him letting you go. It took me a long time to learn to only see the action and not hear the words. Its my mantra now. You clearly aren't strong enough yet to make that leap to step away and finish this relationship. Being a single mother is exhausting as I have been there. You need to look after yourself now. Do you have people to talk to in Australia? Friends, family who could support you now and in the future. Its important to talk these things through with people who you can trust who may be able to just take care of the children for a day whilst you take time out for yourself?

With all the kindness in the world - you don’t need him to let you go. You need to make that choice for yourself. He’s shown you with his actions that his words don’t mean a lot.

You literally couldn’t get any further apart - surely out of all the billions of men in the world, there must be someone a bit closer that you could love?! I know it feels like he’s the one, but Australia must be chock full of men worthy of dating too, who you could spend time with every week. Not pine for half the year.

I think this guy has been helpful in getting you over the hump of your previous relationship, but he’s not a keeper, not just from a logistical perspective, but because he doesn’t put your relationship first when you’re not with him. You would think that even being apart physically, it would be important for him to make sure you had a card and gift to show he was thinking of you and that he would make some time for you on the day to do something together apart. Spending the day with another woman is a real kick in the vagina!

Thank him for the last 3 years and graciously let him loose. Plenty more fish and all that.

Hugs for you OP and sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis This man does NOT deserve you.

With men, always look at their actions, not their words. Bad men know how to sweet talk women. Words without actions are easy to say and meaningless anyway so not sure why you're hanging onto his words when his actions completely disprove them

Instead of spending energy, emotions and thoughts on a useless uncaring man, spend that on your own kids and other people worthy of your attention. Reach out to family and friends, cancer helplines etc.

Your boyfriend is acting disgracefully and horribly - end it with him now.

Find someone closer

It sounds like he is not that into you

With all the kindness in the world - you don’t need him to let you go. You need to make that choice for yourself. He’s shown you with his actions that his words don’t mean a lot.

This

He’s not good enough for you OP. You have every chance of finding real love in the future.

Sending positive vibes your way

Thank you all so much for these replies, I am sorry to only just now be responding, the time difference of Australia/UK makes it tricky to reply in time.
I feel like I have been driven crazy, emotionally..just as I begin to accept that he is clearly disinterested in me, in my life, and I begin to accept that, he pops up again with big declarations of love, commitment, not wanting anyone else….and it is stupid of me to keep falling for this when I can clearly see that as soon as this is said or written to me, he just disappears again. I find it so baffling and cruel.
I have no family in Australia, I an from the UK, but loved here years ago and stayed here after meeting my ex husband. After I separated from my ex husband I began to travel more when I had time free when we shared our children’s care over their school holidays, but now for over a year I have not been able to visit any family and they have not been able to come to Australia due to the Australian government having a hard international border closure. It is near impossible for anyone in Australia to leave and for anybody to come in to Australia, even with my dual citizenship I cannot be approved an exemption to travel.
I know I have to be strong and walk away, and many times I have spent days and weeks beginning to pick myself up, only to then out of the blue receive a deep loving message or call and it hurts my heart so much. I must sound so pathetic, I know if I was my friend in this situation I would be saying, ‘leave, don’t let him do this to you anymore’..I know it, I see it, so why is it so difficult. I just find it utterly cruel to know that despite all I am going through and have been through in my past, that he will not just stop with the words and give me the emotional break I need to just understand for certain. I know this is now my job to take control, but it’s so hard. I am quite ashamed of myself for even feeling this way, for being so weak.
I am so grateful for all of you and your replies, at times it does feel like I am mad or over reacting, and to have others’ opinions is helping me to walk through this fog with more clarity and a realisation that I am not unreasonable and perhaps I do deserve better and at the very least, just not this painful ambiguity.

This must be do hard.
But you know that his words are meaningless.
Please do what you need to do.

I know, I have to stand up, be strong. I can no longer wait and hope for things to miraculously change or improve. Despite his claims to make things better, it never happens and each time I am left more upset and hurt than ever.

The painful thing of having memories of times we have been together and how attentive he has been, the promised we have made, the times we have shared. It feels like a grief, a loss. I am so deeply sad by all of it and in shock that someone can be so emphatically in love and then just abandon that with no explanation, and worse - the continual declarations of love despite nothing further. Why do this to me, I have so much worry as it is, surely he knows this.

Sadly his need to feed his ego is greater than his professed 'love' for you...

His words are just that, words. Anyone can say anything but unless they back those words up with actions they are absolutely meaningless.
You need to take charge here, you need to end it, not hang about hoping he will finish with you so giving you the closure you want.
It was your anniversary but he made effort to get in touch even knowing about your cancer diagnosis and how much getting in touch with you would have meant to you.
Next time he gives you the same old crap about how much he loves you, needs you in his life etc , remember his actions not his words. He’s not going to do the right thing by you, you have to do that.
Finish it, concentrate on getting better, find some friends here ( I’m from Uk and I live in Australia too, so I get the feeling of frustration and isolation that you feel). You will feel better once he’s gone and he’s no longer messing with your emotions

Madeno effort to get in touch