Moral dilemma..abusive ex p

[NotTheMeIWantToBe]

If you were in an abusive relationship that destroyed you and you happened to see that person had moved on to his next victim would you feel the need to warn her?

I wont, obviously..i'd seem like a crazy ex and i'm pretty sure me messaging her out of nowhere wouldn't go down well. I know that when I was in that relationship I blamed myself constantly and it wasn't until 5 years into it that people started being honest with me..his own friend told me he did the same to everyone and it took him to see how much I was struggling for him to finally come out with it (loyalty to his friend) But the damage was done by then.

So I say nothing, and let him do it to another one. He'll never be held accountable for his actions as despite the new so called laws, emotional abuse is impossible to prove.

It doesn't sit right with me at all. I'd never want another woman to go through what I did with him. His actions destroyed my friendships, my family, my health, my mum's health. I always wished that one of his exs had spoken up, told me the truth at the time (we had mutual friends) but they didn't interfere (cant say I blame them).
I feel guilty for not saying anything but let's face it, sisterly solidarity only exists in films , she would most likely tell me to fuck off. It's not worth the hassle it would cause me?

She wont believe you .

You could try reporting him for coercive control if you have sufficient evidence.

However you will still be painted as the crazy ex trying to get revenge.

It's hard, you want to protect others from this poisonous person but I think it will put you in danger over again and she will not believe you.

Interesting. My exes ex got in contact with me 6 months before they split and starting asking questions. Long story short he did to her what he'd done to me. She said she wouldn't have believed me if I'd have told her in the beginning, so pointless.

I might send her a brief message saying that you're the ex, and if she ever wants to know why you left, to just reach out.

I would stay quiet. She won't believe you. People told me my exh was abusive and I just couldn't see it at the time.

For those who were warned by an ex or acquaintances, when did you start to realise they were abusive after initially not believing?

No, no point.

By the time you find out he is seeing someone he would have already convinced her that you are the crazy ex who tries to ruin him.

They you appear with accusations of abuse and all of a sudden, that's the proof he needed to back up his story.

I think it can actually make the situation worse for the new partner. Because they are convinced they have seen proof of how awful the ex was. When he starts with them it will be 'I am sorry, my crazy ex fucked me up so much. I love you and am trying to deal with the trauma'.

My exh first girlfriend, posts split, was told all sorts of awful stuff about me. I kept out of it. Then as time went on, she started becoming slightly obsessed and was stalking me on Instagram. But she did realise what a dick he was within about 13 months and they broke up. I think if I had played into his hands, she would have stayed longer.

Oddly, she still stalks me online

If you happen to know anyone who you have in common, like a friend of a friend type thing, I'd maybe be sure to tell them what he was like, but I'd not bother with contacting his new GF in person.
I'd leave it to her own friends/family to help her see what he's like.

I might send her a brief message saying that you're the ex, and if she ever wants to know why you left, to just reach out.
Yes. I manufactured a reason to meet exH new partner so she has a route if she ever wants to ask anything

Keep quiet, you will just confirm the stories he has told her about you. He will have already preempted such a thing and taken steps to ensure you will not be believed.

So I say nothing, and let him do it to another one.

You're not "letting" him do anything - you're not his keeper and you don't have any power over him to be responsible for his actions either way.

You don't have the power to stop him, which also means you don't have the power to "let" him abuse anyone.

The person to blame here is him. It is bad enough his abuse managed to convince you that you were to blame for what he did to you, but his voice is still so loud in your head and that belief so strong that you feel to blame for him abusing someone new. No.

You are not. Those were his lies.

He is to blame. The police and our shit and inadequate structures for protecting women from abusers are to blame.

The nature of abuse, with the grooming and escalating process deployed by abusers, means that most targets won't believe or see what is happening until it becomes more overtly damaging unless they've been educated on how to understand and identify coercive control.

