Just having a hard time….

[DamnitImTired]

So I’m posting this on the relationships board but I suppose it most has to do with the relationship I have with myself as well as my DH.

We got married 6 years ago after dating for 7 years. We met whilst I was on a hiatus back in my home country after an extended period of hard work in London and he was in the throes of a miserable acrimonious divorce. He has two children from his previous marriage (SS20 and SD16 now).

I’m at such a low point in my existence right now. 4 years of failed ivf means the likelihood of me being a mother is little. I’m really struggling to come to terms with the future and it’s bringing up all sorts of issues and thoughts.

I’ve shut my husband out and he knows it. He has already figured out the reason he has been shut out is because I blame him for things and obviously talking to the person you are angry with is difficult. I love him and I feel that if he heard my thoughts it wouldn’t be helpful in preserving our marriage. I feel like I should unpack everything on my own and come to terms with how things are going to be with as little disruption to our marriage as possible. It sounds so clinical but if I’m going to face a life without children then I’d rather do it with him than without him so I don’t want to hurt him. Does that make sense?

He is being patient with me and suggesting exercise or professional help but everytime he says that I think to myself that if he had a ‘well’ wife who was happy then he ‘wins’ … a happy
Childless wife. How perfect would that be for him?

I feel like I’ve never been chosen. Chosen to be a wife and now not chosen to be a mother. My DH and I got married late in my 30s and his divorce put so much strain on us and is perception of marriage that I feel like I fought like a heavy weight boxer to ‘prove’ that I was worthy and not going to be the same as his ex. The pursuit of motherhood has been the same. His son was born out of a one night stand with his ex who his then super religious family put pressure on him to ‘make it right’ and the his daughter was born in an attempt to save his marriage. So having children has been struggle for him and now for me. Why has everything been so hard?

When I think back to previous relationships I have always been a pleaser. I serve even to the point of disregarding my own respect. I’m so cross that I have never stood up and expressed my desires to be loved and to be a mother. I feel like I’ve always waited for the other person to see my worth. I waited for my husband to come to terms with his past marriage, I tore myself inside out proving that I would be a good wife before he could see. I waited for him to see that there are normal marriages and families all around us and that we could have that. But now it’s too late.

He is remorseful for his procrastination but I’m so angry that he has seen it so late.

Obviously I got here through my own choices in life and decisions but I can’t help but feel like I’ve just been a passenger on his life journey waiting for him to decide where we go next. I need to forgive myself for not knowing better.

He really is my best friend. And we have a good life otherwise. I feel like I’ve been running on hope for so long and now it’s gone. Ivf success has been the light we’ve been moving towards and now it’s been turned off.

Obviously Covid has not helped. We still live in my birth country but my family are not here, my parents and brother and sister and all their family are in the UK and travelling has been impossible for almost 2 years. I don’t have the
most open relationship with my mom or sister so probably wouldn’t offload on them but it would be a lovely distraction to see them and to be able to escape to somewhere familiar.

The problem though is that wherever I go…There I am.

I think you need to cut your husband some slack. A lot of people who are divorced don’t want to get married again. Not because they don’t see the worth of their subsequent SO, its because divorce is a painful process for everyone involved.

This is precisely why I always tell women to not pressure men into marriages. If a man wants to propose, he will. Ultimatums or pressure never works. It just breeds resentment for both parties in the end.

I think you should consider therapy (private and couples counselling) to work through this. You being ‘well’ isn’t just a happy ending for you him, but for you too. Why wouldn’t you want to better your MH? It’s like you enjoy basking in your melancholy?

Hi Op I'm not going to comment on your procrastination as you yourself have described it, but on the practicals of the failed IVF treatment.

I am a solo parent by choice (to be), so I'm coming from a slightly different angle here. What was the clinic's reason for the unsuccessful IVF? Is your husband's sperm normal or are there issues with sperm quality? If your own eggs aren't viable, would you consider donor eggs/embryo donation if the issue lied with both of you? What else have you explodes fertility wise?

I can understand the despair and lack of hope at the treatment failing, I'm sorry you're going through this.

@premium77 thanks for your reply. I guess I didn’t make it very clear that the reason I am struggling is because I’m conflicted between my feelings and knowing that I need to cut my DH some slack. I don’t want to lash out because ultimately what is best for all of us is a happy healthy marriage and I don’t want to ruin that. I fully understand that getting better is for me too. It’s all the conflicts between how you feel and knowing what is right, that’s what I’m searching for.

@anthurium poor egg quality and low reserve due to age (42). Donor eggs are an option I’m just not sure that my DH is mature emotionally enough to deal with it. Not sure I am either to be fair. But again… am I waiting for him to decide for us? Or do I risk saying it’s what I want.