Where do I go from here?

[lostinlove21]

I'm struggling to decide where my future lies. Any words of wisdom. Please be kind, feeling fragile

Been with my partner almost 10 years. Engaged 3. Don't live together. Both have children from previous relationships.

The deal has always been that at some point he will move here (lives 80 miles away) and we can live happily ever after. Problem is. He never does anything about moving or looking for a job in this area.
On the plus side he's so kind, would do anything for me and the children, travels here every weekend, does loads of work around the house. Is there whenever I say I need him or for any difficult situation. It's almost like he just works away during the week.
When I'm on a high I think I'm so lucky, met my soul mate have a wonderful future planned. When I'm on a low I feel like there's no commitment and if I stay with him I'm stopping myself finding someone to be with all the time.
The kids are getting older and have their own social lives. I'm getting lonely.
Just extra info he would move here due to my job, location of children size of house. We don't need anything financially from each other both independent.
Any advice or expertise?

Have you sat him down and asked him
When ? Why the delay? Do you want us to be together permanently?
How are you feeling about moving in properly ?
What's his reaction ?

How old are his kids and what sort of contact does he have with them?

If they're grown up and gone off to uni it's very different moving 80 miles compared to if they're school age and he has them 50:50

Thanks for the replies.
Yes I've asked him and he says it will happen that he will do something about it and we'll grow old together. Always says soon but then never does. I just think he's so comfortable and used to how things are it's easy.

The children, when he split up with ex she moved 70 miles away so he only sees on weekends (brings them here) or goes over on a evening. Children secondary school age.

I do sometimes wonder what it would be actually like to live together permanently but on our numerous holidays snd time off together we never fall out.

Yes I've asked him and he says it will happen that he will do something about it and we'll grow old together. Always says soon but then never does.

This is where you need to nail his foot to the floor. You've been together 10 years; given the age of his children it would have been far better to move to you early on, before the kids got settled at school and made strong local friendships.

I think in fact I'd let the age of his kids be your guide here with regard to timescales. If they're under 14, I believe they'd be able to still transition to a school near you without too much disruption to exams. If they're closer to sitting exams then I'd let the youngest's last exam date be your deadline.

So now you start the conversation again, and he does his usual "Yes of course we will darling, soon. Put the kettle on eh?" you say "You've been telling me it will happen 'soon' for the last X years. I need a definite time now. I'm not happy with spending this little time with you. I have in mind a date of [whatever deadline you decide in your own mind.] If you aren't able to commit to me, I need to think seriously about my options."

That's what I'd do. (Well actually what I would do is to luxuriate in having a bed to myself 5 nights a week and then revel in the sexytime weekends, but that's me)

Thank you so much for your reply.
His children shouldn't make a great deal of difference to this as we all kind of live in an almost equal triangle. Children live with their mum so regardless of if he's here or at his place he has similar distance to travel. Children wouldn't have to move schools.

You've hit so many of my thoughts on the head. I've had time ultimatums before but then can't bare the thought of loosing him. I'd also like this ultimate decision to be his so I don't feel I've made him do it. But he's a bit too comfortable with how things are.

On the other hand like you say I get my own space , make my own decisions (have my own big bed). We get on better than a lot of my "happily married " living together friends.

I think I can't stand that I can't decide my future. It's in his hands. Or I could decide it but that would mean being without him. Ahhh life!!!