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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It keeps happening!

21 replies

Pfft20 · 26/06/2021 06:27

Everything here has been kicking off after the last few days. Its like I can't do anything right and I'm starting to feel trapped, constantly watching what I'm doing and saying. My kid is with us full time and we have his kids EOW, we both work full time.

It started earlier on in the week, I asked if he had heard anything from his ex, kids mum, just to generally see how his kids are, what they've been upto and all that jazz. He got super pissed off that I'd asked and it turned into a rant about.. you can't trust me if you keep asking, if there's anything to report I'd tell you blah blah. So, I've not asked all week and now he thinks I don't give a sh!t about his kids. So there's tiff number 1.

Friday night, kids are here for the weekend.. YAAAAAY! Family time. Music in the background, kids playing nicely. It comes to settling everyone down for bed, my kid tidied their mess up they made with tea and went upto bed. 1 down 2 to go.
We tidy before we get cleaned up for the night, he takes one room I did the other. Both equally as untidy. He goes for his shower, I try and settle the kids but his oldest wants their dad and doesn't listen to me one iota when it comes to bedtime. So he comes down all p!ssed off that they aren't settled. I say, I tried this and that but they had none of it, you know what they're like when they want you. So off he stomps, then comes back into me.. theres no bread or effing milk. 9pm my shoes go on and I go to the shop.
Come back, ran a bath and got in it. He comes upstairs.. im shattered, you don't do anything to help me. You sat on your phone for 10 minutes. You left me to tidy the worse room. Why didn't you buy this and this when you went to the shop earlier.
But then because I say things in return such as, we tidied a room each and I went to the shop to get what we needed. It p!sses him off even more like he wants me to agree that I'm useless or whatever.
These bashings about how I dont do enough happen almost every night. We share housework equally but if I dare forget to do one thing it turns into a rant.
I'm not the kind of person who will list everything I've done like I've done all this, what have you done. It is what it is, if he doesn't do something, I'll do it. I won't have a pop about it. He always picks up on the things I haven't done rather than looking at all the things I did do. It's wearing me out a little bit. I'll get to stage where I just switch off and I'll end up leaving. As much as I love him.

OP posts:
Onlinedilema · 26/06/2021 06:33

It's his job to settle his own children for bed not yours. Tell him to stop having a go at you when you have done the housework. Tel him every time in a calm voice. Start to list the things you do if he calls you out on it. If he cares on you have serious issues.

Pfft20 · 26/06/2021 06:46

I did, I said about the room each and he rolled his eyes and said you always have to have the last word.
Like yeah course I'm going to defend myself, I'm not just going to sit here and let you talk to me that way.

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 26/06/2021 06:49

What do you love about him? Because he sounds like a whining pig to me.

rainbowstardrops · 26/06/2021 06:51

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?
I agree though, he should be putting his own children to bed.

Clickbait · 26/06/2021 06:51

He sounds like a bit of an arse OP. Lecturing you like you're a child, when you've been helping him with his kids all evening? Fuck that!

Fromage · 26/06/2021 07:05

This man dislikes you intensely.

Leshan · 26/06/2021 07:11

He's an arse.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2021 07:11

You should have already left him and you know it. None of this is ever going to get better.

Melitza · 26/06/2021 07:12

Well this isn't going to improve is it?
Go and live in peace with your own dc.

Dontwanttobeatwat · 26/06/2021 07:13

He sounds really horrible :( it feels like you can't do anything right on purpose and he's turning everything into a massive deal just to be able to have a go at you

IsItAKindofDream · 26/06/2021 07:17

Why are you exposing your child to his behaviour?
Your child deserves better. You deserve better.

Shoxfordian · 26/06/2021 07:46

Not much to love about that

unicornsarereal72 · 26/06/2021 07:55

Make a plan to leave him. What example are you setting your child. My mum married one of these. She worked terrible long hours and come
Home and did everything. He sat and watched tv and smoked and dominated our home. We left home as soon as we could. It has affected my adult relationships and only now 30 years on have I had time and space to understand I don't have to be a complete doormat for some scraps of affection. I would rather be alone.

DerbyshireMama · 26/06/2021 08:01

@unicornsarereal72

Make a plan to leave him. What example are you setting your child. My mum married one of these. She worked terrible long hours and come Home and did everything. He sat and watched tv and smoked and dominated our home. We left home as soon as we could. It has affected my adult relationships and only now 30 years on have I had time and space to understand I don't have to be a complete doormat for some scraps of affection. I would rather be alone.
This was my husband. I left before my daughter's first birthday. Sometimes I feel guilty that she'll never know a "proper family"...and then I see a post like yours and know I did the right thing.
ThatOtherPoster · 26/06/2021 08:06

I'll get to stage where I just switch off and I'll end up leaving.

No time like the present! 📦

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2021 08:09

What are you getting out of this?.

Why are you together at all?. Its not at all working out and he is a poor example of a male role model to your child. What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he/she learning here from you?.

This is who he is and such men do not change. Do you not think you deserve more from a relationship?.

MarshmallowAra · 26/06/2021 09:09

This is an unpopular view and I'll get flamed bit I'll see it anyway; the number of divorced/separated men with kids - who are good partners - is minute.

Most women don't end relationships with good partners, especially when they have kids with them. To the contrary they put up.with shit until it's absolutely unbearable/unfeasible. Men rarely leave unless they're kicked out or cheat/move on to another woman.

The fact that they are a separated/divorced father is generally a sign that they're a bit of a waste of space.

They move on very quickly to another woman for "services" - sex, company, cooking, entertaining and caring for their kids for the minimal time they have them for (they usually wouldn't even have them if they could do so without paying child maintenance). They just exploit women, and they're just exploiting you. They're not good partners and not usually good parents either. Too much effort.

MarshmallowAra · 26/06/2021 09:15

The other horrible irony about these blokes is that women who've had one .. and ended up divorced/separated from them, often just end up with another; because we've been socialised to validate ourselves by being in a couple, and also the women often feel (wrongly) they have to prove to themselves and others that it wasn't their fault the marriage/partnership broken down and they can have a successful partnership with another man etc. etc and end up getting into relationships with one of these waste of space blokes because there's very little else put there past the 30s (20s even in some places).

MarshmallowAra · 26/06/2021 09:16

*out there

Buffal0B1ll6 · 26/06/2021 21:29

I hate being criticism

A quick solution is to have some cartons of long life milk in the house & some of those part baked rolls or frozen

Secondly, why should you pick up the lack of his parenting.

Personally, I would rather live on my own with my children, than be unhappy

EKGEMS · 26/06/2021 23:46

Damn! I find it hard to believe he's had a failed first marriage! Can't believe he hasn't been divorced twice yet!

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