I’m feeling uneasy about my partner’s attitude towards his ex

[WrappedinHaze]

I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 months now. Everything is going great apart his strange attitude towards his ex. They broke almost 1.5 year ago after 9 years together (I was with my previous ex for 10+ but I’m no longer in touch) and she immediately began dating someone new. He is friends with all of his exes and got into his head that it’s some kind of rule that he must obey and was trying to be uber friendly with this ex as well despite her being cold and distant.

He was making a proper fool of himself while she admitted to me and others that she has nothing in common with him and doesn’t want him to be in her life anymore. Her attitude changed slightly when me and him got together. She was overtly interested in our relationship. He was still trying to be her friend. She was nice to his face but behind his back would tell me that being with him was a mistake since he never had anything to offer to her (!). Me and her are friends and I feel like I don’t think I can keep this friendship going because it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

While she was saying stuff like this to me my bf was trying to be her friend and include her in activities he planned with the group of friends they shared (I’m a newcomer to this group). I found this really weird, cause he felt like he MUST invite her since they are her friends too and they used to be a group together which I found strange since they all can hang around separately as a group either with her or him alone, no need for this forced interactions. That’s without even mentioning that she said she doesn’t like him anymore! Observing him trying to bend backwards for her I had enough and told him what she thinks about his friendship. I told him it’s a secret and he can’t tell anyone. He was angry. It was so hard for him to swallow that he insinuated that maybe I’m making it up! Finally he acknowledged the truth and stopped making effort towards her.

Noticing this, her behaviour changed. She even messaged me asking whether he’s fine cause he didn’t reply immediately to her messages (like he’s obliged too, wtf?) he was very confused by her sudden behaviour: her being nice and friendly (she even went as far as asking him to get her a souvenir from his work trip! Her ex! ). He asked me if I can figure out what’s going on with her since he is baffled by what she tells others and how she acts towards him, especially sudden onslaught of friendliness after he stopped trying. I find him asking me to sort of spy for him highly inappropriate. I’m extremely confused by both of their behaviour and frankly had enough. Me and him are really happy together but this unsolved situation with an ex is getting to me.

Few pointers: he told me he loves me and wants to get married. (We’ve been friends for years, so it’s not out of the blue) generally we are really happy with each other and have a great time as a couple.

He says he wants to be her friend. He has this idea of being friends with exes and is stubborn.

Important bit: he on two occasions betrayed my trust when it comes to keeping that secret I told him regarding her when talking about their post breakup reality with their common friends. Both times he was wasted and both times he apologised and felt ashamed about it.

I’m not sure what think about their behaviour. What do you ladies think? Sorry if this is a bit incoherent; I was writing my thoughts as they arrived. I’m not necessarily looking for advice but a different perspective. How would you handle this situation? Would you be cool having such an ex like my friend in the sidelines? Can you shed a light on their (both) behaviour?

For her it sounds like she maybe wants to keep her friendship with you but would like to close that chapter in her life with him. I don't think she is mean, I think she is just unsure how to be around him but probably knows that although she cant be assed with him, she maybe has to still treat him as a friend because of you. And that must be frustrating.

Not to mention they have a lot of history together so it must be a bit of a jumble of feelings. 3even though she doesnt want him back it must be odd to see him with a friend.

Him however I don't understand. Staying in friendly terms is fine but it sounds like he wants to live in her back pocket. I'm not sure he was really ready to start dating someone new when he met you. Because he doesnt seem to know what is and is not appropriate. He needs to take a step back from the friendship with her, for your sake.

I'm torn between thinking it was awful of you to tell him what she said...and thinking it might have been the right move. But it wont make a jot if difference if he is too pig headed to let her be. And thus, not allowing her to move on. I think he needs to decide to let her just be your friend in future. And to step back and give you two space.

If he cant do that, especially now knowing what she said, I suspect he still has a thing for her.

She told me that she doesn’t want to be his friend but later asked me why is he not replying to her messages when he stopped trying. It was after she send him some music to check out. She even told me she was ready to get on his ass for not replying to her. Now she’s asking him to bring her gifts.

