Am I allowed to not care?

[chelle862]

Just after my daughter was born last year, DH GM rang DH and cried that his mum had been on the phone to her crying because she hadn't had any pictures of baby (he's been NC for over 16 years)

24 hours after my daughter was born he goes to have it out with his mother, fair enough, long time coming but wrong time when you have a fresh baby at home.

We were staying at my mums, closer to the hospital etc and GM was supposed to look after the cat. DH left me and baby for 6+ hours a day to go and check on the cat and supposedly catch his GM out 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄

I was desperately trying to breastfeed, I hadn't eaten all day, my mum had come home and was cooking me tea, I put baby down to go for a wee, DH walks in, picks DD up and says, she's hungry, why haven't you fed her? You haven't bloody been here all day and you come in and tell me I'm starving her when she's been on my boobs for well over 90 minutes and I needed a wee!! Go home, go away, I don't want you here.

Goes home, full of remorse, blah blah blah wants to come back etc. GM rings DH (whilst I was there) If she is trying to make you choose between me and THAT baby, that id ruined their happy (!) family and me and that baby should burn in hell where we belong. He stood there and said nothing.

GM now has cancer. DH is upset. Now. I would do anything for him, to be there for her should shit hit the fan, but I don't care. I don't care about her. Why should I? Apparently I should? Should I? Would you?

I'll be honest. I'd have ended it a year ago probably.

His concern and priority appears to be him and what he wants. And his entire family sound toxic. is this what you need in your baby 's life?

I honestly wonder if he is just used to them saying these sort of terrible things. He is NC with his mum for a reason.

How is he normally, when there isn't this crisis family crud going on? Personally I would have nothing to do with her, if he wants to, whatever, but if you want to stay with him, discussing them would need to be off the table for me.

Nope you don't need to care for her. Given how she's behaved why would you care for her.

The sad thing is, I think he is used to them saying horrible things. No one seems to really care for him, its all fake.

Normally he's pretty good, bit lazy at times but he does his fair share in the house, runs around after us when needed.

I don't want anything to do with her, she's never apologised. I don't want to care about her, he's insisting I should. He was telling me about her consultant and waiting for 5 weeks and all I could say was okay because I can't say what I would actually like to say. I'm a horrible person.

You should be able to say how you feel to him and feel secure that his reaction will be supportive. His old bag o a GM isnt the issue - its his inability to prioritise you and your baby. Worrying and worthy of drawing a line in the sand over.

Nope.

You are not a horrible person.

You just have boundaries and will not condone her abuse. A reasonable person wouldn't have said what she did, but the certainly would of apologised if they were rude to you.

You are going to teach your baby that they deserve to be treated with respect. Abuse is not normal.

Well done OP.

Shitty people get cancer too. If someone said these things, I would have zero compunction to completely go/remain NC regardless of their health issues. Focus on you and your baby.

@chickenyhead thank you 😊

If he wants to have a relationship with her, by all means. I just don't want to know.

I think that's what hurts, we didn't come first. He says it's his actions, but if she hadn't of started it. Just congratulate him and move on.

She ruined the beginning of my daughters life, I won't let her ruin anymore of it. I just don't want to care about her or anything she does or has. I just wanted to make sure I'm right I'm thinking I don't have to. Thank you all x

You certainly don't have to.

Explain to him that you understand that he feels that he needs to maintain that relationship. However, although you care for him deeply, given how she has behaved you are not willing to open yourself up for more of the same.

You don't object to him going, you don't wish her ill and you will be there for him when he gets home. But you will not be dragged into their unhealthy way of communicating again under any cicircumstances.

You've got this. Trust yourself.

I’d probably say, I feel sad for you DP, even tho I can’t genuinely feel sad about her.

I mean, it sounds like you don’t even know her to be honest, after all the years of NC, so for you to be devastated would obviously be fake.

Pull someone else there...

Eeek, wrong thread ^^

@Lovelydiscusfish

I’d probably say, I feel sad for you DP, even tho I can’t genuinely feel sad about her.

I mean, it sounds like you don’t even know her to be honest, after all the years of NC, so for you to be devastated would obviously be fake.

The back story is a slight red herring. Most of us probably aren't sad when a partners extended family member we don't really know gets sick or dies, beyond being sad for the partner. That's normal. You support them without bringing yourself in to it.

I like my MIL just fine, but I've only met her twice as she lives overseas. If she died I can't say I would be devasted as I don't know her, obviously I'd be upset for my dp though.

There's an expression that I'm told was originally Irish that I've found useful at funerals where I hardly knew the deceased, but have some connection to the bereaved: "I'm sorry for your loss." It's perfectly possible to feel and show empathy for a friend, relative or colleague who is clearly suffering, without having any real feelings about the person who has died, or is suffering some terrible disease. As Lovelydiscusfish says, it would be fake if you made a pretence. Let DH know that he has your full moral support, but would feel a hypocrite if you pretended to be as distressed as he is. No need to mention her previous unkindness; he's probably uncomfortably aware of the hurt she has caused.