Disabled or degenerative illness husband

[wifeofhusband]

Name changed for this post.

A few years ago my husband was diagnosed with a degenerative disease. This came after many years of his alcoholism, in fact he was diagnosed about 8 months later after he gave up drinking (he is still sober). We were just starting to re-build our relationship which had been very hard for very many years, I was preparing myself to leave just before he stopped drinking - anyway I stayed and things were good for that 8 months and from then to now however things have obviously changed as he now has many physical diffulties and these will get worse.

I just wondered if there was anyone else out there whose husband is disabled or sick and I just wondered how you stay happy/positive? Do you still fancy them? How do you make it work? Are you permantly worried about the future/money? I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, and because of what came before I have no real happy memories.

Anyway, just wondered if people with similar issues wanted to chat?

I am sorry you are in this situation. All I could think when I read this was that you have had years of living with an alcoholic and I'm sure that has made life very, very difficult for you and now you are left with having to care for him as a result of his actions over the years.

You're a better woman than me. I'd leave him to it

I agree - he made his bed and I'm not sure I'd want to lie in it with him.

My DH became disabled after an accident many years ago. He's in chronic pain and I am his carer.
He's also developed a life limiting illness quite recently.
But..He's always remained the same man I married. He's loving , funny, caring, kind. Physically he's changed enormously obviously but I still love him to bits.
I've carved out time for myself to make sure it all doesn't get too much. And I'm also able to work part time. I do worry about money but I will get an inheritance in the future which will pay off my mortgage so I try not to worry too much about the future as there isn't much I can do about it.
And I don't know if my DH will even still be here by that time.

But your situation is different. Your DH brought this on himself. My DH didn't.

Sorry I should've made it clearer his degenerative disease is nothing to do with his drinking - just bad luck.

Still doesn't change my stance. Unless he's been a kind, supportive and loving alcoholic partner then he doesn't deserve your support now

Hello,
I am a wife with a husband with Neurological degenerative disease. It’s been 11 years of living with this disease. Husband is very entitled and selfish. I am also naturally of a giving nature but I do feel taken advantage of. I know he is sick but a lot of things he could help me with, he is still not doing. I don’t know what to look forward to. Before his sickness he was arrogant and selfish. Now that he is sick he is more selfish than ever. He also makes me feel guilty a lot. I also have a lot of resentment towards him. We have two teenagers, 14 and 16. We are immigrants. A lot of why I am staying is to give the kids at least a family unit, even if they are in a foreign country without any extended family. I am happy to chat.

How to stay happy?

• running has been a lifesaver. My alone time. My no worries time. No thoughts about the to do list.
• girlfriends : a good laugh is precious
• travel: at least once a year, precovid, I try to go somewhere new by myself or with a girlfriend
• tried therapy. Sometimes helpful
• massage

I know this sounds awful but for me it would depend on likely time course. If it was rapidly progressive and likely to lead to death or residential care within a couple of years I might do it knowing that while it would be difficult it's only for a while, if it were gradual such as several years or a decade I would leave know while I could and to to then he could get carets in.

I work with the elderly and disabled and generally unfortunately people who have been difficult and demanding previously tend to become worse as now they have a "reason" to be unpleasant.