‘A couple of years is a good timeline’

[Treaclewithpiw]

I’m panicking. I’m 36 (only just) and have been dating someone only 3 months. We get on very well, both want kids and marriage. He hinted the other day that he’s falling in love. It’s all going well.

Last night we were chatting and I said if you felt it was with the right person, how soon would you want a family? To which he said a couple of years after meeting would be a good timeline.

I didn’t think about it a lot at the time but all day I’ve been going over it. I would be 38 in that situation. I feel panicked by that but also know that who is going to want to just do it within 6 months or even a year? I know people do that but it’s reasonable for him to say he’d want to give a relationship a couple of years. Ideally I would want that too but I still worry.

Not sure what I’m asking really. I don’t want to mess up the relationship as he’s a really great person (so far) and I’ve been dating and in shit relationships since I was 30.

There are many people who do it within a year. I have a few friends who met someone and were engaged within a year and TTC, but IMO it’s a huge risk as you don’t know the guy well and you have to be prepared to be a single parent.

At your age you should already be prepared for many eventualities and have a contingency plan. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket with this guy. Three months is nothing. If you want kids freeze your eggs and set up a timeline for doing it yourself. If he happens to be in yoir life by that time. Good. Of not, you still have a plan

2 years to TTC or until birth? If birth that is only a wait of about a year. 38 isn't too old either, it may mean one child only although plenty of women do have DC in their 40s.

Sorry but you'd be mental to deliberately get pregnant with someone youd only known 6 months. I've had John west Tuna in my cupboard longer than that.

He is right with 2 years. Before even trying.

How old is he? I don’t think that’s an unreasonable timeline from his point of view but obviously it’s pushing it a little for you. Lots of women do get pregnant in their late thirties and early forties but equally some struggle. But as you say, if you dump him because 2 years is too long to wait, there’s no guarantee you’ll meet someone else quickly who’ll want to ttc immediately. It’s tricky one. Tbh I might give it another 3 months, and see how things are going then...

I met DH when I was 36, just and we agreed to start TTC after 2 years, so we could have more fun and enjoy ourselves before we committed to a child.

We got pregnant when I was 38 after the first try and we now have a lovely 4 year old! The reason I was happy to wait was because I knew DH was the one, he treats me with respect, thoughtfulness and kindness and in 8 years has never wavered from that.

I think the key thing here to really think about is whether you think the relationship is going to last or whether there are any warning signs early on that you're choosing to ignore because you're desperately worried about your biological clock. If we're honest with ourselves the signs that someone is a dick are usually visible early on but we choose to ignore them.

Here's what you should ask yourself:

Does he treat you as a priority? Or do you often find his friends/hobbies take his preference. (Not saying he can't have a hobby but if you're planning a family, his life will also totally change and his priorities should be his family)
Does he show any controlling or abusive behaviour?
Does he talk about previous relationships in a negative way i.e. that it was all the other person's fault.

If you can honestly say to yourself that he shows none of these then you can afford to wait. If you're at all unsure then you need to perhaps throw this one back and look again. Rushing into TTC is not the answer, you know that right?

Just take a breath.

I assume you want to find someone who will not only be a good partner for you but also someone who would be a good father.

So, given your history of bad relationships (Fellow sufferer here!), two years is not a huge amount of time but it may be enough time for you to assess whether this guy is suitable for you first and foremost, and whether he will be a good dad - including co-parenting if you ever broke up.

These days 38 is not a big deal as a first time mum.

Worst case scenario you both decide not to wait and in another 3-6months you are pregnant. Then you begin to realise that this guy is not as wonderful as you thought he was and now you are stuck with him for life because you are having a child together.

Give it time, learn about each other and figure out if you make a good match. Figure out if he is who he says he is. Two years is nothing compared to the rest of your life

I think he's being very, very reasonable. I made the mistake of having a child with someone i knew less than a year and it was a huge mistake. After that, i made a rule with myself to not have any other children with someone i knew less than 2/3 years. Sometimes it works out but many times it doesn't.

Just wanted to add FWIW it's really hard to put the brakes on when you are feeling so strongly about wanting to have a baby, I know from experience that that urge is almost overwhelming at times.

I didn't end up having children with my ExH because he would have been a terrible father and he was a horrible partner. It was one of the many things that propelled me to leave.

The likely hood of me now having children is extremely small due to my singledom and age but for me being childless was a better option than having a baby with someone unsuitable.

I think he sounds sensible and that initially it’s a good thing to say. Surely if he said ‘a few months’ that would be odd? If things keep going well between you then maybe he’ll think differently after a year or less. He can’t be sure right now if he wants to have kids with you and vice versa which I think is fair enough.

You say you "both want kids and marriage".

I guess the question here is: if you had to choose only one of those two, which would you choose?

Many women want kids enough to have them with a potentially unsuitable partner, because if it goes wrong, they'll at least have the kids.

Other women would rather have a solid partnership and risk not having kids with a longer timeline to make sure they're married to the right man.

You can't guarantee both, so if you had to choose, which is more important to you?

Wow thanks for the replies!

