Am i really dilutional

[Sarnia1980x]

So guys wanted to speak to someone

Me and my husband of 6 years have a hot and cold relationship when we are good were really good but when its bad the arguments are often different. We cant agree and often avoid eachother

Yesterday he was with old mates that he used to hang around with and often got in trouble with.. So out of care i just said pls don't get into argument or some fight

Hes come back and said how im deluded, im fucked in the head, i need to stop over thinking, i cause problems and i feel so down hearing all this..

I mean did i really say something so bad am i that much of a horrible person who's brain is not functioning.

Just want someone to tell me as it is am i wrong or is he just doing this to mess my head

Yes i do have people i can speak to but i do feel like they will tell me all good things they see.. I also feel due to cultural issues im going to disappoint everyone.. They wasn't very on board when we wanted to get married..

Feel a mess

You're not delusional @Sarnia1980x , he is verbally and extremely psychologically abusive. He is trying to make you doubt your own sanity, and as you have mental heath issues that is an even more cruel thing to do.

He says he should've left you ages ago. Please don't let this carry on as he has told you what a low opinion he has of you, and enjoys hurting you. Get in there first and separate from him and don't go back. xx

He sounds like quite the dickhead. There is no shame in not wanting to be with someone so aggressive and unpleasant.

Do you have children together?

I love u guys for making me feel less alone..

Yes he says that the marriage is a bullshit crap, he doesn't care if i go, and hes hspoy hes going for work as he wont need to see my face

@PickAChew yes 2 under 5 x

For the sake of your children and your own emotional wellbeing, leave him.

He needs to know that you are not going to hang around after treating you the way he does.

All the more reason to leave him sooner, rather than later, then. You don't want them seeing their father treat their mother like something he stepped in.

Do you own your home or rent ?
Do you have a personal/ joint bank account ?
Do either of you have personal pensions ?

Yes guys exactly the reason im concidering to pack my stuff for my kids..
He have seen me breakdown today and my little one said daddy annoyed you

And do you workm?

We rent but hes the main applicant @DinosaurDiana

Would housing be able to help would you know

I get maternity payment as im still on maternity..

But i do believe i can financially care for us as i do alot anyways

So he goes out with his friends who are grown adults and getting into fights. Then comes home and rages at you. What is the home life of these friends like? And what gives him the right to speak to you this way. It wouldn’t surprise me if he told them what you said and that’s where his infantile meltdown came from. His loser friends gave him some input and he came home and instead of keeping their useless opinions to
Himself couldn’t help himself. Either way it’s unacceptable behaviour.

Is your husband heavily influenced by his loser friends (yes they are losers because they are going out and getting into fights) and I assume they are well beyond 18.

Men who are jackass losers are usually miserable. Misery love company and if your husband is weak spirited enough to listen to his loser friends and would like to be miserable with them, then help him pack his bags so he can go. That way he can have more time to spend with these men and leave you in peace.

It’s interesting that as soon as he comes back from his night out with these idiots that he starts in on you. It’s unacceptable and not ok. You didn’t say anything wrong.

He doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, he is deploying the usual behaviour of an excuse of a man, who is selfish and uncaring, and demeaning towards you. I doubt that you can change this kind of behaviour, if his personality traits are always veering towards being a nasty and cruel minded individual.

@Sarnia1980x

Yes i do have people i can speak to but i do feel like they will tell me all good things they see.. I also feel due to cultural issues im going to disappoint everyone.. They wasn't very on board when we wanted to get married..

Feel a mess

*I also feel due to cultural issues im going to disappoint everyone.. They wasn't very on board when we wanted to get married..

You know, if I 'wasn't on board' when someone I cared about got married, I wouldn't be disappointed if they left the marriage, I'd be overjoyed!!!

My parents heartily disapproved of my 1st marriage due to major religious differences. When I finally wised up and kicked him out I'd say they were 'disappointed' to a certain extent because divorce wasn't a 'done thing' in our family, but that upon second consideration their overriding feeling was of relief that I was getting out of what they considered a 'mésalliance' in the first place. He was abusive, just like yours, but I'd never shared that bit of info with them before I kicked him out. Although they never knew the full extent, when I told them the part of the story I chose to share with them, they were doubly happy I was out of it and the 'shame' of divorce disappeared.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be so sure your family won't support you in leaving him. Pick one trusted member, someone you feel will keep your confidence, and tell them the truth. Ask for their help in getting out and in telling the rest of the family. You'll probably hear "We told you so" more than once, but honestly it will be so worth it just to have their support.

