Was I right to walk away?

[orzo15]

I ended things yesterday with a guy I've been seeing for 3 months. I am 29 and hes late 30s. Everything was great and I really liked him, we sleep over at each other's places and see each other a couple times week. We hadn't had a conversation about what we were so I brought it up and said are we in a relationship or can I call you my boyfriend type thing. He said he really likes me but needs to go slow and whilst he isn't seeing anyone else it's a big adjustment for him.

He split with his ex two years ago, they were married for a bit and lived together and got divorced year and a half ago. I also split with someone 2 years ago. He said he's fucked up and needs things slow and I said I understand that but I'm not asking for something super serious just if we're in a relationship, I think I deserve someone who is sure about me being their girlfriend 3 months in. And I think what made me walk away was his reaction, rather than being like but I really like you I don't want to lose you I just want to take it a bit slower or give it more time, he basically just said he's really gutted but yeah I do deserve that :(

I'm so gutted myself. I said to him that when I say I want someone to be sure at this stage, I don't mean for a lifelong commitment, just that they like me enough to want to be with me. So what I'm asking is did I make a mistake, or was I too demanding? Or am I right in wanting a bit more at this point and going out separate ways?

I'm so so upset :( I really saw this going somewhere

Yeah I think you did the right thing. He’s not the only man out there. Who wants to be messed around?

Exactly, I don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't sure about me. Im so gutted though and it's so tempting to think I'll just go with the flow until he's ready but that's not fair on me is it?

I think you've done exactly the right thing, although it's painful at the time. It sounds like he wants to keep his options open in case someone else comes along, or he wasn't feeling it but wasn't brave enough to say so (been there, done that with guys like this, best to nip it in the bud) Next

Its really hard walking away when you feel like you could hope and hang on for me. I know I need to be strong but part of me hopes he'll realise what hes lost and message me but I don't think he will :(

You have 100% done the right thing. Don’t let him string you along with false promises either when you know at heart he doesn’t want a real relationship.

He sounds immature you've done the right thing.

Sounds like he wants to sleep around.
Yes, you were right to end it.

I don't think he wants to sleep around necessarily because he said he's not seeing anyone else and we kind of spoke about that exclusiveness when we started sleeping together which was 4 dates in.

The thing is, we were basically in a relationship. We had toothbrushes at each other's apartment for when we stayed over, we went on lunch dates etc so what would it have changed? But I think him letting me walk away said a lot to me. If he was truly gutted he wouldn't want to lose me would he?

I think you are right. If he's stuck in the past or not "healed" yet then it's really difficult to be the person around that.

It's complicated but I've recently split from someone who turned out to be a cheat, player and all the rest. He was in his 40s and had seperated from his ex in 2019. Met me in September 2020. He had lived with her for the best part of a year and was single for 20 months roughly at that point.

He started talking about his ex alot. In a weird way. I didn't like it at all but tried to be mature about it. But they had also remained friends which meant he was still emotionally attached to her. They were always in touch. They met for a cuppa still. Her photos were in his house. Honestly it was weird. We split in march for a few weeks. Whilst apart I found out he had cheated on her and they split because of him constantly playing about. (baffled why she still bothered with him)

We got back together in late April but it didn't last long. He was banging on about her within days of us getting back together. Apparently she had done some research on vaccines after her family pressured her to have the covid jab. Then she had educated him on her research. Then the next day he was reminising about buying her charm bracelets and the brand of sandals she wore. I ended it the week after. Was sick to death of hearing about her.

In my case he can't commit because of her. He Denys until he's blue in the face he'd ever go back there but he's not over her.

I think you've done right. You can't wait around like you are in a house sale waiting for the past to sell so you can have what you want to buy.

Sorry for the long reply. In sure your situation is very different. But he's not over his past from what you've said.

Hadnt lived that should say (they were together 8-9 years ,

Well, you've only been seeing each other for 3 months, you're exclusive and seeing where things went right? I wouldn't have wanted that convo after 3 months and I've always been a long term commitment type of person.

He's divorced so may be quite rightly wanting to take things slowly and not make the same mistakes he did in his marriage.

My boyfriend of a year told me he loved me very early on and it took me about 6 months to really feel the same plus I was wary after spending so many years with men who started off great and then were jealous and controlling.

Don't know. I think maybe you jumped the gun at only 3 months in.

I don't think he'll contact you even if he did really like you because you've made your position crystal clear.

About a month ago he told me he really liked me etc and he could see this going somewhere and he was absolutely all over me. Two days later he was off with me all day. I feel like he blows hot and cold and I guess I wanted a little added security that he felt the same as me. I feel stupid now for bringing it up too early but there's no going back :( I feel dreadful

Ah no, hot and cold can piss right off. You made the right decision

Argh I'm feeling so crap about this today. Wondering if I should have just carried on. I think it's the fact he never mentioned going slow, about a month ago he made me feel like things were going to be something long term the stuff he was saying, and asking about stopping using condoms etc. I don't understand it all. But I guess I don't want someone who says he's fucked up from his ex, it's too much pressure for me to feel like I'll never be quite enough. I feel like I won't meet someone else that I really clicked with now. We had great chemistry and had some really deep conversations early on :(

Blowing hot and cold is a massive red flag. You deserve so much better than that.

Did you ever get to the bottom of why he was 'off' with you that day? Did you ask?

I asked and he said nothing was up so I just left it as didn't want to bother him too much. Then things were ok but just felt like he was cooler than initially.

He dated someone for a couple months around December time that he wasn't that into he said and I fear that's what was happening with me. About a month ago he said it was completely different with me and could really see it going somewhere and he told his friends after 2 dates he felt like things could go somewhere with me. I've never put any pressure on it at all, but I feel like sleeping together very quickly and cooking for him and things like that, he was having the benefits of a relationship but I feel would drag it out because calling me his girlfriend is too much of a big step for him

@SpindleWhorl

Did you ever get to the bottom of why he was 'off' with you that day? Did you ask?

It doesn't really matter why, though, does it? It showed that's his way of dealing with a disagreement (even if the other person doesn't know what the disagreement was about.) It shows he's immature and has vey poor communication skills. It's also usually something picked up in childhood and not easily changed.