Marriage for children? Please share your story

[livinginaprison]

I’m in a loveless marriage.
My husband is a decent one, provides well and works very hard. He spends time with the kids on the weekends and does try his best.
However, as a man and wife we fight all the time. All communication ends in fights and yes the kids see it all the time.
He struggles with addiction and it does effect his personality. I stuck by him through a really awful period and he’s now clean.
The problem is he does not know how to communicate with me and anytime I bring anything up about his addiction (I see it creeping through and ask him to restart his meetings) he says really mean unrelated things to me. Super immature responses.

Although he works hard, he thinks it’s ok to not do anything or think about anything else.
He hasn’t opened a letter since we got married, 10 years and therefore hasn’t actioned anything in 10 years. He simply works and that’s as far as our marriage goes. Is this normal for those who don’t work do to everything else without discussions? - to take over absolutely everything? Eg if something breaks, you get it fixed; tax, admin - you do it, decisions on house, life, family, holidays, banking, Morgage, health of the family. I do everything and he doesn’t want to know about anything. He will listen and try to pretend he’s interested; if I discuss about the health of our children (one was very sick) but he never researched or learnt anything the issue and just let me get on with it. Didn’t want to get involved with the treatment or doctor’s appts.
Now I find it a waste of my time discussing house/admin/finances/plans/kids as he doesn’t have any interest.
He loves the kids and does try to be a good father. Like most dads he has a few hours limit before he needs a break.

I wonder if anyone has stayed in a marriage like this and made it work?

I wonder if anyone is married to a man that leaves the wife to do hold the fort solo?

I am lonely and feel like I am so young to settle for a loveless marriage. I have been married for 10 years and it’s been like this since the kids were born, 6 years now. I will only be in it for the kids to have financial security and their father at home.

Please can you be kind in your words. Asking from an exhausted mum.

Any mother’s in the same boat or have anything to share ?

I think your user name says it all
You are not living a normal married life with shared responsibility shared ups and downs shared anything
You are going solo with another child to look after who is unpredictable unreliable and probably gives you more heartache than the children

Would you accept this for your daughter in future years ?
This is what you are teaching your children ( male and female) as a normal healthy acceptable relationship.. but you know it is not !

Please consider your children and what your options are
Sending you a hug @livinginaprison

I don't think I agree with your definition of decent. He isn't a good man just because he earns money and sounds a few hours with the children. If you separated he would do this anyway.

he says really mean unrelated things to me. Super immature responses

That's abuse.

I can't see why you would stay. See a solicitor about a likely financial settlement as there will be a way for you to live post divorce.

I left a man who earned well. He did more around the house than yours BUT I left because I didn't want my children to see that their dads behaviour was acceptable.

I imagine your H grew up in a similar environment and if you stay the cycle won't get broken. For your children you should leave.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar between your parents as a child?.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. Are you codependent in relationships; why are his needs here seemingly more important than anyone else's?. They are not. By being there you're merely enabling him and propping him up.

Why did you describe him as a decent one?. Decent husbands do not have addictions. The fact he provides well and works very hard (to the extent that he does nothing at all within the family to at all lighten your mental load) means bugger all frankly. You're lonely and unhappy within this marriage. Plenty of men out there do this and not treat their wife and in turn his children as he is treating you.

I would urge you to divorce him because being in a loveless marriage like you describe does no-one here, least of all your children, any favours at all. One day your children will leave home and sooner rather than later. None of them will want to come back home to visit either of you all that often. Your own relationship with them could be damaged as a result because they could well conclude that you put this man before them.

What do you both want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to have a relationship just like this as an adult?. No you would not but you're showing them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Your reasons for staying are really and truly no basis for staying with this man at all. Whose sake are you really staying for; theirs or more likely yours?. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. By staying with him you are also actively preventing your own self from potentially meeting someone else. The way this is going is one way; further downwards.

What are they going to remember here about their own childhoods; they see that all communication between you ends in fights and they see it all the time. Living in such a terrible atmosphere burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

Are you really that afraid to move on with your own life?. Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. This could well be the case for you. It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as people stay together “for the kids.”

