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Original poster

Let down by sister

15 replies

RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 10:32

History of a poor relationship with my sister. She went from being a bossy older sister growing up to a bully. Verbally abusive, the worst was when she got horribly drunk then hit me face at my housewarming and told me she hated me. I've always forgiven her. I cut her off a couple of years ago but we are back in contact and she was keen to be the chance to be my sister again again (her words) and recognized her behavior was not what it should have been Things were hard at first, especially with lockdown but I felt like we might be getting things on track.

I have two children and she doesn't have any. Both parents died about 15 years ago. She has not been a support to me in that time, meet up a few times a year at most. She lives three miles away. I've not felt I can trust her so there has not been any closeness. We are both in our early 50s (I had children very late!)

I thought this had changed and have been opening up to her about some struggles I have been having with my partner taking me for granted, and yes there is a pattern here where I have not had boundaries.

She invited me to hers for what she described as a mini-break. Dinner out, a sleepover, brunch the next day and shopping. I can't remember when I got a child free break away (long time ago!) I was looking forward to a sleep without snoring partner and a responsibility free lie in.

She has now contacted me to say she has been invited to a birthday lunch with friends that day. It was supposed to be dinner in the evening but her friend changed it to lunch at home as she (the friend) has some health issues which my sister went to explain in some detail. It is not her birthday that day, it is a few days later. She's already agreed to it, she was just telling me that she had to be away by a certain time to make it for her lunch.

My heart sank when I read her message and I was really upset. I was looking forward to dinner and the day out but more importantly, that my sister was making the effort and committed to rebuilding my trust in her.

Part of me really wants to just say ok, it is a birthday thing, her friend is unwell, accept being sidelined and take what is offered, don't rock the boat because part of me desperately wants to have the kind of sisterly relationship I yearn for. I've had counseling so I have explored this a lot. The other part of me thinks, again, my sister chooses to make me feel dispensible and I feel I can't trust that she is genuine. I'm even teary writing this.

In a way, the event is not what it was supposed to be now, because I'm feeling that I'm back in that place with her, hurt and angry and that I can't trust her.

Some perspectives please!

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 10:42

We are still doing dinner but it'll be up early for breakfast, then out shopping then she'll be wanting to travel to her lunch (it's London across town)

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 14:22

Bumping 🤞

OP posts:
username059471 · 25/06/2021 15:50

Let's look at the facts here:

  1. She's physically abusive
  2. She's in her 50s and unlikely to change
  3. She lets you down
  4. There's a wider issue here of people taking you for granted

If a friend came to you with these problems, what would you advise them to do OP?

I would advise them to lower their expectations of their sister who has a track record and is unlikely to change. I would stop confiding in her as she can't be trusted. I would keep plans with her loose if she is wont to dropping you for a better offer - which she has done here.

I would take a step back and look at the wider picture. Work on myself, learn some assertiveness skills, work on my boundaries.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2021 16:26

Part of me really wants to just say ok, it is a birthday thing, her friend is unwell, accept being sidelined and take what is offered

This is my instinct, because these things do happen and she's not being flaky and cancelling, you're still having the dinner, sleepover and some stuff the next day. Of course the history is colouring it and making you read more into it and you may be right, no one else can really say. Your feelings of being letdown, hurt and angry may be enough of a factor to withdraw for your own safety as it's already pushed you to a bad place. But from another perspective, this wouldn't on it's own be classed as bad behaviour from a friend or relative. If you feel you want to go ahead, maybe use this as a testing ground to see if she does take the piss and if so, draw a line for good.

billy1966 · 25/06/2021 16:45

@username059471

Let's look at the facts here:
  1. She's physically abusive
  2. She's in her 50s and unlikely to change
  3. She lets you down
  4. There's a wider issue here of people taking you for granted

If a friend came to you with these problems, what would you advise them to do OP?

I would advise them to lower their expectations of their sister who has a track record and is unlikely to change. I would stop confiding in her as she can't be trusted. I would keep plans with her loose if she is wont to dropping you for a better offer - which she has done here.

I would take a step back and look at the wider picture. Work on myself, learn some assertiveness skills, work on my boundaries.

This really good advice.

You can't change her, no matter how much you would like to.

That IS painful.
Very painful.

By not accepting her for who she is you are bringing huge pain and disappointment to your life.

I would do as suggested above.

Do not trust, depend or lean on her at all.
I wouldn't be particularly available either.

I would suit myself completely.

Boundaries in life are critical to happiness and self worth.