She started dating two weeks after she broke up with him so I’m wondering whether there’s a load of unprocessed feelings and emotions that just starting to resurface. She’s quite impulsive as well.

I honestly thought I’m doing them both a favour: he left her alone after I told him what she kept saying about him. The thing is, she was acting his friend before me and him got together whilst telling their common friends (me included) that she doesn’t want to be his friend. Saying this to everyone but him so he kept making efforts.

Me and him got dumped on the same day and before getting together we were each other’s support. We only got together when we were sure we were ready. Me and her are the kind of friends that you meet up with occasionally at the party and once a year for a coffee so we’re not that close so I’d be surprised if she did it to keep our friendship going.

They both are confusing and I’m thinking of just having an honest convo of what the hell is going on.

But I agree that he needs to let the idea of staying friends go.

I think with him it may comes from how she completely misrepresentedtheir relationship. She kept saying to people around that she should end it earlier, that she wasn’t happy with him. Whilst he remembers the good and the bad she told me she only got with him cause she was physically attractive and somewhat aloof and that she found intriguing and that he didn’t have any other qualities. Which is bullshit. They were together for 10 years and there was nothing major that happened between them except drifting apart and needing different things from life. My ex also went that road (complete with getting some new two weeks after the breakup) and I feel hurt how he completely misrepresents us. I don’t know.

My last connection ended because A he was a chest and liar. But B his Ex.... Aghhh his ex. I got sick of her name. It is weird in most cases unless children are involved to continue to be in regular contact with n ex whilst trying to start a new relationship. It's the most off putting situation.

I don't know how old you are. But I'm in my 30s and he was in his 40s.

From my experience when an ex is still on the scene emotionally it doesn't end well!

The emotions are still too high - you need to let him get over her and sort it all out

"He says he wants to be her friend. He has this idea of being friends with exes and is stubborn insisting on continuing to hold on to the idea even though it isn't working and is causing me stress and anxiety, making me question his loyalty, his priorities and making us all act like teenagers"

Fixed that for you!

I would tell him it's over and that you're not bothered about staying friends, but cheers for the offer!

He thinks she’s the one that got away

Sounds like you're stuck in the middle of some bizarre game playing between the two of them

Get rid.

This is like some episode from Friends - the fact that you know her, the fact he's trying to be friends with her. It seems messy.

9 years is a long time to be with someone. That's basically a marriage. I don't think he's putting you first by wanting to be friends with her - he's putting his own needs first and the way that might affect you is not even on his radar. Quite bizarre....which brings me to my next issue - you can him your partner and you've only been going out with each other for 8 months. To me, 'partner' is pretty serious - people who've been with each other for years and living with each other as if they were married. Does he call you his partner as well? I'm wondering if there's a mismatch between how you view this relationships and how he does. It just seems an odd situation to put your partner in, a woman he's supposed to be committed to and serious about. More like someone he's just dating.

you call him your partner*

I think you can do better.
Too much drama
Frequently wasted
Insists on being 'friends" with exs regardless of what they want.

I think he’s just going through the motions with you. You’re perfectly nice/attractive/fun and whatever else, but that’s irrelevant as you’re the rebound as his heart is with her. He’s subconsciously with you to make her jealous and see if that will trigger her to give him another chance or rethink things with her new bf.

I wouldn’t stay in this situation if you want to long-term stay friends with her, or if you want anything serious with him

@EarthSight

This is like some episode from Friends - the fact that you know her, the fact he's trying to be friends with her. It seems messy.

9 years is a long time to be with someone. That's basically a marriage. I don't think he's putting you first by wanting to be friends with her - he's putting his own needs first and the way that might affect you is not even on his radar. Quite bizarre....which brings me to my next issue - you can him your partner and you've only been going out with each other for 8 months. To me, 'partner' is pretty serious - people who've been with each other for years and living with each other as if they were married. Does he call you his partner as well? I'm wondering if there's a mismatch between how you view this relationships and how he does. It just seems an odd situation to put your partner in, a woman he's supposed to be committed to and serious about. More like someone he's just dating.

