Ahh. Think I am falling for my friend.

[Hottubconfused11]

I think I might be in love with my friend. I only started to feel like this last weekend. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a teenager but it’s more complicated.

My male friend is an ex. We broke up 18 months ago but remained in touch. We broke up as we both were really busy and live 45 mins drive away. Distance and life got in the way, and we didn’t prioritise each other or get to know each other that well. We both met other partners after but those relationships ended at Christmas, around the same time.

We ended up bubbling together as most of our friends had bubbles. We ended up spending more quality time together and got to know each other much better than before, better conversations and more shared interests. We only went out for 6 months previously and I don’t think we got to know each other properly. We started to spend nights at each other’s and shared a bed but no sex occurred, just cuddles. We both were on dating sites, but covid dating is hard.

Month later he had a life event and had to take time off work and still is off. He got depression and anxiety and is now on meds and counselling. I supported him heavily through the first few months. He told few friends. He got insomnia and stopped staying over. But we meet up a few times a week and text lots daily. We have gone more places now than when we went out. We can be flirty and most people assume we are a couple.

He has 3 friends and a family member who he told and meets up with him for suppprt weekly. One of these friends is an ex fling. He is always honest when he sees her and says he has no interest in her, it was a one night stand between friends. but I became jealous last week for the first time, as she had arranged childcare to go to his on the Friday night. He says they went into the hot tub and had food. She was gone by 8pm. It’s the sharing to hot tub that made me jealous. No idea why, as we do it all the time with no issues.

Became to realise I think I am in love with him. So I have pulled back. He has texted to ask what’s the matter, said was busy. I did meet up this week with him and he was starting to feel better. Back to himself, nearly. He said he missed seeing me.

We always used to joke about my fussy standards in dating, but not recently, in fact last time I brought up a date, he said let’s change the subject, was not mentioned again. He brought it up this week in a sheepish way asking who I am dating. Said no one, giving it a break, why. No reply, just a shrug. I asked him who he is dating and he said no one, not in the right frame of mind. But may have eyes on someone. Just needs to wait to see if they are still single, doesn’t want to make a move till he has recovered . When pushed didn’t say who. I did joke it was his other friend and he said no.

So what do I do? I don’t want to ignore him as he needs support , but I can’t tell him as his head is not in the right place. I need to stop feeling jealous of his friend too. I have no say if they get together or not.

Basically since last weekend, I get an excited feeling when I see or text him. His hug this week felt amazing. Do I wait or fade out or bury my feelings. Is him asking who I am dating a sign he is interested? Why have my feelings changed, as I didn’t feel this way last month and was happy being friends

Why did I have to fall for my good friend!

@Bonedry this is Also a concern. He normally likes to be the rescuer. He wont admit it, but I don’t need rescued, which was a reason inn me think he couldn’t make it work. His pattern of past relationships certainly put him in the rescue role.

Maybe I am being selfish as he has another female friend. She need rescued and is extremely pretty and nice.

Think I need to wait. I am in holiday next week so won’t see him

To share it from the other side (kind of)

I was very unwell last year, and a year ago I very nearly took my own life.
I had a friend which I leaned upon a lot for support. We were always very close, but outwardly the relationship never went beyond the odd 'moment', and dodging the extra level to our relationship.

Anyway; during my lowest point we were having a bit of heart to heart.

He was reassuring me that I wasn't 'weird' for feeling the way I did. Saying that he was weird too, and then going onto quote Dr Seuss'.

Basically the quote is about us all being weird, and then finding someone who matches our weird and calling it love.

It took me a back, and at the time I just didn't react. I missed the moment.

So although I know that his main aim was to reassure me. Whatever he meant with that, it wasn't the right time. I was incredibly vulnerable at that moment.

The proof? A year later, we're not in each other's lives

I think about it everyday.

@duacheapa can I ask if it’s not too personal.
do you regret it? Why are you not in contact?

I have not said anything to him and have been there for support only. I do feel due to his situation it can’t express my feelings and will need to wait till he does.

However I can’t wait about.

Hottubconfused11 Have you ever seen 'My Best Friend's Wedding'?

There's a scene in that, where Julianne (played by Julia Roberts) losing her moment to tell Michael how she feels. And that's it, the moments gone.

It reminds me so much of that scene, the nearest my life has ever got to a Hollywood film!

But it's true. I missed my moment, I should have told him there and then that I love(d) him.

I regret it everyday. He was also a colleague and he left in the autumn. We fell out a couple of months before he went, and never made up. We got back on more civil terms, but not what it was.

We've literally had no contact in the months that past, last time I contacted him (for work reasons) he was polite and professional enough, but dodged any specific chat with regards to us.

I've got the message, and have left him be.

I know I was very hard to be around in that last year, and I'm truly embarrassed and remorseful for all that I put him through. He was no saint, by any means, but I know he cut me a lot of slack.

I did hold onto a little bit of hope initially when we said goodbye. He subtly hinted to our paths crossing again 'in the next life'. And talked about doing a big reunion once all restrictions had been lifted.

I don't know if this is at all helpful. But it's my story. I'm sure from my experience, your friend is very grateful to have you around. Though he may not always show it.

Depression really is a horrible illness. It cost me one of the most valuable relationships I've ever had. I know no matter what, he wouldn't want to lose you.

But, just like my friend, I realise you have a life too. And you must always, always look after number one x

Honestly, @duacheapa, I think someone who made a kind of pass at or declaration to someone who was depressed and vulnerable is pretty low. It shouldn't have been put on you to respond or not to respond 'in the moment', when that moment was in the context of a supportive conversation between friends when you were feeling at your worst. Don't blame yourself! He should never have done it.

@duacheapa I am so sorry this happened. Don’t blame yourself. I agree that he shouldn’t of taken advantage. Waited till you were able to respond properly. I can see his impatience, but timing is crucial

That’s why I am conflicted. I want to say, but he needs suppport and I don’t think this information will provide this. what plays On my mind is we won’t start off the relationship even and doing what normal couples do. It would be me waiting for intimacy and normal couple things. This may make me resentful.

If it’s to be it will. After this experience it’s either going to make us realise it’s worth a shot, or not.

He has popped round today and seemed more depressed.

I don't want to hijack your thread Hottubconfused11 but I thank you (and GoWentGone) for your understanding response.

When I look back and think of that moment, I was so scared that I had got it wrong, that he wasn't declaring any feelings, just simply trying to make me feel valued. That if I had actually reacted, that I would have got rejected. Which I couldn't have taken then.

As you say Hottubconfused11, I'm a huge believer in whatever's meant for you, will never pass you by. That whoever's meant for you, will eventually gravitate back towards you.

He sounds very lucky to have you. And remember as I said earlier; keep looking after yourself too.
Hopefully the fog will clear for him, and you will be there to see it

@duacheapa you are not hijacking. It’s usefully to hear from another side.

Maybe I am reading into it too much. All I know is he is not ready to hear this. When and if I can wait is tye question.

Update sort of. We are still doing a dance round each other. I went on holiday for a week and when I came back he had tidied my garden and planted new plants. Surprised me.

However his mental health has taken a turn for the worse and he said if he doesn’t recover he can’t see himself in a relationship soon, which is upsetting him as he wants to find someone who understands his life event. He did say seeing me makes him feel better as he is distracted.

Now is not the right time. But touched he did something do sweet for me, especially as I hate gardening.