Anyone else’s partner like this? How to help? Or maybe I’m being unfair ...

[Maekdarcynha]

My DP is a great man, kind, good fun, usually quite ‘present’ when we are together.

But my god can he compartmentalise! Recently he had a work presentation. They told him four weeks ago it would be in four weeks. We had literally four weeks of non stop focus on it. His job isn’t easy but let’s be realistic, you can take a night off over four weeks ahead of a work presentation surely?! It’s like he can’t even have a break to switch off and enjoy anything, which has a knock on effect to me. He even said the cinema couldn’t happen until the presentation was over with!

It’s the same with other things. We moved to a new place recently and for weeks beforehand he couldn’t stop talking about boxes, organising things, even when it’s all been done it was going over it, talking about it. I don’t think we even stopped to watch a film at home during that time.

He is also like it with friends, so it’s not just me. His best friend has wanted to go camping with him for the last month. That’s not been possible as DP is working on a promotion application. This is a 9 page document that he filled in 2 weeks ago and keeps tweaking each night. I’ve told him to go on the bloody camping trip but he just says ‘when this is done.’

We do have small moments and days where he doesn’t have anything on the agenda, but obviously life isn’t generally like that so MOST of the time he’s compartmentalising. I’ve tried to talk to him and he does budge slightly... I’ve managed to get him to go for a walk this evening before he got back to his promotion work, for example. But even then I can tell the stress starts to get to him.

It’s becoming hard for me too (and his friends!). Not sure I can deal with this forever...

Well if you're not sure you can deal with it the only solution really is to leave.

Some people cannot relax or have fun until something is done. Otherwise when you're meant to be having fun, the thing that needs to be done is on your mind and ruins the fun you're meant to be having.

@CupOfTPlease that is how he would describe it! I do get it to some extent but it seems 90% of our time is like this!

I understand it can be difficult to someone who is more relaxed about these sort of things. I'm like your DH. I cannot relax until something is done.

Sounds like a massive anxiety issue and/or ineffective coping with life stressors. Do you ever tell him this puts you and everyone else in the family through the wringer? My hubby has predictable times of being crazy busy at work and it's hard but nowhere close to what you describe!

It doesn’t sound like he’s particularly bothered by the fact that his behaviour is having a negative impact on your (and others) relationship. I think that is the bigger problem, than actually feeling the way he does.

I’m a little like your DH, but I know I’ve got to keep it in check otherwise I will just be wasting my life away in front of a screen working on things that really don’t need 3 hours of my time each evening. I’m a perfectionist. But I know (most of the time) when to force myself to walk away.

He’s not going to change without wanting it himself. He’s obviously completely happy tinkering away for hours on a Word document for weeks on end. He’s at no risk of losing you (as far as he’s concerned), and I guess he will eventually see his friend. Why would he change in these circumstances?

I am like your dh. If something could have a huge impact on me I hyper focus on it. Work especially. I am the main wage earner and a work situation I feel like if I don't do well enough I could break my family financially. Which is not realistic, really. However, I also recognise its not healthy. I used to think it was helping manage my anxiety.

But, I now realise it wasn't it was actually making it worse. I still draw detailed plans up but plan in breaks. Not like half an hour, but an evening or weekend off. I find coming back to work with fresh eyes after a break is better than looking at something everyday for month. Which has been a bonus.

Its much better now. But in all honesty, I could not take a week off leading to a promotion application. I would need to carve out time to review it while I was away. Which annoys people. I haven't got to that point where I am able to do that. I am also the most senior person in my division, so need to be contactable, even on holiday. Which I am sure isn't helping. But I only plan on doing this for a few more years.

I often work on a weekend clearing bits that don't really need to be done, because once they are cleared I can really enjoy the weekend. If I don't clear anything, it preys on my mind.

I do try to actively be better. But I am not perfect. When I met dp I was always really upfront about how I am and he knows that's just me. But appreciates the effort I am putting in to have more balance.

Does he even try to get more balance?ong term this isn't healthy for him and may do him more harm than good and may do a project more harm than good too.

Do you mean can't compartmentalise i.e can't separate out work stress from home life?

If so and you!re concern is him bringing his work-focus home then no I don't think you're being unreasonable to object. You need some separation between work and home

He needs to compartmentalise his time! Not all of it has to be spent on work-related projects.

In my 30s I had a great (and annoying!) much older colleague. Whenever I got stressed about not being perfect, she said ' "you're only human ". After many times of her saying it, I finally realised both that I needed to be better than everyone else (at work) AND that nobody but me cared about that.

I decided to let it go (to an extent) and long after my colleague left, kept reminding myself of her words. Over time, I have managed to let go of my need to be the best and merely try to do things well enough. So much of a better way to live!

Don't know if you can persuade your DP, OP but you do need to ask for a share of his time.