Need advice about my marriage!

[Fluffy94]

Hi,
So I normally read mumsnet quite a lot to get real opinions. This is my first ever post. Here goes… So me and my husband are having some problems, I’ve been through quite a lot mentally, I was on antidepressants for 10 years, since I was 17. I came off them a few months ago, it was really hard, my husband seemed to feel like what I was going through wasn’t real and couldn’t understand how much I relied on them. I had the implant put in, so hormones are all over the place. We have 2 children 6 and 7. My sex drive hasn’t really been the same since I’ve had the children, and it seems to have gotten worse. He tries it on (daily basis) and I’m not in the mood, he says I’m cheating on him and he might aswell get it somewhere else because I can’t give him what he wants. I mean we do have sex at least once a week. I work full time, go to college, keep a clean house, make dinners… u know, I just do everything. By the time I get into bed, I just want to chill. Anyway on more than one occasion he’s threatened to leave me, all because of the sex thing. He also calls me a sl*g because I’m ‘cheating’, he can be really nasty and spiteful with his words. I really don’t want to be with him anymore, I don’t feel attracted to him. He literally makes me cringe sometimes. If we weren’t together, he wouldn’t help with money and wouldn’t bother seeing the kids. I’d have to give up my job as it doesn’t fit around the children. I can’t afford to leave him, I feel trapped. Without him I wouldn’t be able to afford my car, I wouldn’t be able to take the kids anywhere, we do quite a lot, days out etc.we wouldn’t be able to go on holidays. We would just be surviving. I don’t know whether to just stay with him and bide my time for when the kids are older or leave him and take all these good experiences away from the kids and probably break their little hearts because daddy’s not around. Sorry if it’s a bit long, I could of wrote loads more tho.

There'll be lots along with real advice but they will all say the same thing. You can't stay with this fucking piece of shit. Or words to that effect.
Holidays and nice things for the kids are nothing compared to the immeasurable harm to their lives of modelling the exact opposite of what a good relationship looks like.
You need to marshal all the resources, friends and family that you can and split as soon as you can. He will never change. You will, you will lose yourself totally. Good luck, please act!
Save bump the thread in the morning for more replies.

Get ducks in a row, he says “Your cheating” when your not, calls you a slag, those children are going to get older and notice daddy is not so nice to mum. Gives you no help, sorry but no, this will only get worse.

Leave him, he is horribly abusive and it will damage your children. They pick up/see and hear way more than you can ever be aware of and it will absolutely affect them.

Along with your children, you deserve to be in a non abusive atmosphere with a non abusive partner.

He is trying to coerce you into sex you do not want to have. There is a word for men who do that, that name is rapist.

Don't discuss it with him, he knows what he is doing. Get in touch with Womens Aid or similar local resource for help and info and plan an escape asap.

As an aside, in my experience men who call you cheat etc when you are clearly faithful are more often than not actually cheating themselves whenever they get a chance.

He sees himself as entitled to sex. He told you truthfully that if you refuse to reluctantly give him sex he will go and find someone else to have sex with. So lovely... coercive sex via blackmail.

He's disgusting and you deserve so much more. You are worth so much more

Sending you flowers OP, hopefully other posters with more experience in situations like these can give better advice but Id warn you to be careful about taking the "waiting it out" strategy. Who's to say HE wont eventually leave you when hes decided its not "worth it" to him anymore? Youd be in the same position, just that it wouldnt have happened on your terms.

Sounds like both you and hubby are miserable. Time to discuss calling it a day on your marriage?

@PiersPlowman

Sounds like both you and hubby are miserable. Time to discuss calling it a day on your marriage?

What? Oh yeah his life of having all his needs met - by coercive tactics if need be - sounds sooo hard

Do not discuss leaving an abusive partner with the abusive partner you will either end up being gaslighted or manipulated into staying and/or the abuse could ramp up or you will be gaslighted and manipulated into staying and the abuse will disappear for a short while and then come back later when he feels the chances of you leaving are slim again.

Honestly OP, please ignore the above poster at best it's bad advice at worst it could put you and your children in direct harm if you discuss your plans to leave.

I don't doubt that over the years you've made crystal clear (not that you need to) that his behaviour is not nice and effects you negatively.

