This isnt love is it?

[Arielgreen]

Been with dp for 3 years. We have a six month old. He constantly hurts me. Unintentionally maybe so but at this point it might as well be deliberate because he does nothing to change it. I've constantly moved me and baby out of our home because he has made our living situations so unbearable for me. I buy the I'm going to be better story. I give him countless chances. He tells me what I want to hear to get me back but once I'm there he never follows through with his promises of a better him. Even though he has had the scare of losing me and our child he has still hurt me. I'm at a loss of what to do. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he cares. But this isnt love is it? Love is naturally putting someone before yourself and all he knows what to do is think of himself. He never considers how his actions affect me or our child. I'm tired of fixing his mess. How can he confidently say he loves me?! Surely this isnt it? Love is selfless. Does he genuinely believe his own lie or is this some kind of toxic warped version of love? Me and my baby deserve better...

You and your baby do deserve better
It sounds as if he has had numerous chances to improve this relationship.. and although he makes the right noises .. he doesn't ever change

That's the point .. people don't really change
It's about finding compatibility with someone with the same values ambitions and level of respect that you hold yourself

You don't sound happy at all
Can you leave ? Tell him to leave ?
Do you have family or friends to support you ?
Is he likely to get violent ?
Think of your baby in years to come you'd not accept this for them would you ? Think of how you are raising and what they are going to see as " normal"
Good luck 💐

When you say he hurts you, how? If it's unintentional then he is very clumsy and is bumping into you, opening doors on you etc.
If he's hitting you or similar then he knows exactly what he's doing. LEAVE

I'm not happy because I dont feel loved at all. I'm depressed that if this is love this is what the rest of my life is set up for. I want to be with someone who cares about me enough to actually try to change. I never expected him to fix up over night but it's his consistent bad behaviour which weighs me down. I'm always forgiving him and always fixing our relationship. When I dont want to anymore there isnt anything left

@inappropriateraspberry not physically. Emotionally

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care for you.
Leave and don’t go back, ever.
You are wasting your life.

You and your baby do deserve better. Its unfair on the child to keep moving them in and out of the house.

However, you have made the choice to believe him and repreat this pattern several times. You aren't responsible for the choices he makes but you are responsible for the ones you make yet you speak as though you have no control.

I would say though that love isn't being selfless and putting the other person before yourself everytime. It's perfectly reasonable to put yourself first and do what is right for you it's just that that shouldn't impact negatively on anyone else.

At the moment, your choices will be impacting negatively on the baby and yet you are still making them because you also want the relationship. Yet you love your baby.

Your relationship isn't going to improve so put yourself and your baby first.

My dp is inconsiderate and doesnt think about consequences or how something will negatively impact me. He is only good at thinking about himself and therefore it's me and dc that always end up feeling upset from what he does. He always put his best interests before our own. Yet he is convinced he deserves for me to let him try again because he will "be better" even though surely if it was that simple he would of done it already

Ah, ok. He knows what he's saying. You don't say something by accident. It doesn't sound like a good environment to raise your child. A single parent is 10 times better than unhappy parents together.

No, that isn't love.
But you need to love AND PROTECT your child, and make sure you both are in a safe environment

So what are you going to do ? What's the next step now you have realised things are never going to change and you don't want to live this shit life anymore ?

It’s an immature love from a person lacking in emotional maturity

Can he grow up and show empathy for others?

You leaving has an effect on him so to get you back he says this and that

You return so he is ok which means everything can go back to “normal”

Then you leave again as he’s not empathetic towards you

Then he repeats the above

How do you break the cycle? Either he learns to grow up or you break up for good

Leave before your baby isn’t a baby. Build a better, happier life for you both. Better to be alone than lonely and unloved in a relationship.

@inappropriateraspberry he knows exactly what he is saying and doing. At this point his apologies mean nothing to me and hold no value because thats all he does and expects me to forgive him. He never has intention of actually doing anything. He hurts me then cries because he feels bad and expects me to come running and tell him how he can make it all better and then stay. It's a constant cycle. He has proven to me time and time again he cant be bothered to put effort in to changing. He is only good when we are good in our relationship. When times get hard or things get hard he becomes impossible to communicate with and inconsiderate. I'm exhausted.

I am living with a DH who said that he’s going to change. Guess what - he hasn’t. They don’t. You just end up going round and round in circles until one day you’ve had enough.
But while you’re waiting to have had enough you re wasting your life and confusing your child.

@ivykaty44 that's so true. He is only nice and "good" to me when were good. As soon as things dont go his way he switches. I dont think he has the capability of the emotional maturity that's needed. He is always too busy crying and becoming a pity party to even fix up. I'm usually the one having to wipe away his tears when he hurts me

OP, love is not words, it’s deeds. He is all talk and no walk. Saying he loves you while treating you badly is simply lying to try and deny his behaviour and persuade you to stay.
You have already given him more chances than he deserves. Next time you leave, make it permanent, for your sake and your baby’s sake.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Who taught you that you had to try and fix people?. You cannot fix him and you will destroy yourself and your child by further trying to. Abuse is not a relationship problem, abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over both you and in turn your child. Such men also hate women, ALL of them.

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he is showing you is a continuous one and your child will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken.

You need to get off this merry go around permanently for your sake as well as your child's. This is no relationship model for your child either to be witnessing.

I would urge you to rebuild your life without him in it day to day. If he wants to see his child then he should use a contact centre.

Womens Aid are well worth reaching out to here and I would urge you to contact them asap. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme as this can be done online too.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not.

[quote Arielgreen]@inappropriateraspberry he knows exactly what he is saying and doing. At this point his apologies mean nothing to me and hold no value because thats all he does and expects me to forgive him. He never has intention of actually doing anything. He hurts me then cries because he feels bad and expects me to come running and tell him how he can make it all better and then stay. It's a constant cycle. He has proven to me time and time again he cant be bothered to put effort in to changing. He is only good when we are good in our relationship. When times get hard or things get hard he becomes impossible to communicate with and inconsiderate. I'm exhausted.[/quote]
Oh, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

It's not your job to make him feel better - he's playing you and knows exactly what he's doing. If he can't handle life as a family then he'll be better off on his own and so will you.

@inappropriateraspberry I literally said this to him. He is better off on his own. It comes more naturally to him. He cant be bothered to lift a finger for us. Yes he is great when we are good. But that's about it. He told me we should be together because I better his life. But he doesnt for me. So that's telling of it all

You should improve each other's lives, not improve his to the detriment of yours (and your child's).
I'm so glad you realise this, I've read too many threads where they just don't want to admit the problem properly. I think you will all be happier apart.

So he said you should be together you make his life better? Does he realise how utterly selfish that statement is? His definition of a good relationship is being with someone who makes his life better.

It has to go both ways of couse. And it doesn't. So there's your answer.