What should I do? What would you do?

[needsolidadvice]

I am at a real crossroads in my life and would really appreciate some advice. I have been married just over 20 years. Just for information it was an arranged marriage and for the first few years we were happy. For the last 15 years on and off I have not been very happy and I am not sure what to do. We have 3 children and two almost grown up. My husband and I have such huge differing opinions on literally everything. We have opposing views on how to bring up children, and generally we don't agree on anything. I have thought of leaving him many times but can't bring myself to it. He is sometimes really nasty to me and says the most awful things about me, my family, my appearance etc. He is also very strict with the children which I am against. My older two children are getting more and more withdrawn and I feel it's down to him. I am financially stable and have a good salary/job. He has never been violent but sometimes I feel his words are worse than physical violence. He denies any wrongdoing and always has a reason for what he said/did. What should I do? Do I stay in this marriage as we've been together so long or should i pluck up the courage and ask him to leave. All my friends/family have no idea how I feel and they think we are a happy family which couldn't be further from the truth.

Do you love him? Do you feel under his control? Does he have a good relationship with the children?

Definitely, definitely, without hesitation, leave. As soon as possible. For the sake of yourself and your kids. But get everything sorted quietly and then go quietly. Don't tell him you're leaving until you've sorted a temporary place to leave and prepared for the divorce. Just to be on the safe side - he sounds horribly cruel. You don't know how he would react and better to be safe.

sometimes I feel his words are worse than physical violence

Psychological abuse can do greater harm and take longer to recover from than physical violence. It's well documented, so don't doubt your assessment of the situation in that respect.

It is very worrying if your children are becoming withdrawn in response to the situation they're living in. That for me would be reason to end the relationship so they can have a calm, safe, predictable home and live mentally healthy lives. Feeling safe is so critical to child development and human health in general.

Have you done any thinking or planning on the practical side? Solicitor? Finances? Living arrangements? Anybody you trust to confide in about the reality of your life?

Having lived miserably for the last 15 years is no reason to live miserably for the next 15 years.

I would leave. You deserve a much better life than constant insults and arguments. If you are financially stable with a good job can you afford to move out and get your own place? Imagine how much you can transform your kids lives as well as your own by proving a stress-free home. You deserve to be happy.

Leave. Verbal & emotional abuse is still abuse.

Not that he has to be abusive for you to end your relationship, you don't need a reason, you don't have to justify your feelings.

What is your financial situation? Do you own the home? Do you work?

Please leave. Your children will be scarred forever.

Blimey, 15 years unhappy?

From the timing, it sounds as if things got more difficult when parenting got more challenging - perhaps balancing the needs of 2 or 3 children. That's not unusual and if you don't agree on how to parent, not surprising.

If this feels like a sudden realisation, maybe it's worth exploring with counselling. But if you've been thinking like this for a long time... you don't need anyone's permission to end a relationship.

If you’ve given it 15 years and it hasn’t got better it’s not going to now. Do you really want to waste another 15 years of your life? As your children are almost grown up I think now is the perfect time. Can you financially manage if you were to live alone? If not I’d be sorting this first by getting a secure job and put some money away for rent.

You should leave.

It's fantastic that you have a good career and could manage financially.

Remember 50% of any marital.assets are yours too as a starting point.

You should ask him to leave, definitely. But you need to do so safely.

Woukd your family be supportive if they knew the truth? Or will they think you should stay no matter what?

But no you shouldn't stay with him, just because you've been with him a long time.

Be safe
Be free
X

You leave, that's what you do, and as quickly as possible. Your husband is abusive and you've already given him enough of your life. Call a solicitor asap and get out of there.

I would leave

You should leave, if you have tried your all in 15yrs and you don't see any good future.
I think my parents should have divorced way earlier because we all knew their marriage was not good, my mom stayed for the sake of the kids but when they finally did we were good with it. Now my dad is happy, remarried and my mom is happy too, able to travel lots, things which my dad restricted her.

If you're not happy, then you must do something to change what is making you unhappy.

If that means getting a divorce from your husband, then that's what you must do.

I don't believe anyone should 'put up with' being miserable/unhappy in any relationship, ever.

I don't know whether or not you could rely on support/help from your family, but you will get support and good advice in how to split safely from your husband from Womens Aid.

Our house is a local authority house which we were in the process of buying. I have cancelled the application and I am now buying this house just in my name (I see this as my security for my future). He doesn't have a good relationship with the children. They come to me for EVERYTHING and if I advise/guide them wrong in his opinion then he blames me for EVERYTHING. My youngest is only 6 and he barely spends any quality time with her and he never spent any quality time with the elder two children. It's down to me to do ALL the recreational activities and all the non stop dropping and picking up from everywhere. I also work full time and earn the same money as him. He also has other side businesses and earns quite a bit of money from those, however he expects me to do all the housework/cleaning etc. He sometimes helps with the cooking. I have been feeling like this for about 18-19 years and I really don't know what to do. My gut is telling me I'm better of without him, however I feel like I will miss having a companion. My family would support me fully, however they would prefer if I stayed in the relationship for the sake of the children.

If your relationship is not good, then this is not an example you wish to have for your children.
Better to separate and be happy as an individual, so they can see you don’t need a partner to be happy.