So you'll have told him it's not ok. He knows himself it's not ok. He keeps treating you badly though. You don't owe him any more chances to change, he's probably had lots of those. You do owe yourself and your children a chance to get out of this situation as safely and quickly as possible.

Don't believe you can't create a good life for you and your kids, you can. I'm sure it's better for your children to have a happy, safe mum then days out, holidays etc.

@PiersPlowman

Sounds like both you and hubby are miserable. Time to discuss calling it a day on your marriage?

Weird. Another thread, another twatty misogynistic post.

She works full time, studies, does the housework, cooks and still shags this utter loser once a week. I wouldn't.

@HeadFullofRandom

You are off your rocker!

This is a really difficult situation as you suffer whatever you do. But you honestly cannot put up with someone frequently swearing at you, making accusations, and being nasty. It is abusive, and simply awful to live with. No wonder your MH has been a problem! I’m so sorry you haven’t had the love and support you deserve.

For a start, if you have a spare bedroom or lounge with a sofa, I would go and sleep there every single time he used offensive language and made empty accusations. Every single time, I would say “I am not putting up with you saying unpleasant things to me, I have done nothing to deserve your accusations, and it makes me so unhappy when you are like this. Hardly a surprise I’m not interested in sex when you treat me this way.”

I’m guessing in some ways your OH is jealous of you - you are getting yourself together, spend a lot of time busy with work, kids, self improvement. He sounds totally checked out of the entire family, and you carry it all. But accusing you of affairs is not acceptable, no matter how insecure he is. When he is calm and not wanting sex,I’d try and have a rational conversation where you set out the facts, and then ask him what he wants to do about the marriage. Surely he doesn’t want to carry on for another decade like this?

Meanwhile I’d get my ducks in a row, as a priority, in case the situation deteriorates and you need to throw him out, or he walks out. Have a look at UC and CMS and be ready to apply. Think about whether your kids would be eligible for free school lunch, if they aren’t at the minute.

Make sure you have a separate bank account and save every single penny you can. Think about housing - could you downsize if you have to (I’m assuming you rent.... how quickly could you move to a smaller/cheaper place and would it save much to do so ?) Research local childminders, contact a few and see what it would cost to get wrap around care enabling you to see if you could carry on working full time. Do you have family or friends nearby who would help you out if you needed emergency help with childcare or babysitting while you do college? If not, could you take a break from college and resume a year later? Think about whether work would let you do some flexi hours to help you cope if OH is out of the picture, it’s even possible they’d allow this short term while you are sorting out your family life,

Yes, your kids will be in bits if dad leaves, but if you cope well and there is a minimum of yelling and unpleasantness they will be less impacted, similarly if you can keep positive and show them things will be ok, you’re in control, they will be less frightened. Your OH might surprise you and want some contact with the kids, so be prepared for that too.

Be brave, it is a tough set of choices but you sound very competent. Good luck x

@Stichintime

Don't believe you can't create a good life for you and your kids, you can. I'm sure it's better for your children to have a happy, safe mum then days out, holidays etc.

This. A happy house, day trips and a banger will be better for your DC than tension in the house and an unhappy mum. You can improve your circumstances over time.

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like a hellish situation to be in.
My exH was so very demanding that like you i had NO time for myself or to sort myself out and every other sentence was why aren't we having more sex.
If you are on antidepressants and have an implant there is no way you will feel like having sex, also if you are married to a knob end you will not feel like having sex.
When my husband left for another woman (which he now hugely regrets) I went to see my GP, got referred to psychiatry and was finally diagnosed with complex trauma which I must have had for at least 40 years and am feeling fantastic now I'm having the proper treatment and therapy for.
I had to sell my home and downsize but now I'm free of the hanger on my career really took off after a few really hard years.
You need time and space to sort your own problems out, you don't need constant needling from this man. Ok you might have a few skint years but there is no reason why you can't spend your time unemployed going to college or doing an Open University degree, my aunt did two OU degrees when her four children were young and when they were older had a fantastic well paid career as a geologist.
She took her kids camping and fishing and there are loads of free things to do.
You need to get rid of toxic people in your life and have time to breath. You cannot live like this. I did for 20 years and it was a terrible waste of my life.

He's emotionally abusive.

You can do this.

First of all, he is the father of your children, he doesn’t get to refuse to contribute, is he employed? You go to CMS and they take it directly from him.

