Lack of intimacy. Advice needed!

[TeddyBearsPicnic89]

With my DH for 4 years, have one DC together. Overall have a fairly good sex life (normally 2-3 times per week). So not to dripfeed, DH is a heavy drinker but does his fair share of housework/childcare.
The past few times I've initiated sex with DH he's turned me down saying he's not in the mood. The first time it happened I just said no worries, we can just cuddle. I assumed he was tired as he had been up until 6am drinking the previous night, but did find it a bit odd as he tends to be hornier the day after drinking. The next day I tried again, same response, although he did offer to play with me but I said no (nicely). Third time I initiated (couple of days later) he once again said he wasn't in the mood. I told him that was fine, but would he mind playing with me. He told me no that he just wasn't on the mood. Now before I get flamed, I know that men are perfectly entitled to not be in the mood, but it's very uncharacteristic of him. We've not been fighting recently or anything else that would make him reluctant. I admit I did ask him was everything OK between us and he got very annoyed saying that "I need to stop making everything about me". I wasn't trying to do that and I know I shouldn't feel so upset about being rejected. Im aware I have self esteem issues that need addressed but it doesn't help matters being knocked back by my own DH. He did watch porn later one evening (whilst drinking) after rejecting me that morning which adds further insult to injury. Before people come on shouting about addiction and death grip, I really don't think it's that as he openly admits to using porn once/twice a week and although I dont love it, it's never affected our sex life so I don't make a thing out of it. After being rejected a 3rd time, I've not come on to him since as dont want to pressure him nor do I think my fragile ego could cope with another humiliation.
I can't speak to DH about lack of intimacy as he'll only get angry/defensive plus I know there's nothing more unattractive than a desperate/needy DW. ED had crossed my mind, particularly due to his drinking but the fact he was watching porn makes me think the issue is me and not him. I do suspect I'm going to get a bashing here but please be kind.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are together?. What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has gone without alcohol?. I would think that all the issues you have here re him are directly linked to his alcohol intake.

And no it’s not you, it’s him.

I have a very poor opinion of porn after being in a relationship with a porn addict. I appreciate some people use it casually but I think that’s rarer than most think.

You say you don’t object because it doesn’t affect your sex life - well it is now, if he’s rejecting you and then using porn. His heavy drinking may also be a factor.

You need to have a serious conversation about what’s going on.

On the other hand, if I told my DH I wasn’t in the mood for sex and he asked me to do stuff for him he’d be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

Sounds like this is quite a complex issue with various elements. Communication is paramount.

OP,

Please make sure your contraception is bullet proof.

Sounds like he is an alcoholic and things are likely to get worse.

He gets angrybwhen you try to discuss things?

Not good.

Start protecting yourself and your child, this is not going to end well.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I suppose on the whole he makes me (and DD) happy. I would say the longest without any alcohol at all would be about 4 days. He wouldn't necessarily binge every time he drinks, he can stop after a beer or two, but he definitely drinks to excess and is undoubtedly a (very) high functioning alcoholic. I know this normally elicts roars of LTB on mumsnet and I do understand that viewpoint, but he actually is quite a good husband and father. I do realise I probably sound quite pathetic and naive though. @Deathgrip I'm sorry you went through such an experience. I bet it didn't do much for your self esteem. I completely get your viewpoint but I genuinely don't think he watches it excessively. There are times were we both sometimes just want a bit of alone time as opposed to full on sex. I know it may have been a case of simply not being horny in the morning, but he was later that evening when he had a few drinks and I was sleeping. My worry was that he has ED/depression as when I was initiating earlier that day he wasn't aroused at all. There are times when he would be aroused but say no as he's too tired. But there was literally no arousal at all. That in itself is very unusual. So I began to think it was maybe a physical issue due to the drinking. But the fact he was later able to (presumably) get aroused to porn, makes me wonder if the issue is a psychological one/doesn't find me attractive. I know it might seem a bit sex pesty that I asked him to play with me after he said he wasn't in the mood, but he did suggest that himself the previous time when he stated he wasn't up for sex. As soon as he made it clear he didn't want to play with me, I dropped the subject immediately and just gave him a cuddle. You're absolutely right that communication is paramount to all this, but there is no way he is willing to speak about it. He got so annoyed when I tried to broach it before and was in a bad mood the rest of the day.