He has been saying im messed in the head, u need help etc and i feel like it's having a massive effect even though i know im well.. I have anxiety ocd related but am getting help. I just feel shit

You're not delusional, & this ugly speech from him is calculatedly nasty.
He said it deliberately, to make you question yourself, to undermine you & as you rightly point out, "feel like shit".

What exactly is in it for you, walking on eggshells around this violent, trouble-making, abusive & gaslighting man?

Im unable to tell anyone, i feel like i will disappoint everyone around me. I feel absulutely stuck

Small wonder you feel stuck OP, if he's been like this for a while, his behaviour will have ground down your self-esteem. Ground it down so far that you feel that leaving him with disappoint other people!

Firstly - it's nobody's decision but yours if you want to leave.
Secondly - the only disappointment to be managed is yours - that your partner's behaviour is so poor.

Abuse thrives in secrecy. You've taken the first step by posting here, to organise your thoughts & get some fresh perspective. Well done. Now you need to open up in real life, even to just one trusted person at first.

Your friends & family would be horrifed to know how he speaks to you. They won't be disappointed - they will want you to be supported, happy, & free of his horrible treatment of you.

Here's some online support & learning materials -
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

& here's your new "bible" - it will tell you everything you need to know about how to spot the signs of "angry & controlling men", how to recognise patterns & red flags, & how to protect yourself from being snared by another one in future -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I hope you can find some quiet time just for you / you & the kids to do something enjoyable after this latest nasty episode.

I feel like it is a deal breaker for me though as its testing my sanity.

Let this be your deal-breaker.
You absolutely do not deserve to have to live with this level of contempt & cruelty.

You are right - it is testing your sanity, & he did that quite deliberately.
He knows you manage ocd & anxiety, & chose THAT to taunt you with?

Nasty, nasty, nasty.
You are going to be so happy when your symptoms start being much easier to manage, because you are no longer having to live with his unpleasantness.

Yes guys exactly the reason im concidering to pack my stuff for my kids

Nice one, Sarnia.

He have seen me breakdown today and my little one said daddy annoyed you

We know it. You know it. Even your small children know it.

The logistics of leaving are reasonably simple, as you don't have a mutual asset to split in terms of property.
But please, please, PLEASE get a recommendation for an excellent lawyer. They will have seen it all before, they won't be shocked, & they will represent YOUR interests as any money/pensions/car etc assets are divided.

And, when you have some quiet time & he's out of the house, start on some of the links posted upthread. Sorry that's come over as really bossy! - but both the ones I posted will help you feel supported, sane, & that nobody in their right mind would feel "disappointment" that you are no longer going to put up with his abuse.

You - & your young, impressionable children - deserve a home life free of your husband's shit.

@chargingBuck thank u so much for ur advice..

Its true i should this as the deal breaker because it wasnt the first time and im just hoping someone will understand me in real times

As you are renting, there is no reason to stay.

Please get out and get safe.

It's a pleasure Sarnia.

You will grow from this. It'll be rocky while you extricate yourself & deal with the emotional aftermath. But keep all your focus on you & the kids for the next year, & plan to avoid any romantic entanglements while you do so. (Sorry, bossyboots again. Just imagine me as an ancient crone stirring a cauldron while casting a freedom spell over you)

A year out will allow you to rebuild your strength & resilience, while you access support via the various resources upthread.
You will emerge from it a much stronger & more confident woman - the type of woman who attracts decent, kindhearted men

Hes been away since yesterday and no call or apology. Just goes to show how he really feels about me. There's no respect sadly. Im still stuck on how to confine in someone i trust, anxiety just feels out the window. I just feel stuck urgh

It's natural to feel some anxiety, you are reaching conclusions that are going to mean some life changes for you.

You could have a practice run by taking to your GP about the cause of current anxiety - maybe you are already in touch about this if you have medication for it?
Either way, it would be good to open up in a safe environment, & ask for signposting to support organisations.

Or talk it through on the phone with Womens' Aid?

I understand, OP.
The first time we open our mouths about how bad things have become, & admit that our partner is abusive, can be difficult.
But you need to get it out there, you can't keep suffering in silence like this, it's destructive to your mental health.

And when professionals demonstrate to you that they've heard it all before, are not judging you, & that they understand your position, you will start to feel bolder. Bold enough to open up to a friend. Because you need & deserve to have someone hold your hand & cheer you through this.

Get on the phone tomorrow!
It's your life. Take back control of it! xx