Forget about her and focus on yourself.
You are in your 50's now and you need to get your shit together and start valuing yourself.
You deserve to be treated well.
Start by treating yourself well, by having boundaries.
Flowers

Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 17:27

@username059471

Let's look at the facts here:
  1. She's physically abusive
  2. She's in her 50s and unlikely to change
  3. She lets you down
  4. There's a wider issue here of people taking you for granted

If a friend came to you with these problems, what would you advise them to do OP?

I would advise them to lower their expectations of their sister who has a track record and is unlikely to change. I would stop confiding in her as she can't be trusted. I would keep plans with her loose if she is wont to dropping you for a better offer - which she has done here.

I would take a step back and look at the wider picture. Work on myself, learn some assertiveness skills, work on my boundaries.

Thanks for the straight talking ! - if she can't change maybe I can't either? How do I work on boundaries and be more assertive? Reading? Therapy? When I call out my partner he has a go at me for being strong. Confused I have had to be strong to a certain extent as I had a childhood of domestic violence. What that also meant is that I avoid conflict as much as possible.
OP posts:
Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 17:34

@Pinkdelight3

Part of me really wants to just say ok, it is a birthday thing, her friend is unwell, accept being sidelined and take what is offered

This is my instinct, because these things do happen and she's not being flaky and cancelling, you're still having the dinner, sleepover and some stuff the next day. Of course the history is colouring it and making you read more into it and you may be right, no one else can really say. Your feelings of being letdown, hurt and angry may be enough of a factor to withdraw for your own safety as it's already pushed you to a bad place. But from another perspective, this wouldn't on it's own be classed as bad behaviour from a friend or relative. If you feel you want to go ahead, maybe use this as a testing ground to see if she does take the piss and if so, draw a line for good.

This is the easy option but then would make my previous stand pointless, we just revert to previous entrenched behaviours.
I am in place of hurt but I'm also not that surprised. If we hadn't got our history it wouldn't be so bad but this was our first time 1:1 for over three years. She's kind of in the last chance saloon.
OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/06/2021 17:34

Are you saying that you are not allowed to in any way question you partners behaviour and treatment of you?

How does he behave towards you?
How long are you together?

What is your relationship like and how long are you together?

Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 17:42

@billy1966
I do need to get shit together. I do deserve to be treated well.
I do need to her for who she is. I wonder if I just got carried away and we've run before we can walk. I've been worried about not being worthy of her time by she hasn't shown herself worthy of mine. Thats a bit of a revelation for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 17:43

@billy1966

Are you saying that you are not allowed to in any way question you partners behaviour and treatment of you?

How does he behave towards you?
How long are you together?

What is your relationship like and how long are you together?

That's a whole other thread I haven't had the courage to start yet!
OP posts:
username059471 · 25/06/2021 17:54

I would read up on boundaries and assertiveness and start to put them into practice. Start small and build up. It's like building a muscle you've never used before. It's difficult when you have a DV past as you will be flooded with flashbacks that probably make you freeze when you face confrontation. In that case it helps to learn a few stock phrases that come out without thinking:

Q. Can you work overtime this weekend?
A. Can I think about it and let you know after lunch?

Instead of immediately saying yes.

You start small, say for example, phoning customer services or taking something back and build up from there. You'll get it wrong at first but it doesn't matter, keep going. You'll notice that you'll get pushback from some people, which will be difficult at first but you'll soon learn who your friends are.

As far as your sister goes, you lower your expectations of her. She is who she is so don't expect her to be something she's not. She can be aggressive, she can't be trusted and she doesn't show you much consideration. Don't get into situations with her where she can let you down or betray your trust.

What I mean by she won't change is that there's nothing you can do to change her. She has to want to change herself but she's in her 50s and unlikely to bother.

You need to start protecting and looking after yourself OP. Look into doing some inner child work. You need to practice putting yourself and your needs first.

billy1966 · 25/06/2021 18:01

You are worthy and you sound like a lovely woman.

Horrible people that treat you badly, particularly if it's someone close to you as in family are a partner can react very very badly if you try to assert yourself and establish boundaries.

They usually up their abuse and bullying.
Woman's Aid is a great resource for advice, as is your GP and many on MN highly recommend The Freedom online course to help.
Flowers

Nicolastuffedone · 25/06/2021 18:17

Can you arrange it for another weekend?

Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 19:04

@username059471
That is exactly what happens, if any potential conflict arise, my heart races, my stomach turns and I just can't get my point across. I'm paralysed with fear. SadThis is only in my personal relationships. At work I'm quite different!.

I like the idea of exercising my assertiveness muscle. Thank you. I'm going to read up on assertiveness in relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
RiverSkater · 25/06/2021 19:05

Thank you @billy1966 😊

OP posts:
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