What would you do?

[Ninkynonk2021]

Hi I’m looking for advice.
Been with dp for over 3 years and we have a 5 month old son together.
Relationship has been turbulent but lately has been horrendous.
He is unable to handle even small amounts of stress.
Nearly 2 weeks ago he left, this isn’t the first time since his son was born.
Since then he has said that he still loves me and wants to make this work. Over the last 3 days he has come round before work to visit (he works nights) and the night before last he said he would come round as he was finishing early (at 1am) he would stay up and tend to ds so I could get some sleep. Bare in mind I am woken repeatedly throughout the night by ds, probably get around 4 hours sleep a night and this has been the same for nearly 6 months, he has never helped with night feeds.
So he came round as promised and then 2 hours later told me he was leaving again as he couldn’t get any sleep himself due to the noise from ds’s white noise machine thingy.
So I was really annoyed tbh because soon after he left ds woke up and was restless the rest of the night and I’m just out of my mind with tiredness.
We spoke via text last night and I said that I was started to feel depressed due to lack of sleep and I need some real help.
Conversation continued and he said that he will only be visiting for a couple of hours for the time being as he wants us to work on our relationship instead of jumping straight back in and the same things repeating in another few weeks (my other 2 sons behaviour towards each other, they don’t get on and this is where his stress generally stems from)
I then said well in the meanwhile you’re going to have to have ds overnight on your days off because I can’t function on no sleep anymore.
He then went on to say he loves me and wants to make it work but his hearts not in it anymore?? Is that not a complete contradiction? So I said let’s just leave it then and he reiterated no he wants to make things work.
I’m so confused.
It’s ended with me saying clearly, if his heart isn’t in it, it’s wasting my time yet again.
We don’t have sex anymore. I think in the last year we’ve maybe dtd 5 times. There’s been a history of me catching him on dating sites when we’ve had a fallout so clearly he does want sex just not with me, he says it’s just because of stress
Seriously everything is like a contradiction that comes out of his mouth
I feel as though he doesn’t want to really be with me but doesn’t want to be the guy who left his baby son and his girlfriend a single mum to a small baby

I would honestly TDMS the choice away from him. Take control and tell him you don’t want him anymore. My Ex DP didn’t leave us but he never helped with DS through the night, saying he was “too tired” and “had to sleep for work” etc. I resented him so much that one day I put his belongings into bin bags and got rid for good. Once I was on my own with DS (who was 2 at the time), I felt a lot stronger and as I didn’t have anyone to resent anymore, I felt at peace and just got on with it. I was tired- a lot!- but it was a hell of a lot better than being with someone who couldn’t be arsed to actually parent his child! My DS is 14 now and his DD still does bare minimum. Sees him once every 4-6 weeks for one afternoon- never a full weekend and has never taken his DS on holiday etc. He’s a waste of space quite frankly. I’m glad I got rid of him years ago although it was hard at the time. Your DP is not going to change. He wants the easy option of coming and going as he pleases… take the option away from him and formalise visitation. You and your DCs deserve better! 💐

Sorry. - that should say “take” not TDMS!!

I agree wholeheartedly with @NotaCoolMum. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but please get rid of any idea that this man is a good partner to you. He is not committed to you or his child. He is prioritising himself, and he can do that because he knows you'll pick up the pieces. He's exploiting your love and devotion to your child in order to do fuck all himself, but he still wants to keep up appearances and make you think that he's trying to make things work. He's not trying.

There are many, many dads who work full time and help with night wakings/feeds even though the mum is a SAHM or on maternity leave. Because it's not a competition or a point-scoring exercise; it's hard, draining, tiring work even for two parents, and a person who actually loves their partner will want to help, to let them get some sleep, so that they can be healthy and able to care for the child as best they can. That's a good partner and parent, not this utter shit show of excuses your 'partner' is giving you.

Kick him out. Tell him you have zero interest in working on the relationship because you have a young baby and you are barely functioning on very little sleep. Make a formal contact arrangement that's fair to you. In the meantime can you get any help from your family or friends so that you can sleep?

Thankyou for your reply.
This is it, I feel complete and utter resentment towards him.
I’m so sick of him swanning off, practically being single, all he has to worry about is getting up for work and nothing else whereas I’m getting next to no sleep and what sleep I do get is disturbed. I’m exhausted. I have to get up after a few hours sleep, do a school run, look after the house, cook, clean and to top it all off I’m back at work in a couple of months so will need to pay out nearly all my monthly salary on childcare for ds, spoken to him about this and there has been no offer to pay half so it’s all on me
So now I’m thinking we’ll how do I pay the bills then. I’ll manage but the kids will miss out on things like holidays and nice clothes. Christmas and birthdays will be tough too
I’m just sick of the contradictions.

