Husband, depression, alcohol and dating sites

[KnoxOnFoxInSocksOnBox]

I will start by saying we are on very rocky ground anyway but this was entirely unexpected.
Married 13 years, 3 kids. Things have been reasonable over the years but H has always struggled with depression and has used alcohol to self medicate.

This has become more and more of an issue recently and he had a bout of a very bad period with his mental health a couple of months back exacerbated by quite a serious work issue. His drinking increased massively and he was on a complete downward spiral at which point I asked him to leave to get the kids (and me) out of that environment.

He stayed with his parents for a while and completely stopped drinking and has done all the right things about seeking help.

He has gradually moved himself back in. I'm not entirly happy about that as he has said and done things while drunk that I am struggling to forgive but thought I would take things a day at a time and see how we went.

Now last night I was looking at something for him on the laptop. This was at his request so nothing sneaky going on. I accidentally hovered over a tab where he had searched for suicide methods. I immediately asked him about this and he insisted it must have been left open from when he was really low and drinking heavily and that it was nothing to worry about. I couldnt get him to speak more about it.
He has struggled with similar thoughts in the past and has talked through these things with his counsellor and GP but since stoppind drinking seems to be doing ok. He is very good at hiding how he feels though.
I spent a good part of the night worrying about this and his state of mind.

This morning when I got up he was still asleep.
He had left his mobile downstairs and I did something I had never done before and looked through his mobile to see his internet browser history. Now I do know his password as he does mine but we don't routinely use each others phones. I just wanted to see if there were any more worrying searches on there.

Instead I stumbled upon mulitiple pages of a dating site plus searches for how to delete his account. I couldnt access any of the pages but it is clear that up until recently at least he had had an account. I checked his email and it appears he suspended his account rather than deleting it fully. No idea if it was a paid account or if he actually contacted anyone through it.

I have never used a dating website. Not sure of the ins and outs of things but just the fact that he had been looking feels a massive betrayal.

That coupled with his fragile mental health right now and I don't really know what to do from here. I've always walked on eggshells a bit with him because I worry about him but I don't think I can do that right now.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. It must be something otherwise why are you and he together at all?. This alcoholic also seems to have an awful lot of enablers around him; you, his GP, his counsellor, his parents. You've all been propping him up and he has not had to do anything, not that he wants your help and support anyway. Now he has dating sites on his phone. Like many alcoholics he has likely been self medicating his depressed state with alcohol but alcohol acts as a depressant.

The best thing you did for the four of you (i.e your three kids and you) was to have him leave to go to his parents house.

Have you ever considered divorce proceedings?. How much more are you willing to put up with from him; has he not put you all through more than enough already. What are your children going to remember about their childhoods?. This is no relationship role model to be showing them.

I would read about codependency and see how much of this also relates to your own behaviours in this relationship.

You have lots of reasons to end it there, and make a happier life for you and your children.
What he chooses to do with his life is not your responsibility. He knows how to access help if he needs it.

You know, I got to a point about 12 months ago when I spoke to a solicitor about divorce. He really had gone a step too far, but he said he wouldn’t do it again and we were in the middle of lockdown so it just all seemed too difficult. I hoped getting out of lockdown would improve things.
At this point he hasn’t done anything like it again, but I’m waiting. I know it will happen and how many chances do I give him
That one thing where I went to a solicitor was the point I should have gone. It was the worst thing he’d done and I should have taken that opportunity.

You are not is mother or his carer. You are not responsible for him, only yourself and your children.

Get your children out of the toxic relationship with a cheating, self-pitying, toxic arse.

@DinosaurDiana you don't need a valid, recent reason to leave someone.

Are you really going to just sit and wait until he does it again ?

Thank you for your replies. I am at work on my lunch break and have been reading through them.

I know what I need to do, and will.
It's hard when I've known him for 25+ years and our lives are so intertwined. It's not all been bad by any means and we have had some amazing times. The kids love him so much and he is very hands on with them.

I know what I would advise a friend or my sister if they were in my shoes but things are always so much more black and white when looking from the outside in. He is very troubled and has had some desperately sad things happen in his past which have been the trigger for some of his issues.

I started to realise more and more that he is not my responsibility nor can I fix him and the best thing to do would be get my kids out of that situation.

Now knowing that he has been looking at this dating site is like a smack in the face after everything I have done to keep us all going.
Maybe it is just the push I need to stop feeling guilty and move on.

You need to find your ‘angry’ OP— you carried on supporting him , being understanding, putting his moods and depressions first and he repays your good nature by going on dating sites!!! I’ve been there except in my case he was busy crushing on , texting and writing songs and poems about a 21 year old working with us when he was in his early 40s. I found out totally by chance a great many years after it happened , so I stayed — if I had found out at the time he would be gone- It’s deeply disrespectful to you and clearly he’s not so depressed he couldnt find his way around a dating site— get angry and get rid!!

Honestly.
When he was alone and trying to fix things and desperately looking for a way to come back

He wasn’t. He was seeing what another life would be like. And I imagine coming back was in all honesty the easy option

Do you want to be the easy option