Long post sorry.
Been married 20years, 2 DC 18 and 16
Not the happiest of marriages. DH is not very emotional or loving. He is a good dad though.
Through lockdown he was hell to live with. I was quite scared at the beginning and he didn't take my feelings into account at all. Constant arguing.
My elderly parents had Covid, my dad was taken to hospital but they both thankfully got better. My aunt died and had a huge fallout with family members (a whole other thread).
Basically he wasn't at all supportive or caring. I had been a sahm for a long time, put on weight and got into a terrible rut.
My only way of coping with all the upset and my anger towards him was to concentrate on myself.
I've lost weight, 2 stone, got fit. Eating healthier, have even started a part time job.
I didn't want to address things with him as the DC we're doing exams and I didn't want to upset them.
A bit of background we had a huge falling out a couple of years ago when I found text messages to one of our friends. He was basically testing the water with her. Calling her beautiful inside and out.
We split for a while and he swore nothing had happened and promised he would change towards me. He didn't.
I was going to talk to him about my feelings but couldn't quite face the conversation. It always ends in a screaming match. I've been more or less avoiding him for a few months and my mum has had a major operation which again he hasn't been very supportive of.
I am starting to hate him.
We haven't had sex in a few years and don't even share the same bed.
He has noticed my weight loss and been playing me a few compliments lately. I have just been going along with it for a quite life.
He is self employed and works all different hours at different places.
I had to look for something in his laptop case and found some viagra. He said he got it as we had been getting on lately and thought we could use it!
We don't even kiss.
I don't believe him, I'm not sure if he has the time for an affair but was wondering if maybe he was paying for sex??
He swears blind this isn't the case but I just don't know what to believe.
We have separate bank accounts, I don't even know how much he earns or what he spends his money on. He will never admit to any wrongdoing.
I have nobody to talk this over with.
I feel sick and ashamed.
Would love your thoughts and advice
Thank you x