Of course he calls me his partner. He wants to marry me in a few years. We are official on social media and I met his parents and his friends. I said as much in my post. So this is def not the case.

As I said I was with my ex for 10+ years and wished so bad we stayed friends cause it’s hard to forget someone and I’m also of the school that It’s seems so wasteful if there’s no hatred to just forget all those years together.

I do agree that it’s messy. I’m friends with my exes as well but years passed between us to be in this space.

Also it sounds like the ex would moan when ahead his attention but only started communicating when he stopped making the first move.
(I may have misread your posts though)

@23andbroke

I think he’s just going through the motions with you. You’re perfectly nice/attractive/fun and whatever else, but that’s irrelevant as you’re the rebound as his heart is with her. He’s subconsciously with you to make her jealous and see if that will trigger her to give him another chance or rethink things with her new bf.

I wouldn’t stay in this situation if you want to long-term stay friends with her, or if you want anything serious with him

I don’t know, maybe. He’s not the kind of person to throw stuff like I love you and I want to be with you forever lightly but this where he is with me. And that’s why it’s so baffling.

When I told him that she doesn’t want to be his friend he stopped any communication with her. That was a few months ago. She started messaging him herself and demanding replies. He was still being civil with her but also he is confused to what does she wants: being his friend or not.

I know that I wish me and my ex stayed friends but we’re not on speaking terms so in a sense I get it but also this is all weird to me

@RainbowMum11

Also it sounds like the ex would moan when ahead his attention but only started communicating when he stopped making the first move. (I may have misread your posts though)

Yes, that’s what happened.

I’ve always found my mum’s advice (counsellor) very true in these situations. Consider that any couple’s journey starts as strangers, passes through ‘friends’ (even if that phase can be short!) before ending up as intimate partners. If, after they break up, they want to aim for friendship, it only usually works out if they pass through the ‘strangers’ part of the cycle again first.

Unless you’ve spent time apart, creating new seperate lives, you do end up mainly having your relationship as a topic of conversation (and basis for connection). You just follow the habits and behaviours of your ‘intimate’ phase, no matter what you call it. Reconnecting many months after a breakup gives you the chance to have formed other hobbies, opinions, habits. That is a better basis for friendship, taken slowly.

I think your BF and your DF haven’t given themselves this break. They are still locked into a strange dance of intimacy. I don’t think it’s all that dangerous for your relationship, but this push-and-pull dynamic isn’t healthy or certainly helpful to it either.

You could try explaining the ‘strangers’ theory to one or both of them? They may bite. Not sure there’s much else you can do.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"He says he wants to be her friend. He has this idea of being friends with exes and is stubborn insisting on continuing to hold on to the idea even though it isn't working and is causing me stress and anxiety, making me question his loyalty, his priorities and making us all act like teenagers"

Fixed that for you!

I would tell him it's over and that you're not bothered about staying friends, but cheers for the offer!

That fix is so spot on.

@MadameMonk

I’ve always found my mum’s advice (counsellor) very true in these situations. Consider that any couple’s journey starts as strangers, passes through ‘friends’ (even if that phase can be short!) before ending up as intimate partners. If, after they break up, they want to aim for friendship, it only usually works out if they pass through the ‘strangers’ part of the cycle again first.

Unless you’ve spent time apart, creating new seperate lives, you do end up mainly having your relationship as a topic of conversation (and basis for connection). You just follow the habits and behaviours of your ‘intimate’ phase, no matter what you call it. Reconnecting many months after a breakup gives you the chance to have formed other hobbies, opinions, habits. That is a better basis for friendship, taken slowly.

I think your BF and your DF haven’t given themselves this break. They are still locked into a strange dance of intimacy. I don’t think it’s all that dangerous for your relationship, but this push-and-pull dynamic isn’t healthy or certainly helpful to it either.

You could try explaining the ‘strangers’ theory to one or both of them? They may bite. Not sure there’s much else you can do.

Yes, this sounds very plausible. I am best friends with an ex who 13 years ago broke my heart and I helped him through a mental break down this year. But there’s an ocean of time between us and now we can really be there for each other.

Sack that nonsense.. Dump him 🌸