Me and DH seem to be stuck in a rut, sexually

[sandyballs]

We've been together 20 years, met very young. We now have 6 year old DDs and are very happy together, we're great mates, laugh a lot, get on well generally, but when it comes to the sex side of things I feel we've let things slip since having kids and neither of us makes any effort now. We're lucky if it's once a month. We do talk about it a lot and try to find a reason why we're not doing it more and it seems to boil down to tiredness, lack of time, the usual family/work commitments.

It suddenly struck me last night that deep down I'm slightly annoyed at him for 'letting' us get to this stage, which the reasonable side of me thinks is very unfair, blaming him, if that makes sense. But however irrational it is, I do feel that as the bloke he should be making an effort and wanting more sex than this. How can he be happy at 39 years of age with sex once a month, if that? I thought blokes were supposed to be thinking of nooky every 4 minutes and up for it whenever and wherever.

He's past his sexual peak which hits a high at 18 for men but for women their peak is during their 30's-40's so at this stage i'd actually say it is you who should be pushing to have more sex so get yourself some nice underwear set the mood - perhaps a babysitter so you can have a lie in so you can rest after or in between without being disturbed so you can really get back into the swing then make an efort to put one night a week aside for the two of you to have quality time together, even if it is just a bath and a cuddle.

That's interesting. I do remember reading that somewhere. You're right I do perhaps need to make more effort too. We are lucky with baby sitters and do manage to get out on our own now and then. We tend to go to restaurants though and eat too much, then slob out when we get home . I think we need to change that.

I think it's really nice ou get along so well after 20yrs i really hope we manage to be like that! (currently 6yrs and loving each other more each day so far...)

When you do plan it make sure u send him naughty texts all day so by night time he can't wait! (ok so it might not last long but that just means you can do it again!)

Do you mix much with other people when you go out? I find it's sexy to seeing dh with other people when I'm talking to someone else; it makes me remember what I saw in him in the first place. Nice to see him dressed up and making an effort too. Know what you mean about slobbing out when you get home - try sex on the stairs when you get home (and you have got rid of the babysitter of course )!!

Wow- 20 years together, you need a medal . I reckon when a couple have been together a long time the sex does get crap and become less and less, so most people just concentrate on their family and their careers. its sad really but its a true fact of life.

I dont know what the answer is but hopefully can give you some better advice.

I think you're doing brilliantly.. i'm no Betty Dodson and have never been with anyone for 20 years, but one of the troubles for me is I am often much more interested in the morning than in the late evening. so my approach would be, if your kids are at school, both of you take a random Wednesday off, plan reasonably together outfit and underwear night before, get up earlier than usual, have slightly more leisurely than usual breakfast in bed for whole family, do school drop off in planned outfit (maybe all together? can you walk to school?) then go back to house and take a Bucks Fizz to bed... followed by delicious sleep somewhere around 11am... followed by late lunch (pub/restaurant if you can afford it, otherwise nice lunch that's easy and you both like)...

Don't talk about it just do it more - instigate it yourself - the less you have the less you want so turn it around This happens to the best of us at points in our lives and is just part of life. Most women I know have higher libidos than their dh's btw!

Very true that the more you have the more you want and vice versa. It's not that I even miss it particularly at the moment, it's just that I feel we ought to be making more effort. I would hate us to become completely sexless, living like brother and sister, at this reasonably young age.

He is a very attractive man and I know what you mean Moomin about watching him with other people.

Choosyfloosy - that sounds like an ideal kind of day to me .

Another thing, I think I've lost my sexual confidence. A couple of years back I would have easily sent him a saucy text and dressed up in foxy undies but now I feel a bit silly doing all that .

I agree - that sounds great choosy. Our best times were always during the day. Even before kids I preferred the afternoon. Now that's not really an option regularly and it's made a difference to us

I know what you mean about the sexual confidence thing i think that might come back after a bit... maybe just get back into the habit of more regular sex and make sure you compliment one another (about everyday things as well as in bed). I'm no supermodel but dh makes me feel sexy and desirable because he tells me everyday that he loves me and fancies me, and makes nice comments on regular basis.

Once you feel confident that you won't be rejected if you make a move, you'll start to feel a bit more adventurous about what you suggest etc. We're certainly not swinging from the chandeliers or tethering one another to the bedposts, and we don't manage to get round to it any more than 'average' - far from it at times, but we look forward to it and really enjoy it. All the better since dh had the snip as well!

i think you should lower your expectations and raise your effort! its totally normal to wane on the sexual interest after so long, and after kids and everything! god, a quick poll of my friends in long term relationships suggests 5 yrs is a bit of a cut off point to then get a bit slack.
i think you nailed it by saying about your sexual confidence. for me, feeling or looking attractive is actually more important than my partner looking attractive, i guess cos im more of an exhibitionist. i recently stopped breastfeeding so went and got measured for a bra and got some new underwear. a small, almost cliched thing, but it made me feel a bit sexier again.
do you experiment sexually? did you used to? we are just getting back into japanese rope bondage which was our thing before i got pregnant! im not at all suggesting thats for everyone, but just that getting a bit kinky can definately help. also, for me, a LITTLE jealousy is a great aphrodisiac, i think what Moomin says about hanging out with other people, as if you have to make a bit of an effort to get his attention rather than taking him for granted, well that can be pretty useful in providing incentive to work at flirting with him and stuff!

Thanks for all your messages. The kids stayed at a friends last night so things are looking brighter in the sandyballs household . We're both going to make a big effort to not let it be weeks and weeks before we manage it again.

i have what might seem like a really shallow idea but everyone else has given really good tips..
it's about sexual confidece, well i sometimes feel underconfident about the way i look without clothes and i find it boosts my confidence to have an all over spray tan done then you know you look great in sexy underwear and then when you feel sexy you are more sexy and so on and so on. I know that is dead shallow though!