Let him go; ask him what access he wants (or tell him what access he can have); apply to CMS, and also try UC - my DD is a working single Mum, whose ex pays the full CM as assessed by CMS, and she gets UC to help with her childcare.
Your life will be much calmer, and happier, without this flakey commitment phobe in your life.
💐

It’s killing me being the only one caring for our son, I have 3 other children from my past relationship and although they are older i still have to do a hell of a lot for them. Some days I just get up and cry because I’m that tired. I thought I’d have an early night last night. My eldest didn’t come in until 9.30 and then proceeded to come in wake me up and ask me to put him some chips in to go with his dinner that I’d left in the oven for him, I literally went ballistic at him, then I feel guilty that I’m being crappy with him even though he should know better. I’m just stupidly stressed and sleep deprived
Then he wants to peck my head and tell me his hearts not in it anymore and I’m like how much more can I take.
I’ve lost contact with my friends and I’ve got no family over here, they are all a 3 hour drive away
I honestly just feel like packing up and moving back to my family but then that’s not fair on the kids because they have school and friends

You’re doing amazing @Ninkynonk2021- I know it doesn’t necessarily feel it atm but from the outside looking in- you are doing incredible.
Your kids might miss out on some material items but they’ll have a HAPPY Mum who they know works hard to look after them and that is the stuff they will carry for the rest of their lives 💞
He hasn’t offered to pay for half of childcare so you’re going to have to claim through CMS and they will make him pay. Life will be a lot easier when you’re not constantly carrying resentment around with you x

Well it’s been a week since he went, he’s asked for another chance to make things work but then told me he isn’t in love with me anymore
I’m still not getting any support he’s just blaming me and then moaning that all I’m seemingly interested in is sleep and support
He has said he’ll have the baby on Thursday through to Saturday afternoon which I am massively nervous about as he hasn’t any patience and ds isn’t exactly a baby for beginners but he’s got to learn I guess

Its not up to him to deign that he will have care of his child from Thursday through to Saturday afternoon. At a mere 5 months of age your child needs to be with you overnight. I presume he will merely farm his child off to his parents or another relative.

I would seriously consider formalising all access to his child through the court system. He really does want the easy option of coming and going when he feels like it. Do not let him do this and rebuild your life without him in it.

I would also start roping in assistance re returning to your hometown; it was likely his idea for you to move away and that was deliberate on his part too. It isolated you further from your own means of support and this is part of what abusive men do to their chosen target i.e you in this instance.

Absolutely ditch him.

Move home.

Request maintenance from him via CMS.

Do you receive maintenance for your older kids?

No your baby won’t go to him for 3 days straight when all he’s ever known is you. Your ex is not capable of looking after him for 2 hours without getting pissed off. He doesn’t get to decide he’s having him for 3 days without discussing how that would work with you. You don’t need one big upheaval, you need continuous and consistent support, and apparently he’s annoyed at this being requested of him.

Get the maintenance sorted ASAP, get a claim in for universal credit as a single mum - DO NOT under any circumstances let him back in as this will affect your claim and potentially mean you paying back money that you’ve received at that point, so you have to be firm with your resolve that it’s over, and then you can access the support available to you, which depending on your earnings and the age of your eldest child will be at least some pre-tax or subsidised childcare and could also mean help with rent, and living expenses if you need it.

You’re practically a single mum anyway, you may as well get the literal benefits of being one.

I have to get up after a few hours sleep, do a school run, look after the house, cook, clean and to top it all off I’m back at work in a couple of months so will need to pay out nearly all my monthly salary on childcare for ds, spoken to him about this and there has been no offer to pay half so it’s all on me

You're doing this wrong, OP. You need to tell him that he has to pay half the childcare. Why should you pay for all of that?

Thank you for your replies
It’s a really hard one, tbh I have seen an ugly side to him before in the past which makes me cautious of rocking the boat too much, mainly alcohol fuelled so for the last 10 months he hasn’t been allowed to drink around me. When he leaves he goes on a bender and I can tell by the time of his messages that he has drank.
It’s such a shame he didn’t think enough of me and his son to get the stress management that he so obviously needs

*tone of his messages