Narc mother, widowhood, bereavement, it’s all here.

[Shutthedoorproperly]

N/C

My mother is a weapons grade narcissist. I have the measure of her and so long as I stay alert we sort of rub along. She has some odd views about things, she can be completely tone deaf to the mood/emotion of other people (me) and doesn’t do boundaries very well.

My Dad has died. He had been unwell for some time and she absolutely controlled his every move. He was bullied by her and always took her part, no matter how unreasonable she was. But I loved him dearly.

My mother with nothing to do or control, is a Bad Thing. She has a part time job, and she also has active hobbies but she doesn’t really do close friendship.

So I need some help/tips on how to maintain boundaries without feeling guilty about her. For her part she thinks I’m a fool and an idiot, and would roll me over for my ex husband (who I’m divorcing for abuse) without breaking a sweat. She bought him Fathers Day presents, unprompted, for example, and didn’t see why I was despite him being a shit father who I’ve had to legally admonish for his attempted child alienation.

Sorry that became a rant. This week has been very hard and above everything I’m dealing with, it’s her that’s the most troublesome!

Practice not feeling guilty about saying no.

Do you absolutely need to keep contact with her?

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Without trying to be crass, now that your dad has passed away, is ther any reason you need to (not want to or have to) stay in touch with her? You can cut ties, be busy, not answer calls and all that until she is eventually no longer part of your day to day life or week to week life.
Once again, I am sorry to read about your dad.

I think counselling might help. You still seem caught up in what she does/doesn’t do and you are still unbelieving of her behaviour (how she couldn’t understand why the Father’s Day gift was an awful thing to do).

I think the only way to survive a narc parent is to come to the acceptance that they don’t have a place in your heart any more. You literally no longer care what they do. Only then will you find the strength to set boundaries and police them ruthlessly.

She sounds very like my mother. It doesn’t get any better as they get older. Mine was quite nice for the past four years as she ended up in hospital and nearly died, and I was there for her, but this has all worn off now and she is back to being her usual grade A cow bag narcissistic self. You have my sympathies. My Dad was a lovely man, but he enabled her behaviour and never stood up for me.

My mother calls my cousin “the daughter she never had” and constantly rakes up the past - all the times she has been embarrassed to have me as her daughter (largely weight related!), every perceived wrongdoing over the years, times I’ve upset my father “and you’ll never be able to put it right now”. Strangely, she has no friends, because she has fallen out with them all, and her brother no longer speaks to her either.