Hi. I thought I'd make a thread as I think it's nice when you can talk to people who understand and have been through it also. Sharing my experience I've often found people have a lack of understanding and have a very black and white view on it. People either presume you are vunerable yourself and need councilling. Or think it's as simple as walk away.
In my experience the abuse was very gradual. Very subtle and unobvious. I have come from a very solid family unit and have not grown up around abusive behaviour.
When I met "p" he was kind. Funny. Confident. Caring. Had a very believable history. 3 long term relationships. First was a marriage and kids. Good terms with the third ex who he split with mutually and they remained friends.
At first I was perfect. Beautiful. Everything he wanted. He'd got to the grand age of 47 before meeting someone and getting the feelings he had for me. I was 32 and hoped with him being older we would balance out well.
It didn't take long before things changed.
It became clear he wasn't over the ex. It felt he was Obsessed with her and mentioned her far to much over anything and everything. Up and down about how he felt towards her. Yet always in touch.
He started to try and tweak me but he did it so gradually. Comments on his preferred hair style. Wished I tanned. Suggested brands of clothing his ex wore.
Then the digs at my personality began. He would tell me I was so confusing. I made no sense. He had never met anyone as confusing as me. I made him laugh because I made no sense!
I was a stay at home mum so he started telling me SAHM turn into children and have nothing to talk about. Then he was suggesting I should get a job just so I could interact with adults. Which i already did. I had friends. Family etc.
He then started triangulation. Different women. Stories. Nothing adding up. All the while if I asked questions he'd call me insecure. Told me I had too much time on my hands. Any opportunities to remind me he worked and I didn't.
Started lying. Saying he couldn't block people on Facebook. So he couldn't get rid of stalking women for good. Then they were blocked. Then suddenly they were back.
He began punishing me when I smelt a rat. Silent treatment. Then telling me what I had to stop doing. I was never allowed to put my point across.
He disappeared for 2 months. I discovered he was messaging his stalkers. Had split from his ex due to cheating on her. heard from another lady how he wrecked her life faking a future with her. Only to still be living with his ex.
Just as things were settling. He returned. He claimed his feelings never changed. But he refused to show affection. Never said he loved me. He was spending more time taking the Mick out of my personality (I was so confusing) than anything else. I caught another woman allover his Facebook. Plus he was online all the time but was taking forever to communicate with me. Disappearing with no word. Yet each day he'd message. We arranged to meet then I thought what am I doing? I don't even like him. I decided to message the new woman on his Facebook. She confirmed whilst we were split he'd met her on tinder and they'd met a few times for sex! He then told her he didn't feel ready (bless him) for a relationship.
I ended things 3 weeks ago. Told him I was sick of his lies. Games. Put downs. Name calling and him rubbing his ex in my face. Told him I wanted a man who was over his past and able to communicate and be honest. Then I blocked him everywhere.
I have ups and downs but life is better now.
Would love to hear some other stories and see what patterns we can see. Plus it's just nice to feel understood.
Thanks for reading.
L x