You have a choice even now re this man, your children do not. Make better choices for both you and they going forward because they as well as you deserve far more from life. Better to be on your own too with your kids than to be so badly accompanied as you are now. Divorce is not failure but living in such overt unhappiness is.

I honestly think the best kind of parent is a happy parent. I say this as someone who left an abusive relationship with a man with addictions, the father of my two children. I struggled hard with the guilt of leaving and breaking up the family, I felt for a long time that I had a duty to do everything I could to keep my kids with their dad. But ultimately I became a shell of myself and I knew that this was not truly best for my kids. It was in their best interests to grow up in a peaceful, safe home with a happy and healthy mother. I wanted a happy and healthy father there for them too but ultimately I had to accept that no matter how hard I tried, I could not make that happen. In the end he became dangerous and he is no longer part of our lives. We are so much better off without him.

I really feel for you, it's very difficult to make the leap but I would encourage you to do it. We live in a safe, happy and loving home now and I'm so glad I made that choice for the kids - and for myself. You will never find stability with this man; after the hell he's put you through, even when things are good that voice in your head will be saying 'how long until the next time'. There will likely always be a next time...

Thank you for all your responses.
I would not be happy if my daughter was in a marriage like mine.

After reading your responses it has hit me that I am super scared of leaving and it is easier for me to stay in the marriage. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family where my father was an alcoholic and both would argue to communicate. Exactly how I am like today in my marriage. It’s a sad fact that history has repeated itself, I suppose it’s all that I had known and I had slipped into those same ways unconsciously.
my husbands family also argued a lot so its all he knows too.

I think my main fear is how I will take care of my children financially. I haven’t got a job and I won’t be able to look after them with the salary I would be on.
Family life will change, holidays away and family friends. All very scary.

It is scary but it is something that I have visited many times before but soon gave it ‘another chance’ after hearing pleas that counciling will work this time.

Like most dads he has a few hours limit before he needs a break.

I don’t think this is true of most dads. We both went part time after my maternity leave so from age 1 onwards my husband has done the same number of solo parenting days as me (am out of the house 7am-6pm on work days), then at weekends we’re all together and each have a couple of hours to ourselves to run/cycle. I can think of 4 other couples in our friendship group who share parenting in similar ways.

It sounds exhausting for you and I can’t imagine being married but not having another supportive adult in my corner - honestly: MUCH better is possible, and great, and you deserve it. If people want you to be nice to them, they should treat you accordingly.

I think your bar is very low "Like most dads he has a few hours limit before he needs a break" this is not most men. I know lots of men who have dropped or condensed their hours at work even as the main breadwinner who do so because they want to spend time with their young children. My husband who earns twice what I do shared paternity leave with me. Most men do not need a break after a few hours looking after kids.

You have said yourself that history repeats itself. Even when you dont want it to. Your dad was an alcoholic and I'm sure you didn't deliberately target someone with addiction issues to have children with but it's not a coincidence. People are conditioned to have the type of relationship that they grew up around.

If you stay your kids will have horrible shouty volatile relationships when they are older and depending on their sex will either do everything at home or expect someone else to do everything.

Can you get a job? Outsource some of the domestic stuff and then work towards leaving. It will be easier if you're already financially independent

My childhood was full of my parents arguing, and if I think about it I still get the sick, anxious feeling now at 30. Your kids would be better off if you were separated and so would you. You're doing it alone anyway, may as well do it alone in peace.

Make a plan to become financially independent whether that’s retraining or upskilling and put it into action. If things improve in your relationship with counselling you won’t have lost anything by becoming or working towards financial independence. It’s easy to say leave and if it’s too much to deal with do leave but the chances of you building a successful life away from this relationship are vastly improved by planning in advance. Good luck.

You can stay in a marriage as friends for the kids. That isn’t what you have. Watching the two of you fight and model a truly unhealthy relationship isn’t good for them. They also need a break from living with a person who hasn’t fully worked through his addiction.