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Original poster

What is he thinking..

19 replies

Meena2020 · 25/06/2021 04:32

I have been with my partner for a year and a half now. We moved in pretty fast due to covid.

Anyway we spoke about marriage quite a bit and a few months ago he spoke about getting married this year. However when we were visiting his friends, he told them that he was planning on us getting married in a couple of years. I'm not sure what he's thinking. I never asked him to marry me in case you're wondering if he is under any pressure.

It makes me wonder if he's really planning on proposing.

I'm in my late 20s and my goal is to settle down and have a family but I want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
pollywollydoodler · 25/06/2021 04:35

Why not just discuss it with him?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2021 04:51

I'm in my late 20s and my goal is to settle down and have a family but I want to do the right thing.

If the above is true then you need to start having some serious discussions with your partner. If you can't even communicate and have important talks, just walk away now. If you want children you can't afford to sleep walk through your life.

superspreader10kids · 25/06/2021 06:16

I'm in agreement with Aquamarine. It sounds maybe harsh but you got to hold on to what you already know you want in life. It's fair for him to want to take years to decide which could happen, but you got to get on with your life.

Original poster
Meena2020 · 25/06/2021 07:08

@Aquamarine1029

I'm in my late 20s and my goal is to settle down and have a family but I want to do the right thing.

If the above is true then you need to start having some serious discussions with your partner. If you can't even communicate and have important talks, just walk away now. If you want children you can't afford to sleep walk through your life.

I haven't slept last night thinking about it. I'll speak to him as soon as he wakes up.

I find it hard express my true feelings and that's with everyone.

He does sometimes speak about us being forever but I need more than words.

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 25/06/2021 07:49

Honestly I would just talk to him and from there, judge by his actions, not by his words!
It may just have been playing it casual to his friends, in the same way you might when you’re trying for a baby but don’t want everyone asking how you’re getting on so you go with the ‘oh some day!/not just yet’ etc comments.
Equally he may be leading you on a merry dance.
I would give him the opportunity to say where he stands and go from there.

ThatOtherPoster · 25/06/2021 08:03

Moving in before getting engaged or setting a date causes situations like this. It can just drag on because it’s too comfortable so there’s no motivation to change.

He’s had 18 months. You can give him 6 more, but if nothings happened by then, move out snd move on.

parkerpop · 25/06/2021 08:10

You said a few months ago that you talked about getting married this year. Even taking his comment to his friend out of the equation, I would find it a bit strange that he mentions it probably happening this year then it's not been mentioned by either of you again since? How can it happen if neither of you are talking about it. I think it's a communication problem.

How did he word it when he said about possibly getting married this year? I assume he never actually asked you or you'd be engaged. And how did you respond to whatever he said?

Mix56 · 25/06/2021 08:27

I think its a very emotive conversation.
Try & be calm, breathe, tell him you dont want to force him into anything.
However your biological clock is ticking, you love him, & want a family,
But want to get married before having a baby.
Does he want any of these things?
Ask him to think seriously about it, because just shacking up together is not something you can live with.
Leave it there.hand him a coffee, go about your day....

Original poster
Meena2020 · 25/06/2021 11:30

I find it so hard to tell him what I'm really feeling. I think I have always been like that in relationships then I hate myself for letting people use me.

I don't know how to approach it... I think I know deep down he wants to marry me and have children as he said it multiple times before but I just don't want to wait too long before it happens.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/06/2021 11:37

What do you by being the right thing? Do you mean you want to wait patiently to see what he wants and if it’s you and if it’s marriage and babies like in the movies? Or do you mean you want to own your life and choices and be a grown up and tell him what you want? It’s not clear.

User0ne · 25/06/2021 11:40

If you can't talk to him about how you're feeling then you'd be setting yourself up for a miserable time if you marry him

Original poster
Meena2020 · 25/06/2021 12:22

@User0ne

If you can't talk to him about how you're feeling then you'd be setting yourself up for a miserable time if you marry him
You are right. I'll ask him at lunch.

I just hate myself for not being open and telling him how I really feel sometimes. I resent him sometimes for things he said or did in the past that he is not even aware of.

When I try to say how I feel if something upsets me, I'll always apologise to him even when he is at fault. I just feel like a loser.

OP posts:
layladomino · 25/06/2021 12:28

I used to be just like you. Then I realised that what I was thinking / feeling was just as valid as the other person, and it wasn't fair to keep quiet then resent them, or expect them to mind-read. A decision to get married is a 50/50 mutual one. Not something that one person inflicts or gifts on the other. It isn't about his plans - it's about your joint plans. And if you aren't telling him what you want then how can he know? BTW it's a bit presumptious of him to annouce something to friends that he hasn't even discussed with you!

ravenmum · 25/06/2021 12:34

What kind of things has he done in the past that you resented?

he told them that he was planning on us getting married
Is this really what he said - that he was planning it? Not that you were planning to get married?

Original poster
Meena2020 · 25/06/2021 17:25

Finally got the guts to ask him whether he saw us getting married in a couple of years and he said yes. I told him that it was too long and he agreed. He said he was trying to save up for a ring, that money was the only thing stopping him proposing. He asked about what sort of ring I want etc..

I don't know if I can trust what he is saying his intentions are. I'm worried of wasting my time and being hurt in the end.

He earned a large sum of money from his job early this year but decided to do something else with it. I never asked him to buy me expensive things, he knows that. He told me today he wished he kept it for me but I don't know whether to believe him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meena2020 · 25/06/2021 17:28

@layladomino

I used to be just like you. Then I realised that what I was thinking / feeling was just as valid as the other person, and it wasn't fair to keep quiet then resent them, or expect them to mind-read. A decision to get married is a 50/50 mutual one. Not something that one person inflicts or gifts on the other. It isn't about his plans - it's about your joint plans. And if you aren't telling him what you want then how can he know? BTW it's a bit presumptious of him to annouce something to friends that he hasn't even discussed with you!
Thank you. I needed that.
OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 25/06/2021 18:04

It’s still very early to feel that marriage is urgent. Also, (I hope this doesn’t cause offence, as I don’t intend any) you are very young! It’s common for couples to want to have their finances in order before so I don’t think his reasoning is unreasonable. Bear in mind that 2/3 marriages end in divorce, so it’s better not to rush it.

ravenmum · 25/06/2021 18:28

What does he do that makes you feel happy, OP?

Forstarters · 25/06/2021 18:41

You sound quite intense and also that you don’t trust him or understand his intentions. Not the best basis for marriage.

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