Relationship advice

[Mum330]

Hi looking for some advice please, I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years we have a 1 year old and I have an older daughter. My situation is he has been distant and unattached most of this year from our relationship, he does work long days so I know he is tired a lot of the time but when he does come from work if I don’t speak to him he won’t talk to me and when I do talk to him he isn’t interested in what I have to say, he sleeps down stairs on the sofa most of the time as he says it’s hot in our room, I have brought up I feel upset he doesn’t want to sleep with me but he doesn’t seem to care much, we don’t spend any family time as he is always busy working, I brought this up a couple months ago I got up set and he laughed the day after he said if I was embarrassed as I go so up set telling him how I feel, he jokes about being single sometimes and about me going bed so he can have the evening to him self, get some days weeks where there relationship is normal but goes back to how it was, any one else had this? Fed up now not sure if I should just leave as things won’t change I don’t think.

Is there someone else ? He is treating you in a cavalier manner , and with a lack of respect and as a doormat . Time to wake him up I think. I’d wait until I felt in control of my emotions, and be very calm and tell him if he continues to stonewall you and treat you like this , you will leave . I’d ask if there was someone else or some reason he was resentful of you and therefore behaving the way he was. If no good answer is forthcoming, can you afford to leave with your children ? Something has to change otherwise you will get fed up and leave refusing to communicate is absolutely unfair . Can you schedule a day to talk about it when he isn’t at work or tired . Does he get a day off ? Is he either depressed or seeing someone else?

Sorry it’s just men can be such PITAs. Why do we put up with them and love them in spite of it all ?!

No I don’t think there is as know he is at work as family business, the trouble is I’m to nice would do anything for him don’t like to confront him as he almost be littles me (but I know I have to) I was going to go finish with him tonight but he came home for couple hours for the 1at time in months and was ok? Think maybe I’m over reacting but I’m not happy, if I go over and sit with him and cuddle he doesn’t really cuddle back or if I try and kiss him he isn’t fussed. I can leave but would be 2 failed relationships with 2 different dads, he is good with his son just not out relationship.

It's really not all men. My DH doesn't treat me like that.

He obviously has zero respect for you and you really don't have to put up with it.

What's your housing situation?

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Have a serious talk and tell him exactly how he makes you feel. If he doesn't take you seriously or attempt to change then leave.

It does sound like he's checked out of the relationship

True @JorisBonson you’ve obviously found a good one. I’m envious. I agree he has no respect and you’ve been submissive . It’s not a failed relationship when you refusing to put up with any more of this behaviour by sticking up for yourself ! Plenty of women out there with children by different dads. No reason to stay with someone who treats you like that. Your children will grow up watching this behaviour and think it’s acceptable / normal way for people who are meant to love each other to behave if you tolerate it. If people judge you because of the different dads then they aren’t worth knowing. Just because two relationships (maybe) fail it doesn’t mean it was your fault ! Your DC’s are the positives to come out of them .

I know I don’t but hoping things will get better, will get ours sons birthday out the way 1st, and then will start the ball rolling. He owns the house but I have money to start a fresh. Sounds silly like I should just leave but when u love some one isn’t so easy.

Oh yes it is. Well, maybe not easy. But you can't go on living like this, can you? You have the means to leave. Do it.

Thank you for all your advice, I know what I have to do 😊

I’m a woman and I must admit I’ve acted similarly to your DP before and it’s usually because I’m not too into the relationship anymore. Not that is what’s going on with your dp but I know most of the time when I become distance it’s because I’m losing or already lost feelings for my partner. Other times it’s because I’m gong thru a phase of depression/feeling blue.

I know how you feel my dp comes home from work and unless he asking me something he doesn't really make a conversation with me when I've brought it up I'm told it's cos his tired from work we have 1 year old I lost my job due to pandemic and I find it very lonely he also sleeps on the sofa as the baby wakes in the night, he does show me affection he cuddle me and stuff but I feel lost and lonely

Simplelife 100, I know it’s horrible, what to do though? My partner has never been chatty but as time going on getting worse I go bed early so I’m not feeling awkward! He also doesn’t always look me in the eye and can tell his mood is off but says everything is fine it’s just me? Last night he was ok but more chatty and came to bed that gives me hope then few days time will go back to not talking. Got to do what’s right for you but we all deserve to be happy! I can’t see is lasting if I’m honest.

@Mum330 we have been together 19 years I do think majority of his not talking is tired we have 3 DC but a big age gap with our youngest his just turn 1 and he was a surprise so dealing with a baby has been demanding and we are both 40 was in are early 20s when we had our first 2 DC, but I do everything for the baby he comes in from work and yes he will play with LO and bath organically. I just feel lost and lonely I'm not happy with my weight etc so maybe it's more me then him but we definitely have become distant towards each other

Simplelife100. You have been together a long time, I know having kids is hard work and hard on relationships but you should be able to work through it, don’t think men can cope like we can even though we do everything! I’m the same not happy with my weight I’ve started a diet and trying to do more for me as was feeling like I’m losing my self. I doubt myself about our relationship thinking maybe it’s me but realising now its not. Hope it’s just a phase for you and partner but if carry’s on think what’s best for you.