If they cannot detect the warning signs of an early abuser themselves they will not believe a third party intervention at that stage. That's why educating the wider population on the early warning signs of abuse and abusive dynamics is so vital to protect anyone targeted by an abuser (abusive dynamics so people can spot the control and power dynamic of abuse regardless of specific tactics used or personality variations - not ticklists of "if he does x, y and z then he's abusive" as that leaves victims saying things like "but he only does x and y so he can't be abusive" when x and y involve punching holes in walls and sexual abuse.)

By the time you find out he is seeing someone he would have already convinced her that you are the crazy ex who tries to ruin him.

They you appear with accusations of abuse and all of a sudden, that's the proof he needed to back up his story.

I think it can actually make the situation worse for the new partner. Because they are convinced they have seen proof of how awful the ex was. When he starts with them it will be 'I am sorry, my crazy ex fucked me up so much. I love you and am trying to deal with the trauma'.

Absolutely. Abusers begin laying the groundwork to control their new target from the very beginning. Don't underestimate this - abuse is not casual and accidental, it is deliberate and calculated and already there well before they start to drop the charming facade with their target.

Absolutely not!

I have no interest in policing my exes new relationships, he is going to meet someone again and isn’t going to stay single forever so how long would you keep it up?

Another poster saying she won’t believe you. My abusive ex is in a new relationship with someone I’ve been told is a lovely person via mutual friends. He will abuse her. One mutual friend told me her heart sank when she found out about their relationship because she knows some of the shit I went through and she knows the new girlfriend has a history of choosing abusive men.

I completely understand the need to tell but please don't reach out as you will appear unhinged and feed into whatever narrative he has told her.

An ex tried to warn me but I didn't want to get involved as it felt like drama and I just didn't want to be part of it. If she is "normal" this is how she will feel. If she has no experience of abusive men she will not even consider that he is abusive. This is how I was...completely naive to toxic individuals. Had I posted on MN I would have been saying I had met this incredible man, he wasn't perfect but seemed perfect for me. This is because he mirrored me so effectively. I knew he had a messy break up previously but believed "that they were very different people, got together at a young age and she was much more upset about the break up" It seemed very plausible. The reality was he had messed with her head for years, had affairs (whilst implying she had affairs), was controlling and had cut out anyone from his life who would give a different view of him. He did the exact same with me so I know OW will have the same fate.

There is however lots you can do to raise awareness of emotional abuse. Support charities, follow accounts of those who are trying to change laws and generally increase awareness into abusive personalities. Disordered individuals are not rare in our society however they are rarely diagnosed so statistics are unrepresented.

Many people will be unfortunate to form a relationship with an abusive character and the signs often don't appear until later into a relationship. There is usually a trigger for the abuse to start, often a shift in power or in the case of NPD it's once the unsuspecting partner has fallen off the pedestal.

I would like to thank that maybe there is someone reading this right now who is with a man who has a "crazy ex" maybe she has an instinct deep down that she has ignored. Hopefully she will question him more and that could save her from the bad experiences.

*think

You're all absolutely right of course. I wouldn't have believed it at first either. When we first got together his ex would NOT leave us alone, she found me on social media and gave me non stop abuse, found out where I lived and threatened me, so I believed him when he said she was crazy and she was the reason for his tempers due to the stress she was causing us. I think now he probably drove her to it.

He was possessive due to one ex cheating on him. Another was an alcoholic which was why I wasn't allowed to drink at all in the house. Another was violent which was why if I woke him up he'd lash out etc etc. All excuses for his behaviour. He tells people he finished with me because I would drink to excess, that was rubbish, I didn't drink one drop unless we went for a meal which was rare. I had a drink every time he walked out for a few days after a huge row and load of abuse because I was upset and I couldnt sleep otherwise. Not only that, I was the one who finally finished it. By then of course he'd convinced me I had a problem which i'd admitted to a couple of people he was close to because I believed it myself at the time. So if his new gf ever asked them, his family would probably say it was true, they dont have any idea of the terrible things he used to say and do to me. He always had this brilliant way of twisting a situation around. I saw him do it with other people many times.

I just hope she doesn't ignore the red flags like I did. He comes across as harmless and not very bright, (a bit of a lovable cheeky Del boy sort of character) but he's far from.

Sounds like my ex husband (your description, different narrative re: women).