Granny's not invited

[BroccoliSpears]

My parents live overseas.
My Granny, my siblings and I all live in UK, but spread out around the country. One brother lives very near Granny.

My Granny is in her eighties, increasingly frail and forgetful. She lives in her house still, and manages. She has lots of friends and loves where she lives.

My parents are not interested in Granny. (She is my mother's mother). They have admitted to me that they just don't like her much. My father is quite open about his dislike of her. My mother feels anxious and guilty and "does what she has to" but out of a sense of obligation. My granny is not enormously fond of my father either, but has no idea that her relationship with my mother (her daughter) is anything other than wonderful. She genuinely believes that they get on famously, as they did when my mother was younger.

I do what I can. I phone Granny a few times a week, and she feels comfortable phoning me every day (sometimes lots of times a day ) if she wants to. We have her to stay for weekends. She came for Easter and is coming for Christmas. My parents get a bit irritated with me for this, as they think that Granny is their "responsibility" and I shouldn't be playing the martyr and doing their job. I can't make them understand that I'm not playing the martyr - that I actually like Granny and enjoy her company. Also, to be frank, they are not doing their job - they don't check on her, they don't have her to stay. They last saw her last Christmas when she went to visit them.

Granny is no saint of course. She's a lonely old lady who gets a bit bored and likes to stir things up a bit. I know that she likes to play the victim and give me the impression that my mum never phones her and won't let her phone them, which isn't true.

So, my parents are coming to see us for the weekend next year. It's their first visit to the UK for a couple of years. My brother who lives very near Granny has said that he'll come up to see them while they're with us. Great. Am looking forward to it.

Except.

Granny's not invited.

If I bring this up with anyone in the family they'll say "oh Granny's fine, she doesn't need to be included in everything, there's no room anyway and she'll just take over. Leave it". It's true that having Granny along would completely alter the whole weekend. She follows my mum around and talks incessantly about people from their village 50 years ago. My parents are so so so looking forward to coming and seeing their granddaughter (for the third time ever) and spending time with DP and I and catching up. If Granny comes my father will get the hump, my mum will be on edge, my brother probably won't come... Granny really doesn't ever stop talking, so there will be no space for a catch up with my parents and no space for them to spend time with dd.

But, on the other hand, how on earth can I have my parents and my brother (who will drive past Granny's front door to get here) without including her? She would absolutely adore to come, would love to see my mum again. She doesn't mean to be annoying.

I suppose I just don't find her as annoying as other people in the family do. I refuse to be a party to the apparently accepted attitude in my family of making Granny a second class citizen, but I'm scared of doing the right thing and inviting her, when it will essentially be ruining a weekend that my parents and brother (and I) am really looking forward to.

I'm really churned up about this and wondered if a third party oppinion might help me decide what to do.

Cargirl - you tell me!!

There's a WHOLE other post there!

Well, I think you're obviously a very loving and giving person but it looks like it will ruin the weekend as planned, if you invite Granny.

Is that what you want? And will you tell your parents beforehand or just spring Granny on them?

Hi,

Have you tried to establish what Granny was like when she was younger and why your Mum seemingly dislikes her so much?. There are always reasons. You yourself say that she (granny) does not mean to be annoying. Somebody actually who likes to stir things up a bit and plays the victim is likely to be trouble and I think your Mother has seen a lot more in her own past with her than she has let on.

This problem though goes back years and is therefore likely deeper than you realise. Why do you think your Dad doesn't like her very much, this is likely because of the way they've been treated by her. I'm not saying that's the answer but I reckon its not far off.

Like many such situations it's been brushed under the carpet by all of them.

It may have been that Granny gave your Mother a very hard time when she was growing up in all sorts of ways. She has a different relationship with her Mum than you have with Granny so your opinions are of course different. I'm not saying that your opinion of Granny is wrong, your relationship with her is going to be of course different to her relationship with her daughter.

Age does not make people sometimes any easier to get along with and I think your Mother has a long memory. I think you need to respect the fact that they don't get on and leave it at that.

I would not have Granny to stay over in the circumstances. She has access to you and if you try to interfere in family dynamics and I think there is more to this than you are aware of, it will blow up in your face. You get on seemingly okay with all of them, keep it that way.

I think, regardless of how it might change the weekend, if she weren't invited I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

Your parents and brother will have plenty of time in years to come for weekends without Granny.

Stand your ground. Really admire you for your principles.

hhhmm. Given the amount we talk of toxic parents, there may be a very real reason your parents don't want her around that they are not telling you. It's tough on you though. No real solution, but do bear in mind your parents may have very valid reasons for how they feel.

It may well be that granny has been a bad parents in many ways but I find it odd that everyone else in the family seems to feel the same way but the OP doesn't. If it's an issue of past behaviour that has been hidden away why do some of the family know about it but not all.

I think it's just as likely to be that granny is a bit eccentric and annoying and they can't be bothered with her. People find it perfectly easy to be selfish and uncaring without any specific issues involved. The OP's mum might be feeling guilty about her mother for leaving her behind, and guilt can also make you quite resentful. And as for granny's son-in-law not liking her - well that's not unusual is it. My DH barely tolerates my mum - who is many of the things that the OP says about her granny TBH. But he simply finds her company annoying. Actually he feels the same about his mother

Anyway I don't really see why brocolli should simply go along with majority opinion with regards someone she cares about without any good reason given.