What kind of work do you do, would your employer be able to arrange for more flexibility? There was a landmark case this week where the NHS had fired someone for ‘refusing to work’ as they changed her shift patterns to include weekends which she couldn’t do for childcare purposes. They won the tribunal but lost the appeal.

Then as others said, check out women’s aid. They can give loads of practical advice.

Start getting together all the paperwork you have, bank statements, his payslips etc.

It’s never going to be easy, you say you can’t afford your car if you leave him, but that’s a small price to pay to be free.

So which is it? Because the DC's being in bits as Daddy is not there, does not tally with him not seeing or paying for them when you split up. Sounds like you are hunting for reasons not to split up ( there aren't any valid ones, this is too far gone, he's verbally and sexually abusive).
Let's say he suddenly wants nothing to do with them ( not likely) as you are married, by law, he still has to support them, and you, so he can't opt out of that. Don't assume you will be a lot worse off without checking the details.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

All this man cares about is his own self absorbed stupid self; not you and not your kids. He enjoys having this level of power and control over you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You cannot possibly want this to be their reference for relationships as adults. Your children need a happy and non abused parent in you; currently you are neither because of your H.

Do not remain in such a verbally and sexually abusive marriage for lifestyle reasons or for the sake of the children; neither are any basis to stay and to be further abused at his hands. He is not a good father to his children either if he treats you as their mother like this. He is financially responsible for them.

He is also likely the root cause as to why you are on anti depressants in the first place.

Do seek legal advice asap on divorce and use fact rather than your own assumption to get away from your (and in turn your children's) abuser. Fear of him, money worries and fear of the unknown play parts too in not being able to break away from abusive people that readily. I would urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway. He is not going to make it at all easy for you to leave him because he is abusive and will remain so after separation and divorce too.

If you can go to Boots many of their stores are set up to help people who are in abusive relationships. All you need to do is ask for ANI and they will direct you to one of their consultation booths where you can access domestic violence support services.

You need to find out what money you will have/need when you leave, and work towards that.
It sounds to me like he’s making excuses in his head to have sex else, so is there any chance he’s doing that ? You would need an STI check if he is.

@Fluffy94

There's really no nice way to put this.

Your H is abusing you physically, by raping you (having sex with him when you DON'T WANT TO, is RAPE), emotionally by calling you horrible names and accusing you of having sex with other men, psychologically, by being angry and aggressive, forcing you to be scared, upset, ashamed etc.

You have also alluded to the fact that you expect him to financially abuse you if you had the temerity to leave this abusive man.

You really MUST leave him, to protect your DC and yourself from further harm. Your DC would much rather have a calm and happy home to live in than 'days out' and 'holidays'.

PP's are 100% correct when they say is is dangerous to tell such an abusive 'man' that you are leaving.

You need to start by doing the first step, then the next step, and take your 'problems' one at a time !

You CAN do this ! I promise you !

1. Contact Womens Aid. You can contact them by phone or email etc, but do it when you have privacy (make sure he can't find it on your laptop history etc, maybe use work computer ?) and no-one could 'overhear' your call (including your DC). They will give you advice and help.

1. Start getting some cash together in an account in your name only. If he gives you no access to money, start to sell stuff on Gumtree that he won't notice is missing, or phone up Child Benefit and change the payments into your own account. Get 'cash back' whenever you go shopping. Whatever you can do, however you can do it. (Best to hide money in your own bank account, but make sure you either go 'paperless' or get bank statement posted to a friends/relatives or your work address)

1. Gather copies of all financial paperwork e.g Bank statements, savings statements, investments etc. Gather all official paperwork you'll need e.g Passports, NI paperwork, Child Benefit paperwork. ( Again, once you have these things, keep them at work/friends house.)

1. Make solicitors appointment. You can either see them in person, or organize a zoom meeting for when you're at work or a friends house.(You can usually get a 1 hr free initial appointment)

But you CAN and MUST LEAVE.

Oh OP. He sounds horrible. You sound lovely and like you've got your head screwed on. I think you should leave too. As soon as you can. I'd also agree with not discussing with him, he won't change. Just quietly make safe plans.
You'll probably get a good settlement but even if you don't your kids will be far better off without him in their lives and having this relationship as their model.

Can anyone support you in real life? And your work may be more flexible than you think?