I’m not sure how to tag everyone but to answer a few questions, yes he is great there’s no red flags like previous partners (thought I am very aware they can show later on!).

He’s quite into work which is maybe a red flag...he will often be off the radar for a day when he’s got his head in some work. But what’s most important with him is that he really listens and takes things on board. I told him that I wanted fixed times to see each other in the week as my work is very busy and he totally got on board with that and recognised it was important to me, for instance.

He’s a good man, lovely to his family, kind to waiters and general public when we are out. He’s a decent one for sure. So far...

I get why he wants to wait and I would like to wait too. I just feel stressed about it at the same time.

I also don’t want to start putting a timeframe on it as we are happy and having a nice time... I wouldn’t want him to think I was with him for that! I’m definitely not as I didn’t find it difficult to get dates when online dating...I just met many many not so nice men.

He’s 40 next year. Think someone asked that.

@Rosesareyellow worked out how to tag :)

Yes I agree but I wish I didn’t feel so stressed about it all :(

My friend met her partner at 36 after being single for a long time, they got married at 38 and first baby at 40. They might have been older, but just enjoyed every step of the relationship and didn’t rush. Sometimes in your 30s dating can just feel like a desperate rush to find someone to have kids with, and it stops you just enjoying meeting people and being together. The whole thing is stressful.

@Ceriane yes that’s exactly how I feel. I am falling for him fast but in the back of my mind there’s all these heavy questions which takes the sparkle off it a little!

You have to be mental to ttc after only 6 months but I did! I was 37 and afraid biological clock was choking loudly. Had the conversation early dating abc he said 5 years. I said I couldn’t wait that long and why. I was prepared to be a single mum, financially secure etc. It was a bit risk and surprised a lot around me as I’m not a risk taker but it felt right and he felt right. We are married now and ttc 2 which has been a painful path of loss , probably due to older age. It’s worth making men aware we don’t have time on our side. Failing that you could look into fertility checks/ egg freezing

Chiming not choking and sorry for other typos!

I met my DH when I was nearly 38. We were engaged after 1 year, and married after 2. Got pregnant fairly quickly after that and had DS just before I turned 42. So it is achievable in those timescales.

Thanks @itsgoodtobehome feels stressful waiting!

It's hard not to start imagining what could be in the future when things are going so well in the relationship.

For me, dating during the period between the ages of 36-39 was full of anxiety and dread because I was so consumed with the thought of missing out on motherhood but equally wanting to give dating/relationships a proper go.

ended up going down the IVF and sperm donor route as unfortunately the person I had a two year relationship with between the ages of 37-39 wasn't ready for that level of commitment/was at a different life stage (and I also felt I was somehow rushing into things due to the fear of ending up childless due to infertility). It was a very confusing time.

Have you thought about having some preliminary fertility tests done? This might reassure you or flag up any issues, should there be any? This way you'd be informed one way or the other and take action accordingly.

PP has a good point about fertility tests. If it turned out you had a good egg reserve then would that put your mind at ease about the wait?

We TTC about 1 3/4 years in, I was 37 when I got pregnant. I'd been reading all sorts online and panicking about whether it was too late - ended up getting pregnant first cycle. Freaked me out a bit tbh! If I'd known it would be that quick, I might have enjoyed another 6m-1y of freedom as the relationship is totally changed after DC.

That’s a point to consider - nothing changes a relationship like parenting. I appreciate that time is not on your side but if you’re enjoying each other’s company, there’s a very high chance that even a straightforward pregnancy and birth will completely shake that up. The early stage of a good relationship is so joyous.

Practically, I would assume that if you’ve only been dating since March that you don’t live together, have never been on a weekend break/holiday, met his family, been through a difficult situation like redundancy, illness or grief… all relationships are good until they’re tested, and people can be very different once they’re out of the honeymoon stage. You barely know this man.

There’s a phrase about seeing every season with someone before you commit, which I think is very wise.

@Treaclewithpiw

I think the best way for you to be able to put your mind at rest is to have a 'back up' plan. Put something in place so that you can become a parent with or without a 'partner'.

I've absolutely no idea how to go about it, but could you freeze some of your eggs ?

Or you could find out about sperm donation etc, so you could, in theory, start TTC anytime you wanted ?

I think it's very stressful for women who do have a finite 'window' for having kids, and so find it almost impossible to separate the 'relationship' from the sense of 'time ticking by'.

You really don't want the relationship to be 'rushed' because you feel 'time is running out', but you also don't want him to feel 'pushed' too far too fast down the relationship 'road' towards that serious a commitment either.

If you have a 'back up plan' in place, there's no need to feel anxious about when you'll TTC, because you'll be able to whenever you're ready, regardless whether or not this relationship 'works out'.

I think he's being sensible and realistic. You need to know he's a good man and will be a good father. You can't do that in the honeymoon period when your relationship has not been tested in any way.
We got married just under 2 years after meeting and I fell pregnant on our honeymoon. I was 34 and I totally understand what a difficult and scary age it is to be in the dating pool and hoping for children. You need to try and stay calm and keep moving forward.