I know this is a long post. Please dont be mean. I just need some support.
I have just come out of a relationship with a man who hit me. I had a child with him before this started and he asked me to marry him. It didnt start with him being abusive. He was lovely to me. I thought where has this man been all my life? I had just come out of a previously dysfunctional relationship that had knocked my self esteem when I met him. I felt like this man saved me. He was caring, kind, looked after me and never wanted to see any harm come to me. I got pregnant very early on with him and decided to keep the baby with much coercion from him. I am glad I did as my son is the most sweetest and intelligent little person I have met.
That aside. This man was a very strong man. He could lift lintels above his head at work and carry 70kg in each arm doing farmers walks. He worked out too. Leading up to these assaults i found out this man lied about having a child previously, was verbally and emotionally abusive. He met up with his ex and went on dating sites as punishment. We argued lots and broke up and made up over 50 times. This lovely relationship had turned into a toxic relationship. Before the assault that ended it all he had slapped me here and there for saying certain things. He had pushed me once so hard and if I hadn't grabbed him to stop myself falling I would have probably died falling back on the pavement and hitting my head. I just saw it as one off outbursts. He dragged me down the road when I was holding onto his car to plead with him not to leave us. I thought this was an accident. Maybe it was, but in hindsight i now have my doubts. The emotional abuse entailed me being forbidden from asking questions, being called ugly, him seeing if he wanted other women on various dating sites, being called every name under the sun, being told no-one would want me because I had a child or that I was mental, being told most men would run away from me because I'm a nightmare to be with. Being told that unless i performed certain sexual acts that he would find a new partner that would. These all programmed me to make me feel i needed him. Combined with the fact i didnt work and had low self esteem from a previous relationship it made the perfect recipe for me to become almost co dependent on him. I wanted to be with this man. I wanted to keep my family together. So when things got really bad (not really really bad, that comes later) with us i apologised for asking too many questions (I was reassurance seeking after his nasty treatment towards me), I apologised for being anxious and depressed and took the blame for our failing relationship. Yes it was all my fault that we argued… yes it was all my fault that he had turned into an emotionally abusive ass hole… yes it was all my fault he no longer wanted me, it was my fault he didn't love me. I had to apologise for months. During these arguments that lead up to the assault he seemed like he wanted to make me hurt as much as humanly possible.. I had to be punished in order for him to come back. He said I had to pay and to worship him. That he never got what he deserved and he deserved to be worshiped.
When he came back he was disinterested and didnt help with our son. I think where I had accepted such nasty emotional abuse he had lost all respect and thought he could do what he wanted and I would always be there. He even said at one point “I am staying at yours this weekend". I took this at the time that he was being nice saying I want to stay with you this weekend. But the way he put it was like a command, not asking permission. I tried really hard to please him and make him love me again (not sexually, I said that that was coercion and refused). I tried, much to my disgust, to worship him by doing every thing he wanted. Organised things for us to do as a family. He said he loved me and couldn't be without me. He sexually assaulted me (although I didnt realise this until after I broke up with him and spoke to other people about the incident). Then I got a friend request from an ex who I didnt accept. He didnt seem too bothered when usually he was quite jealous. I felt like he didn't love me anymore because of this. I had grown to equate his jealousy with his love and lack of it was alarm bells to me. Then came the innocent question. I asked him why he had said something when we previously had split up. The question was “why did you say ‘you will regret this' when I said I didnt want to continue the relationship?” He stayed quiet like he usually did when I asked questions. He knew this annoyed me. He stone walled me all the time as a type of emotional abuse. Every time he did this it made me feel worthless, demeaned and upset. I would always feel my heart rate increase and I start to shake with anger. So I said “well I know you dont care anymore because you didnt even seem concerned when an ex was sniffing around me like you usually do" he launched at me pinching, slapping, grabbing my face, pushing my face back into the bed so hard. He wouldn't stop for 10 minutes so I went downstairs crying and left him to sleep. He followed me and started arguing about what I had said. I replied “just go to bed” he picked up a duplo brick and threw it very hard and fast at my head. The corner hit me hard in the head. It hurt a lot. I looked at him expecting to see remorse and a sorry expression at what he had done to me. There was none. Then he disappeared, picked up a glass from the kitchen side and threatened to throw that at me… i looked in his eyes to see if he was serious. I was getting ready to protect my face and eyes. He put it down and went up to bed. The next day he messaged me apologising whilst at work. I just let it go thinking the attack was a one off and that surely after thinking about it and realising how wrong it is he would not do it again and risk our relationship. That night he came home from work and everything was fine. Later he was stone walling me again and I said I had enough of it. He had done this well over 50 times and knew it caused friction and arguments. He said “go find another man” and I replied “well maybe they would actually talk to me and respect me”. He then launched into another attack. This time stronger than the night before. I didnt hit back like i hadn't done the previous night either, but this time I didnt show pain as I sensed he gained enjoyment from this. He carried on pushing, grabbing, pinching, slapping, strangling, grabbing my face for over 10 minutes non stop… i could tell he was getting enjoyment out of it and feeling powerful. So I decided to hit him back each time he hit. BAD IDEA. I only managed 2 hits and he said “you just hurt me!!” And grabbed my face and squeezed it and pushed it into the bed so hard I felt my jaw and neck breaking… I screamed out as I was scared and in panic. My mum said the scream sounded terrified. He let go and my mum heard and asked if I was OK. I said “he is hurting me again" my mother told him to leave and that he cant control his temper. He went on a tirade at her and she left the room(I sensed she was scared) whilst he got ready and left. All the time whilst he was getting ready to leave he was lunging at me and making me flinch and said “if there were no laws I would smash your face in".
The next morning I decided that I was not going to even consider being with him unless he got some kind of therapy or anger management. I still wanted this man very much. He told me it was my fault he did what he did and if I didnt get him so angry he wouldn't have done that. That I make him feel a bad rage. I said I didnt want to be with him unless he got help. He told me I had ruined his life and that he will kill himself if he isn't with me as he cant stand to see me with someone else or without him. I told him he could get help but he didn't acknowledge this request.
As he didn't take any responsibility for his actions I knew that anger management would not help him and decided to walk away from him for mine and my sons sake. I understand that for any therapy to work the person has to be willing and understand that there is something wrong in their behaviour to begin with. Its like an alcoholic or anorexic. They have to admit to themselves they have a problem and that is the first step towards getting help. I also realised that even if he could see he had a problem, that it was very unlikely that it would be effective. It is very difficult to change someone.
I also saw in very quick succession, thankfully, that it almost always gets worse. Not better. The first night was bad, but the second night was fiercer. If he returned again I would probably end up badly injured, then after more attacks, eventually dead.
The moment I stopped holding us together and apologising for his behaviour towards me was the moment we fell apart. He did nothing to keep us together and now I'm glad, relieved even. He is gone. The uncertainty is gone. The feeling that I am not getting what I deserve is gone. The feeling of injustice is gone. The feeling of not being heard is gone. The feeling of being demeaned is gone. What I am left with is the fleeting moments of self doubt where I think I made the wrong decision and low self esteem and confidence. I probably will need to seek out therapy of sorts to organise my thoughts and put what happened to me into perspective so I can find healthier relationships in the future.
Now a week after I left he is in a new relationship. I get blamed continuous for us being over... by him.
I feel messed up.