How does he make you and your child happy exactly? You are really describing a miserable relationship here with an alcoholic and one at that who rejects you and uses porn. Such men have huge difficulty around intimacy. His primary relationship is also with drink, not you and not your child.

You are not pathetic as a woman but you’re certainly sounding it at present along with being naive. He won’t change, this is truly who he is. You have to decide whether you want this or not for both you and your child.

Thank you for the reply @billy1966. Yes he was annoyed when I brought up about him not being in the mood. I just said to him "not to pressure you, but is everything ok between us or have I annoyed you". He then snapped that "not everything is about you, you're so self centeted". He shut down then and told me he wasn't for discussing it so I haven't brought it up since. I understand it's a sensitive topic, particularly if he is experiencing ED. His go to mechanism is annoyance when he's embarrassed about something. So in terms of moving forward, I really can't say anything to him. Plus I'm worried if I'll come off as needy/sex mad if I mention it again.

He is projecting his own self hatred onto you. He is really describing his own self here.

If he does have any ED it’s more than likely connected to his alcohol intake.

Would you want your daughter as an adult to be in a relationship with such a man?. Likely not and this is not good enough for you either.

Sounds like ED probably brought on by a mixture of alcohol, stress and porn. Several red flags here, the main ones being his refusal to communicate and choosing porn in preference to sex with you. You're right that we men sometimes need "time to ourselves" but that should not result in damage to our sex lives with our DP.

If you can't communicate with him you have to accept that it may get worse and you won't be able to do much about it. Sex is an important part of a relationship and you need to be able to talk about it just as you talk about money, kids, holidays etc etc, problems won't magically disappear.

My DH admitted to watching it ‘occasionally’ too OP— it was only when I switched to using open DNS on the router (as I was getting some weird pop ups and thought we had been hacked) that I realised he was watching it almost every day the minute I was out the house and sometimes twice a day. Don’t be surprised if that’s your reason

You’re quite right to say that men are not always in the mood, but the mixture of booze and porn is probably affected his sex drive, in other words, it’s not you it’s him

@AttilaTheMeerkat funny you say that about issues around intimacy. Before meeting me my DH hadn't had a serious relationship for about ten years. Is there a link between alcoholism and lack of intimacy? And if so, do you know why? It does sadden me to say that you're probably right that his primary relationship is with alcohol. Truthfully, no I wouldn't want my DD to be married to an alcoholic. He can be very kind, loving and is extremely loyal. But the alcohol is definitely problematic.
@Anothernick my fear is that he does have ED but if he can perform to porn then he will see that as his 'sade space' sexually and be too scared to approach me in case he has difficulties performing. Therefore he will use porn as his primary release as opposed to an add on to a healthy sex life. What baffles me is how quickly the ED started. We had sex twice in one day (well one 24hr period) a few days before all this, both times initiated by him. There were absolutely no problems then at all. Which made me think the ED was very physical as opposed to psychological.
@Crikeyalmighty, although I can't say for certainty that he doesn't have an addiction, I think it's quite unlikely. He doesn't try to hide what he watches so I can see that it's not terribly frequently. I'm rarely out of the house (on maternity still) so he often will look at it when I'm out. But even before when I was working he still would have only watched it 2/3 times a week. He's never really lied about it as he knows I'm relatively ok with it, providing it doesn't affect us. There are times he'd go a week or two without it, but not that often. He does enjoy porn but I wouldn't say he uses it more than the average man.
@JustAnotherOldMan thank you for the kind words but I feel the issue is very much me. It's a bit insulting he can perform to porn but not me. I get that there's no pressure when you're by yourself, abd ge may have been watching it to "test" if things were working ok. But as I said, my fear is that he will start to blame me if he can get it up for porn but not sex. He might completely retreat if that's the case.

So he’s an alcoholic and now you’re not having sex. He needs to want to do something about this or your relationship is doomed. The future is in his hands, quite literally.

The issue is absolutely not you! It’s really sad to see how much his actions and choices are affecting your self esteem. I have been there and it’s absolutely not you!

Wht does he need to rely so heavily on alcohol? Does he have an extremely stressful job?