Sick of people telling me I need to find a man

[Ceriane]

I have been single for a long time. I had a coercive control type of relationship when I was younger and this really put me off men, I have had a lot of health issues including gynae problems and general health problems that have diminished my sex drive completely and have in the past caused it to be too painful to have sex. I have had relationships since, one guy was really not understanding and it was difficult. I’ve dated people, some of them have been really lovely and have found myself pulling away before it got too sexual as I couldn’t face getting intimate with someone. I have avoided relationships completely in recent years as I just don’t want the hassle. All a relationship is to me is someone hassling you for sex. However every time I see friends or family I feel self conscious and ashamed about how long I have been single, and people constantly say things like “anyway, we need to find you a fella”. It does my head in. One friend in particular does this as some kind of default thing to say. I don’t feel close enough to anyone to admit I don’t bloody want one or why. On the other hand I feel I want someone to prove me wrong and to ge able to have a normal, healthy sexual relationship with someone and for someone to prove to me that sex and relationships don’t have to be this coercive control awful thing, that being in a relationship can be really good. I just want love, and being in a relationship can’t be bad for everyone as everyone assumes I must want one. I’m so confused. The more stories I read on hear about coercive control in sexual relationships and rape the more put off I am because my past experience plays on my mind. I just don’t want to be in a situation where I’m constantly being hassled by someone I don’t want and feeling I have to give in for the sake of the relationship. I’m scared to date because of all this and that is why I’ve put it off for so long.

I empathise with a lot of what you said because of similar experiences. After lots of therapy and time away from relationships (a decade blissfully free of not only abuse but also the tedious arguing and defending of boundaries) I can see that relationships can be healthy, I just don't see how I can have one like that. In my mind, healthy relationships start out on the right foot: relaxed, fun, but with enough self-esteem and healthy boundaries to be able to spot and let go of wrong ones straight away. If you've accepted shit treatment in the past, especially if you were brought up to expect shit treatment, that breezy but firm attitude is really hard to pull off.

Ceriane

Would you consider therapy for your own self here from the BACP?. That is a way forward it could help in your recovery from being abused when you were younger. The abuses of you was not your fault in any way, that was all on the perpetrator. Look also at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the crap you learnt along the way. Love your own self for a change.

People on MN generally do not tend to write about relationships when their relationship is itself good and or emotionally healthy. They write about their relationships when they are problematic.

I was wondering if you've ever been diagnosed with endometriosis as this can be a factor in sex being painful.

Thank You both. I have been considering therapy for quite some time as there is a lot of stuff from when I was growing up that I haven’t dealt with.

I’m not happy being single. I think I was initially for the first couple of years, but now I’m just so, so lonely and just want genuine love, nothing I have to force or fake. I also want my sex drive to come back, so that I can enjoy it again not because it will make my life easier to shut some man up, get him off my case, which is how I started to see it.

I just kick myself for the good ones I pushed away because of fear basically, and finding people’s (well meaning) comments about me being single so hard to deal with as I can’t explain it to them and I really do worry to much what people think, but I definitely do need therapy. Mentally I’m such a mess at the moment.