Slowly turning into a different person

[pharmgirl88]

So I’ve previously posted about how unhappy I am in my relationship.

A little background; been together 4 years after falling pregnant. DS is on the autism pathway. I was always promised when we moved in together that things would be 50/50 chores & parenting wise but it’s definitely not! We split bills 50/50 even though he is on a higher wage than myself. We pretty much live separate lives socially. I am left to organise child care. And if I didn’t do housework, my house would be disgusting. When we have a disagreement or he goes in a strop, he goes silent for days.

I am fairly assertive in all other aspects of my life but as soon as I go to have a conversation with him about our relationship, I choke. How have any of you approached such conversations with your DP? I’m slowly turning into a different person. I just want to be happy and carefree - how I imagine a happy relationship should be!

Hi OP, I have a very similar situation as you. My DP is the same. I've tried getting him to sort his act out but to no avail. I've come to terms that I have to leave my man-child. Don't put up with his BS OP!

If you want to try and see if he can pull his act together. Best thing to do is outline key points that you need to address with him before having a talk. Make it clear that this is not acceptable. Nor is sulking off in a strop.
You are both contributing to the mess and to the bills therefore he should also be contributing to the housework and the childcare.

Can you move out? is this an option ? 🌸

He won't change things, he knows how you feel instead of supporting you he is fighting you.
Can you afford a change in your life to one without him.

Moving out is an option, definitely, I just don’t even know how to begin with the conversation. I feel like I’ve just let so much slide now…

@pharmgirl88 Begin the conversation by saying "I'm not in love with you anymore" then list the reasons he can chose to change or continue killing off any warmth between you.
I'd leave, life is very short - My heart breaks for my DM now passed that she stayed in an unhappy marriage for 49 years and never felt the love of a respectful man. That'll never leave me, the DC aren't stupid.

I assume your 32 by your username? Live your life. ❤

Moving out is an option, definitely, I just don’t even know how to begin with the conversation.

Forget having a "conversation." Just tell him you're done.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You and your son need to live lives free of abuse.

What is the situation re the property; are you named on a mortgage or rental agreement?.

re your comment:-
"We split bills 50/50 even though he is on a higher wage than myself"
Well that is wrong for starters; it should be proportionate. I suppose he deigned a 50-50 split on bills.

His promises were never going to be fulfilled. His silent treatment towards you is an example of emotional abuse. This is who he is and such men do not change. Infact such types hate women, ALL of them.

You have a choice here re this man, your son does not.

Thank you ladies, appreciate your advice. Just need to rip the band aid off and have the chat. Like you’ve said, far too young to call this a life x

You don't need to have a conversation. You can simply say you're leaving and give him the silent treatment he's given you.

I have a tendency to bottle things up and not say anything for ages, then panic when it comes to booking point.
One thing to consider when approaching him - he's going to be under the in impession that your okay with everything - because that's the impression you've given him. At the end of the day he will be reacting to what you've given him.
Make sure the conversation is from the point of view of how can we work towards this rather than "fix this now".
I've been in the recieving end of this too and had a taste of my own medicine with an ex who told me they had let certain things slide for too long. If they'd just spoken to me about it I could have be made plans, put things in place and organised things differently. It's hard to start new responsibilities when you have been working to a different model and expectations for so long, and everything is set up for that.

@Washlinewaster

You don't need to have a conversation. You can simply say you're leaving and give him the silent treatment he's given you.

yip

I agree - no conversation needed. I assume you've had lots of "conversations" already regarding him pulling his weight etc? Don't discuss it, tell him

This is exactly my issue. I bottle it all up and run myself into the ground instead of putting the foot down early on. Own worst enemy!

@pharmgirl88 it's incredibly hard to stop doing that too
Is there a reason that anxiety kicks in stopping you from communicating? Has he reacted badly once or twice?
Or did you grow up in an environment where even questions were met with anger? Or another reason?
Whatever you decide to do about the whole situation, it might be wise to address those issues too, if you can get any support like a counselor.

@pharmgirl88 Just reading this thread. I am like this with bottling everything up, think it's because I know what reaction I'm going to get when I voice my concerns, feelings etc. Complete silent treatment.
Did you get any resolution to this at all as I note this was back in June