Men on dating sites - why do you do this?

[RockstarMartini]

Really interested to know if any male MN users can shed some light.

I get that a lot of men just swipe right on virtually everyone then decide if they’re interested when they match. But why would you match, send a message and then when the woman replies unmatch? I’ve had this several times and I’m so baffled. The ones that match and never message are annoying enough but this - why on Earth message if you don’t want a conversation?!

I’m absolutely at the end of my tether with these bloody sites, when did it become acceptable to treat people so disrespectfully?

I’m a guy and I get this with women on OLD - I chalk it up as either someone else they found more interesting started getting their attention or else they lose interest/get cold feet after getting the ego boost of someone confirming they like them back.

I’m a woman and both did it and had it done to me. It’s just par for the course with apps like Tinder - it’s a numbers game. I may have changed my mind on second look, or swiped after a glass of wine, or found the intro message not engaging. I usually made a snap decision based on the tone of the first message. I also messaged first on many occasions.

I’m a man, I’ve messaged a few a women, and generally find they never message back

It wouldn't surprise me if people think they can manipulate the Tinder algorithm to try to increase their status by doing something like this.

I’m a man, this happens to me all the time. Online dating is about the most judgemental place on the internet- could be as simple as using a “wrong” word or perhaps replying half hour later than was expected. Poof. They’re gone.

I wouldn’t get too wound up by it. They say you need a thick skin and it’s true tbh. Currently at the fed up stage too, so you’re not alone.

I'm a woman and I do that too. Sometimes the first message sounds wrong or you look at the photos again and you think "no thanks". I have it done to me too and honestly I don't really care.

Just move on

Does it really matter? People change their minds after speaking to someone I guess.

Well yes it matters to me - I’m not losing sleep over it but it just really makes me wonder what people are thinking. Don’t like me don’t message but if you do at least have the courtesy to continue the conversation even if only briefly.

I think I’m a bit old fashioned for OLD, manners and kindness just aren’t part of that world but they’re very much part of mine. It’s brutal out there - some of you are much tougher than me 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Lonelycrab sorry you’re in the same boat, sucks doesn’t it 🙄

OLD is the absolute worst! I think a lot of people swipe and then when looking further find a detail they don't like. One guy I was chatting with seemed to be going really well but when he found out I sometimes wear glasses after a few days chatting he totally dropped me! I do wonder how people meet partners on there, it's like a minefield.

@Mermaidwaves I think it breeds a sweet shop mentality (which tbh I think the dating site providers encourage) and without any way of detecting chemistry (which might otherwise make people stick to a choice) I think there’s a lot of “hmm… well this one’s good, but maybe this next one might be better…” You’re encouraged to think their might be better offer just around the corner. But, of course, since no-one’s perfect, there never is.

And, worst, the ones you’re most likely to think are perfect are the ones who just feed you what you want to hear - and you only find out they’ve oversold themselves when you actually meet.

I've noticed a lot of men don't read my profile when matching and they ask after such as what am I looking for, where am I from etc, it says on the profile! So some may choose to read after matching rather than before then decide you're not suitable for whatever reason and not message or decide your not quite their type, happens to us too doesn't it? You only have a few seconds to decide to swipe or not, don't worry about it too much.

What pps said - it’s not personal just the way things are?

I was quite a latecomer to the swipey sites

and yes it is a bit of a roller coaster as one THINK there is this wall of attractive matches

then as time goes on most of them flake or fizzle out or don’t reply or you lose interest yourself!

It’s hard keeping mental equilibrium but think the trick is not to overinvest - even a physical meet doesn’t mean much.

I’ve learned to keep chat quite light and not to overthink or overfunction or “try to win them over”. If I’m racking my brains thinking of witty remarks to get them to continue its too much.

What will be will be - it’s too easy to get into a desperate/lonely mindset and end up accepting really shit meets or dates outside your comfort zone. Which is worse than no dates.

My feeling is that either they immediately like the look of your profile photos and are sufficiently available to “instigate or agree to a meet”

or they’re a bit half hearted but will continue chatting and it’s like climbing a mountain trying to persuade them otherwise.

I think a lot of people forget there are real people behind the profiles.

I tried online dating for a bit, different being all men, but I had that a few times, I did get used to it in the end. I chose not to meet anyone in the end and deleted it. It can be a great tool, but there are a lot of twats on there.

@SimonJT

Last sentence sums it up really!

And agree that “just deciding not to meet anyone” is a perfectly legitimate and common reaction to the online dating experience.

People can be amazing but also can be twats and predators and it’s easy not to humanise someone behind a screen.

OLD is filled with bots, fake profiles and married men. I wouldn’t take it personally.